Hey, bro, can you hack a Facebook account
A farmer
buys a young cock. As soon as he gets it home, it fucks all the farmers 150 hens. The farmer is impressed. At lunch, the cock again screws all 150 hens. Next day, it’s fucking the geese and the ducks too. Sadly, later in the day he finds the cock lying on the ground half dead and vultures circling overhead. The farmer says, " You deserved it, you horny bastard!" The cock opens one eye, points up and says, "Shhhhhh! They are about to land!"
Today i saw a dwarf prisoner climbing down the wall
i thought to myself, that's a little condescending.
I went to the doctors wanting a brain transplant
They changed my mind
How many dead people does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
Apparently not 17, cuz my basement is still dark
Little 8-year-old Nancy was in the garden filling in a hole when her neighbour peered over the fence. Interested in what the youngster was doing, he asked: “What are you doing there, Nancy?”
“My goldfish died,” Nancy sobbed. “And I’ve just buried him.” The obnoxious neighbour laughed and said condescendingly: “That’s a really big hole for a little goldfish, don’t you think?” Nancy patted down the last heap of earth with her shovel and replied: “That’s because he’s inside your cat.”
I’m developing a new fragrance for introverts:
Leave me the Fu Cologne.
Why was the stegosaurus such a good volleyball player?
He was really good at spiking the ball!
What do you get when you cross Captain America with the Incredible Hulk?
The Star-Spangled Banner.
You’ve been elected president of the phobia society.
I was afraid of that.
What do you call an airplane that flies backwards?
A receding airline.
Is it true ? I think it’s the temp of the surface of the sun ? What do you think?
https://ift.tt/2LuHVby
Why is Cinderella bad at football?
Because she’s always running away from the ball.
Yesterday I went to a temporary tattoo parlour to get a tattoo.
After it wouldn't wash off this morning I went back to complain, but the tattoo parlour wasn't there.
What do you call a deaf gynecologist?
A lip reader.
I’ve got 99 problems.
My math teacher is a bastard.
A big storm pulled my entire back fence out of the ground, I need some help fixing it.
Anybody on this site have experience in reposting?
What do you call a sad strawberry?
A blueberry
I have an irrational fear of overly engineered buildings.
I have a complex complex complex.
My grandpa got a prescription for Viagra.
Grandma's taking it pretty hard.
My uncle was crushed by a piano….
His funeral was very low key
I used to be addicted to soap
But I'm clean now.
What’s an opinion without 3.14?
An onion
The janitor in my apartment complex asked me if I wanted to smoke some weed with her.
I said no. I can't deal with a high maintenance woman.
One of my hair accessories is angry and it’s amusing to watch, but I don’t know what to do now.
I don't want to comb placate things.
Why don’t blind people go skydiving?
It scares the hell out of the dog.
Did you hear about the antenna that got married?
The ceremony wasnt much but the reception was amazing!
What’s a pirate’s favorite juice?
The Hi-C
How did Billy feel after he dropped his toothpaste?
Crestfallen.
I just paid $350 for a limousine, but found out it didnt have a driver.
All that money and nothing to chauffeur it.
If you’re ever feeling lonely, just remember…
Every day is a date.
Christmas joke
A 17 year old male walks into a drug store. He says "I've been invited to Christmas dinner at my new girlfriend's house. Afterwards I hope there is a chance I get lucky, you know what I mean" Clerk: "How about condoms then? They could come in handy. Here's a pack." The young man after paying walks to the door, stops, smiles, comes back: "you know what, the mom is also smoking hot, I think I'll take another pack, just in case I get extra lucky." Christmas eve comes around, the boy sits at the dinner table and doesn't say a word. After a while his girlfriend says: "if I had known you were so quiet, I wouldn't have invited you." the young man replies "if you had told me your dad works at a drug store, I wouldn't have come."
When does a joke become a dad joke?
When the punchline becomes apparent.
