He’s just a covfefe parrot
I just asked my 14 yr old after he was talking the whole time while I was showing how to do something. ‘Do you know why god gave us two eyes and only one mouth?’
‘Because we don’t need depth perception with our mouths ‘ was his technically correct answer
Five gangsters walk past a local diner
The owner runs out the door and up to them saying, "Excuse me, I've got a problem and you're the only ones who can solve it!" The gangsters look at each other confused and ask, "What, why us man?" "I'll explain later, just come with me!" The owner replies. The curious gangsters follow the owner into the diner, and then they enter the kitchen. In the back, a man is furiously scrubbing metal pots and pans so hard that he's damaging them. The owner points at the man and says, "My new dishwasher guy is scrubbing the dishes too hard! He's scratching them up and refusing to stop! At this rate, I'm going to have to replace all my dishes!" One of the gangsters rolls his eyes and says to another gangster, "Yo G, I got this." The gangster taps the dishwasher on the shoulder and says, "Dude, ease up on those dishes." But the man keeps scrubbing. Another one of the gangsters says, "That won't do it, G," and he tries to spin the dishwasher around to face them, but the dishwasher man won't budge. "C'mon idiot, ease up on those dishes!" But the man is still scrubbing. The third and fourth gangsters try shouting in the man's ears, "EASE UP ON THOSE DAMN DISHES!" But the man scrubs away. Finally, the fifth gangster has had enough and start pulling on the dishwasher to get him away from the sink and the dishes. Another G joins in, followed by the rest, pulling as hard as they can. But it's no use, and they all fall to the floor exhausted while the dishwasher keeps scrubbing, no sign of easing up on the poor dishes. The owner is shocked and shakes his head in disbelief, "I can't believe it, I was sure this would work." The fifth gangster looks at him exasperated and says, "Dude, why the hell did you think this would work? What can five gangsters do against a dishwasher who's basically superman?" The owner replies, "I know it sounded crazy and I had no evidence to prove it, but I really thought that 5Gs could cause dish ease."
A Roman walks in a bar, holds up 2 fingers and says:
"I'll have 5 beer please."
Why was the virgin left hanging?
No text found
Why can’t you use a wooden spoon in a Teflon pan?
Because its non stick. Source: my actual Dad.
I was suspicious or my girlffriend cheating on me with this guy from her gym. So i pick up her phone at night when she’s sleeping ..
…and drive to this dude's place on the other side of the town and go to stand on his porch to see if the wifi connects
Just found out that cockfighting is done with roosters.
That's 27 years of rigorous training, straight down the fucking drain.
Joke
My parents grew to like my girlfriend so much, they take her as their own daughter. Now they started looking for a proper boyfriend for her.
kids dumb, technology bad ~ trans: there aren’t any icons to click! it’s a blackboard!
https://ift.tt/3eY0TEP
What happens when you give the sun a gun?
It becomes a shooting star.
I’m okay with smoking, alcohol, and marijuana.
But cocaine is where I draw the line.
Apparently you can’t use beefstew as a password…
It's not stroganoff.
How do you treat a wounded lemon?
With a sour patch. I'll see myself out now.
My wife didn’t think I’d give our daughter a silly name…
But I called her Bluff…
I’m starting a group for people who cannot climax.
Let me know if you cant come.
How do you cut the ocean in half?
A sea-saw…
Student loans you got me through college
I don’t think I can ever repay you
-I called a suicide hotline in Iraq.
They got excited and asked if I could drive a truck.
What do you get when you plant a Donut?
A pastree.
After watching me read “War and Peace”, my son asked me, “Dad, why is the book so thick?”
Me: Well, it’s ……a long story.
My Cocaine Is So White
Police Let It Go With A Warning
What does Alexander the Great have in common with Winnie the Pooh?
Same middle name.
The abundance mating signals girls give off if they like you.
https://youtu.be/yFY_uOb7bRk
Did you hear about the mathematician who’s afraid of negative numbers?
He'll stop at nothing to avoid them
“Boss, I’ve got a probl..”
Boss: There’s no such thing as a problem. There are only opportunities. Man: Oh ok. Then I have a serious drug opportunity.
Today a clown held a door open for me.
Such a nice jester.
What is the best part about living in Switzerland?
I'm not sure, but the flag is a big plus.
A 7 year-old and a 4 years-old are in their bedroom. “You know what, I think it’s time we started swearing. When we go downstairs for breakfast, I’ll swear first, then you” says the 7 year old. “OK” says the 4 year-old. Mum asks the 7 year-old what he wants for breakfast. “I’ll have Frosties, bitch”
WHACK, he flew out the chair crying his eyes out. Mum looks at the 4 year-old and said sternly! “And what do you want?” He says “Don’t know, but it won’t be fucking Frosties”
Figured out I was adopted the other day. Decided to confront my dad about it.
I told him "Dad, I found the paperwork. I know" Dad said "What paperwork? What did you find?" "I'm adopted" He replied "Hi adopted! I'm- oh, wait. Nevermind."
A human asks a mermaid why she wears seashells
Mermaid: I grew out of my B-shells
