He’s workin’ hard for your vote!
A ship carrying blue paint collided with a ship carrying red paint.
Both crews have been marooned.
America’s almost finished switching to the metric system.
But they've got miles to go.
Did you know you should always take an extra pair of pants golfing?
Just in case you get a hole in one.
All of my friends have such expansive bucket lists, but mine…
…is just a little pail in comparison.
What’s the difference between Jesus and a painting of Jesus?
It only takes one nail to hang up the painting.
My mother used to say the way to a man’s heart is through his stomach…
Lovely woman, useless surgeon…
An astronaut was trying to make coffee on the space station…
Astronaut 1: "I want to make coffee but I can't find any milk." Astronaut 2: "In space, no one can. Here, use cream."
If I had to rate our solar system
I'd give it 1 star
Wife: “I’m pregnant.”
Me: “Hi Pregnant, I’m Dad.” Wife: “No you’re not.”
Why’s it always hot after a football game?
All the fans left
How to tell the sex of an ant?
Drop it in water… If it sinks: girl ant If it floats…..
Where do sasquatches live?
Sasquatchewan!
What would happen if Americans switched from pounds to kilograms overnight?
There would be mass confusion.
Why was the borrowed money happy to be returned?
Because it wasn’t a loan anymore.
someone insulted me on my monitor’s refresh rate,
right where it hertz.
You can tell an ant’s gender by putting it in water.
If it sinks, girl ant. If it floats, buoyant
I don’t always tell dad jokes
But when I do, he laughs
A man dies, and wakes up on a beach…
There are girls playing beach volleyball, barbeques everywhere, laughter and joy. All of a sudden, Satan comes up to him. "Welcome to hell. Enjoy yourself, have a drink, have a hamburger and check out the area. If you need anything or have a question, feel free to ask me." he says. The guy walks along the beach, has a few drinks with a nice girl. He walks over a hill, when he sees a hole in the ground, full with tormented people, flames rising up from the hole. The guy runs towards the beach until he finds Satan. "Hey, I found this hole and all these people are being tormented… What's that about?" "Oh," Satan says, "that´s for the Christians, they want it that way."
I finally quit the university geology department.
…just because I was the first person to discover a new crack I the earth's crust, everybody was acting like it's my fault.
ok so a stoner, a jedi, and a surgeon walk into a bar…
Blunt force trauma
So my twin brother called me from prison
He said, "So you know how we finish each others' sentences?"
What do the testicles of a priest look like?
Silly question, every child knows that.
Kung Fu student asks his teacher: “Master, why does my ability not improve? I’m always defeated.”
And the master, pensive and forever patient, answers: "My dear pupil, have you seen the gulls flying by the setting sun, and their wings seeming like flames?" "Yes, my master, I have." "And a waterfall, spilling mightly over the stones without taking anything out of its proper place?" "Yes, my master, I have witnessed it." "And the moon… when it touches the calm water to reflect all its enormous beauty?" "Yes, my master, I have also seen this marvelous phenomenon." "That is the problem. You keep watching all this shit instead of training."
A man is alone in an airport lounge.
A beautiful young woman walks in and sits down at the table next to him. He decides that because she's wearing a uniform, she's probably an off-duty Flight Attendant. So he decides to have a go at picking her up by identifying the airline she flies for, thereby impressing her greatly. He leans across to her and says the British Airways motto, “To fly, to serve”? The young woman looks at him blankly. He sits back and thinks up another line. He leans forward again and delivers the Air France motto. “Winning the hearts of the world”? Again she just stares at him with a slightly puzzled look on her face. Undeterred he tries again this time saying the Malaysian Airlines motto. “Going beyond expectations”? The woman looks at him sternly and says, “What the fuck do you want”? “Aha”, he says,… "United Airlines".
I asked my wife to dress up as a nurse tonight…
to fulfill my fantasy that we have health care
What are a spy’s favorite shoes?
Sneakers
Did you hear about the kidnapping at school yesterday?
He is fine. He woke up
My favorite sex position is called “WOW”…
It’s when I flip your MOM over.
Shooting tips
A young cowboy, sitting in a saloon one Saturday night, recognized an elderly man standing at the bar who, in his day, had been the fastest gun in the West. The cowboy walked over to the old-timer, bought him a drink and told him of his great ambition to be a great gunfighter. "Could you give me some tips?" he asked. The old man said, "Well, for one thing, you're wearing your gun too high — tie the holster a little lower down on your leg." "Will that make me a better gunfighter?" "Sure will." The young man did as he was told, then stood up, whipped out his .44, and shot the bow tie off the piano player. "That's terrific!" exclaimed the cowboy. "Got any more tips?" "Yep," said the old man. "Cut a notch out of your holster where the hammer hits it — that'll give you a smoother draw." "Will that make me a better gunfighter?" asked the young man. "You bet it will," said the old-timer. The young man took out his knife, cut the notch, stood up, drew his gun in a blur, and then shot a cuff link off the piano player. "Wow!" said the cowboy excitedly, "I'm learnin' somethin' here. Got any more tips?" The old man pointed to a large can in a corner of the saloon. "See that can of axle grease over there? Coat your gun with it." The young man smeared some of the grease on the barrel of his gun. "No," said the old-timer, "I mean smear it all over the gun, the handle, and all." "Will that make me a better gunfighter?" asked the puzzled young man. "No," said the old-timer, "but when Wyatt Earp gets done playing the piano, he's gonna shove that gun up your ass, and it won't hurt near as much."
Pirate :”I have moles on me back, arrrrrgh!”
The doctor takes a quick look and responds:"It's okay, they're benign." Pirate:"Arrrrgh! Count again, I think there be ten!"
A slice of apple pie in Jamaica is $2.00. In the Bahamas, it is $2.50.
These are the pie rates of the Caribbean.
Grandma’s been staring through the window ever since it started to snow.
If it gets any worse I'll have to let her in.
If that fucker Trump gets re-elected, I’m going to Mexico
but not by choice though
True house cleaners aren’t just born…
They're maid…
“This is your captain speaking”
"AND THIS IS YOUR CAPTAIN SHOUTING."
One day left.
My father was ill and the doctor said he had only one day left to live. I was truly sad and was walking outside when I saw a wishing well. Taking my chances I threw in a quarter and wished his life would be extended. A r/jokes mod genie appeared out of the well and said " I hear your wish my son, and for everyday there is a new, fresh joke posted on r/jokes, your father will be granted another full week of life." His funeral is this Saturday.
What did the grape say when he got stepped on?
Nothing, he just let out a little wine
I broke 2 fingers on my right hand today
On the other hand everything is OK. Happy Fathers Day everybody
My ex girlfriend was obsessed with trying to find the largest known prime number.
I wonder what she is up to now.