He’s not wrong!
A little girl is having a pretend dinner party with her teddy bear. She says, “Do you want anything to eat, Mr. Bear?”
The bear replies, “No thanks, I’m stuffed.”
Which Disney Park ride has the most area for people to wait?
Space Mountain.
My friend Ty came first in the Beijing marathon, but he wasn’t given the gold medal.
The Chinese authorities refuse to recognize Ty Won.
My girlfriend just emailed me
"thespacebuttonisbrokenonmylaptop.canyougivemeanalternative" Does anyone know what "ternative" mean?
I told my teenage niece to go get me a phone book…
She laughed at me, and said "Oh uncle you're so old. Just use my phone." So I slammed her phone against the wall to kill a spider.
A bear walks in to a bar
"I'd like a whisky and……………coke" Bartender "why the big pause?" Bear "i don't know, i was born with'em"
How do you console Thanos when he’s upset?
Bruh, Just Snap out if it
Action Jackson can’t cry! That’s what’s goin’ down! ~Kirk Lazarus
Action Jackson can’t cry! That’s what’s goin’ down! ~Kirk Lazarus
To spell “panda” all you need is..
.. p and a.
A new strain of lice is going around that is resistant to conventional treatments.
That has left scientists scratching their heads.
The doctor told me I only have 2 months to live due to cancer…
So I killed the doctor and the judge gave me 20 years.
How many Brexiteers does it take to change a light bulb?
Only two: One to promise a bright future and another one to screw it up.
Why should you leave the restroom if someone walks in playing Pokemon Go?
Because they might be trying to catch a pikachu.
I bought my friends an elephant for their room
They said: 'Thank you.' I said: 'Don't mention it.'
1,2,3,4 and 5 are sitting in class, why did 3 get kicked out?
He was being mean
Super Bowl Halftime
At halftime it's Maroon 5 Patriots 3 Rams 0
I feel like a car with twenty wheels today.
Very tired
We all know the zip code to Beverly Hills is 90210 but what’s the zip code to Dawson’s Creek?
Spoiler 90108 for our lives to be over…
How do you get a mouse to smile
You say Cheese!
My son said I’m not funny
"That's right," I answered. "I'm Dad."
Why shouldn’t you kiss someone on January 1st?
It’s only the first date.
I’ve been searching for my ex wife’s killer for the past two years.
No one is willing to do it.
“Son you’re just not cut out to be a mime.”
"Is it something I said?" "Yes."
The Secret Service are no longer allowed to say “Get down Mr. President!”
Now they have to yell "Donald, Duck!"
We went to a wedding and my drunk wife asked me what I thought of her dancing.
I said, “You are just staggering.”
A horse walks into a bar
The bartender says "Hey!" Then the horse replies "Sounds good!"
People say I have a dad-bod
I prefer to think of it as a father figure.
conjuctivitis.com
now that's a site for sore eyes
I told my girlfriend she drew her eyebrows too high.
She seemed surprised…
My girlfriend told me to stop singing “I’m a Believer”.
At first, I thought she was joking. But then I saw her face…
My five year old: Dad, do trees poop?
Me: Of course. That’s how we get Number 2 pencils.
What do you call an evil Muslim?
Muhahahahahahammed
Autocorrect can go straight to he’ll.
No text found
How many dead people does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
Apparently not 17, cuz my basement is still dark
My friend David had his ID stolen.
Now he's just Dave.