He’s got so much free time for tweet storms.
"Five beers please."
But it was the Romans who thought of adding women.
Earlier, I was driving behind an ambulance when a cooler fell off the back. I stopped and opened it up to find a foot inside..
So I decided to call a toe-truck.
One’s a Coronavirus and the other is a Verona crisis
At least that’s what her diary said
I was going to eat that later but it will only taste like a carrot now
Is it a noble gas?
Then no wonder people are so scared of clowns.
…but they're both "lefts". Which on the one hand is great, but on the other, it's just not right.
Eventually she asks "What part of the body can grow ten times its normal size when stimulated?" As soon as she asks that, a girl at the back of the class stands up and yells "EWW, THAT'S SO GROSS. HOW DARE YOU ASK THIS TO SMALL CHILDREN? I'M GOING TO TELL MY MOTHER ALL ABOUT THIS", then storms out of the classroom. After the class, the teacher calls the girl back in and says "Young lady, I just have three things to say to you. First, the answer to my question was the pupil; second, you have a very dirty mind for a child your age; and third, one day you're going to very, very disappointed"
…if it were served warm, it would be justwater…
A hurricane is headed for a small town. The news says that everyone needs to evacuate. A religious man in the town says “I’m not going to leave my home, God will protect me”.
The hurricane hits, and it's bad. There's mass flooding, and the police come to the man's door and tell him he needs to leave. The man says "I'm not afraid, God will protect me." The police give up and leave him. The water rises in his house, so the man is forced to climb onto his roof. Just then a National Guard boat comes by and tells him to get in. The man says "I'm not afraid, my God will protect me" and refuses to get in the boat. Eventually the National Guard is forced to give up and move on to help others. Then the man drowns. When he gets to the pearly gates he meets God and says "God, why didn't you protect me?" God sighs and says "I sent you the news, the police, and a boat. What fucking more do you want?!"
You can only tolerate your own
But it just kept ringing.
but she uses a smoke alarm as a timer.
To do To do To do, to do, to do, to do, to do, to dooooo
…never to return, tears well in my eyes as I wave goodbye to each and every lollipop, the only friends I have ever known. "So long, suckers," I whisper through trembling lips.
The *For Biden* files.
I always knew he liked them young, but that is fucking ridiculous.
Then I realized, he was one of those plane clothes cops…
I’ll show him!
The plot thickens.
Two immigrants from Africa arrive in the United States and are discussing the difference between their country and the U.S.
One of them mentions he's heard that people in the U.S. eat dogs, and if they're going to fit in, they better eat dogs as well. So they head to the nearest hot dog stand and order two 'dogs.' The first guy unwraps his, looks at it, and nervously looks at his friend. "Which part did you get?" Edit: Thank you for the gold, kind stranger!
"Don't cry because it is over. Smile because it happened." -Adolf Hitler, 1945
I can also tell when they're standing.
…He burped 7 up
Name under sign: N. Vitamin
I can’t remember the last time I ate a monkey.
But when I got home, all the signs were there.
I could do it with my eyes closed