He’s playing 4-D chess
How did Pinocchio find out he was a wooden boy?
His hand caught fire
I asked my wife to describe me in 5 words. She said I’m mature, I’m moral, I’m pure, I’m polite and I’m perfect! Then she added that I also…
…had a fundamental lack of understanding about apostrophes and spaces…
I’ve decided that from January 1st, I’m only going to watch things that are 1080p and above.
It's my new year's resolution.
My boss hates it when I shorten his name to Dick
Mostly because his name is Steve
I just bought a dry-erase board
It’s remarkable!
A physicist, a chemist, and a statistician walk into an office to discover the trash can is on fire.
The physicist announces "We must put the garbage can in the fridge so that the temperature will be below the ignition temperature and therefore put itself out!" The chemist replies "No, we must cover the garbage can so that the fire consumes all of the oxygen and, in the absence of reactants, can no longer continue!" Meanwhile, the two turn around to find that the statistician is running around the room setting everything else on fire. "What the hell are you doing??" "Getting a proper sample size!"
What do you call a constipated detective?
No shit Sherlock
What do you call a nervous Darth Vader?
Panakin Skywalker
I couldn’t find my car scraper this morning so had to use a store discount card to scrape the ice…
Didn’t really work though, I only got 20% off
We’ll we’ll we’ll…
if it isn't autocorrect?
Have you ever tried wanking with a dead arm???
I just got kicked out of another funeral home…..
My wife said I had no sense of direction…
So I packed my bag and right
It’s a great time to be an ER doctor.
Business is really surgeon.
A guy broke into my house last night and was looking for money.
So I got up and looked with him.
How do you measure how heavy a chili pepper is?
Give it a weigh, give it a weigh, give it a weigh now.
Harry Potter has way too many characters…
Even J.K. Rolling has a hard time keeping all the characters straight.
Yes
https://ift.tt/2Hh05xn
My boss is threatening to fire the employee with the worst posture.
I have a hunch it might be me.
Irish Prostitute
Irish daughter had not been home for over 5 years. Upon her return her Father cursed her heavily. 'Where have ye been all this time, child? Why did ye not write to us, not even a line? Why didn't ye call? Can ye not understand what ye put yer old Mother through?' The girl, crying, replied, Dad… I became a prostitute.' 'Ye what!? Get out a here, ye shameless harlot! Sinner! You're a disgrace to this Catholic family.' 'OK, Dad… as ye wish. I only came back to give mum this luxurious fur coat, title deed to a ten bedroom mansion, plus a 5 million savings certificate. For me little brother, this gold Rolex. And for ye Daddy, the sparkling new Mercedes limited edition convertible that's parked outside plus a membership to the country club … (takes a breath) … and an invitation for ye all to spend New Year's Eve on board my new yacht in the Riviera.' 'What was it ye said ye had become?' says Dad. Girl, crying again, 'A prostitute, Daddy!.' 'Oh! My Goodness! Ye scared me half to death, girl! I thought ye said a Protestant! Come here and give yer old Dad a hug !!!
A cop pulled me over and told me “Papers”
So I said "Scissors, I win!" and drove off.
Old but gold
A new Army Captain was assigned to a recon company in a remote post in the desert. During his first inspection, he noticed a camel hitched up behind the mess tent. He asked the First Sergeant why the camel is kept there. "Well, sir," was the nervous reply, "as you know, there are 250 men here and no women. And sir, sometimes the men have …m-m-m…. urges. That's why we have the camel, sir." The Captain said, "I can't say that I condone this, but I understand about urges, so the camel can stay." About a month later, the Captain started having a real problem with his own urges. Crazy with passion, he asked the First Sergeant to bring the camel to his tent. Putting a stool behind the camel, the Captain stood on it, pulled down his pants, and had wild, insane sex with the camel. When he was done, he asked the First Sergeant, "Is that how the men do it?" "Uh, no sir," the First Sergeant replied. "They usually just ride the camel into town where the girls are."
My wife asked me if I thought our kids are spoiled
I told her, "no, I think all kids smell like that."
How does Reese eat her ice cream?
Witherspoon
Why did the vegetarian fail his exam?
There were too many missed stakes
If you have a bee in your hand, what’s in your eye?
Beauty. It's in the eye of the bee-holder.
A couple lived near the ocean and used to walk the beach a lot. One summer they noticed a girl who was at the beach pretty much every day.
She wasn’t unusual, nor was the travel bag she carried, except for one thing. She would approach people who were sitting on the beach, glance around, then speak to them. Generally, the people would respond negatively and she would wander off, but occasionally someone would nod and there would be a quick exchange of money for something she carried in her bag. The couple assumed she was selling drugs and debated calling the cops, but since they didn’t know for sure they just continued to watch her. After a couple of weeks the wife asked, “Honey, have you ever noticed that she only goes up to people with boom boxes and other electronic devices?” He hadn’t and said so. Then she said, “Tomorrow I want you to get a towel and our big radio and go lie out on the beach. Then we can find out what she’s really doing.” Well, the plan went off without a hitch, and the wife was almost hopping up and down with anticipation when she saw the girl talk to her husband and then leave. The man walked up the beach and met his wife at the road. “Well, is she selling drugs?” she asked excitedly.” “No, she’s not.” he said, enjoying this probably more than he should have. “Well, what is it, then?” his wife fairly shrieked. The man grinned and said. “Her name is Sally and she’s selling batteries.” “Batteries?” cried the wife. “Yes,” he replied. “She sells C cells by the Seashore.”
