“Hey Dad, have you seen my sunglasses?”
“No son, have you seen my dad glasses?”
Ok – I finally understand my life.
On the first day, God created the dog and said, "Sit all day by the door of your house and bark at anyone who comes in or walks past. For this, I will give you a life span of twenty years."The dog said, "That's a long time to be barking. How about only ten years and I'll give you back the other ten?" So God agreed…… On the second day, God created the monkey and said, "Entertain people, do tricks, and make them laugh. For this, I'll give you a twenty-year life span." The monkey said, "Monkey tricks for twenty years? That's a pretty long time to perform. How about I give you back ten like the dog did?" And God agreed…… On the third day, God created the cow and said, "You must go into the field with the farmer all day long and suffer under the sun, have calves and give milk to support the farmer's family. For this, I will give you a life span of sixty years." The cow said, "That's kind of a tough life you want me to live for sixty years. How about twenty and I'll give back the other forty?" And God agreed again…… On the fourth day, God created humans and said, "Eat, sleep, play, marry and enjoy your life. For this, I'll give you twenty years." But the human said, "Only twenty years? Could you possibly give me my twenty, the forty the cow gave back, the ten the monkey gave back, and the ten the dog gave back; that makes eighty, okay?" "Okay," said God. "You asked for it." So that is why for our first twenty years, we eat, sleep, play and enjoy ourselves. For the next forty years, we slave in the sun to support our family. For the next ten years, we do monkey tricks to entertain the grandchildren. And for the last ten years, we sit on the front porch and bark at everyone. Life has now been explained to you.
Someone called me racist for saying “black paint.”
Apparently the politically correct term is "Tyrone, please paint the fence."
Knock knock. Who’s there? Dishes. Dishes who?
This is Sean Connery.
What do you call friends you eat with?
Taste buds.
Day Job
A passenger in a taxi tapped the driver on the shoulder to hand him the money. The driver screamed, lost control of the cab, nearly hit a bus, drove up over the curb and stopped just inches from a large plate glass window. For a few moments everything was silent in the cab, then the driver said, "Please, don't ever do that again. You scared the daylights out of me." The passenger, who was also frightened, apologized and said he didn't realize that a tap on the shoulder could frighten him so much,to which the driver replied, "I'm sorry, it's really not your fault at all. Today is my first day driving a cab. I have been driving a hearse for the last 25 year
Her: Did you know Australia has 9 of the world’s 10 deadliest snakes?
Me: Shit! One escaped?
WHAT DO WE WANT?! Low flying airplane noises! WHEN DO WE WANT THEM?!
Neeeeeeeeeeeooowwwwwwwww.
I Can swear, I’ve seen someone who did the last one, and complained it didn’t work!😂
https://ift.tt/2NaXfvM
A man and a woman are standing in an elevator. The woman suddenly asks “Is having a penis nice?”
The man laughed and said “Eh, it has its ups and downs.”
Do you guys remember when I told you about my spine issue?
It was about a week back.
How do you make Easter easier?
Replace the t with an i.
A woman answers a knock at the door at 3pm and a man asks if she has a vagina
She slams the door, waits and watches the man leave. The next day, at 3pm once again, she hears a knock at the door and there stood the man once more. "Do you have a vagina?" The woman slammed the door in his face and watched him walk off through the blinds. Growing more disturbed, she told her husband, who decided to take the day off work in hopes of seeing the man and handling the situation. Sure enough, the next day at 3pm, there is a knock at the door. "That's him," the wife says. The husband tells her, "Open it. I'm going to hide. I want to see where he is going with this." The woman opens the door and the man asks, "Do you have a vagina?" After some hesitation, the woman answers, "Yes." The man then tells her, "Why don't you let your husband use it so he'll leave my wife's alone?"
When I was a teen, my dad showed me a 30 minute PowerPoint presentation on why one should always wear a condom during sex.
All the slides were just pictures of me.
Man: Doctor, all five of my boys want to be valets when they grow up!
Doctor: Wow! That’s the worst case of Parking Son’s disease I have ever seen.
Once I was so broke I couldn’t even pay the electricity bill.
Those were dark days.
HELP ME I JUST WANTED TO FIND OUT IF I GOT THE LAST NAME RIGHT 😩
HELP ME I JUST WANTED TO FIND OUT IF I GOT THE LAST NAME RIGHT 😩
A flight is on its way to Sydney when a blonde in economy class gets up, and moves up to the first class section and sits down.
The flight attendant watches her do this, and asks to see her ticket. She then tells the blonde that she paid for economy class, and that she will have to sit in the back. The blonde replies, “I’m blonde, I’m beautiful, I’m going to Sydney and I’m staying right here”. The flight attendant goes into the cockpit and tells the pilot and the co-pilot that there is a blonde bimbo sitting in first class, that belongs in economy, and won’t move back to her seat. The co-pilot goes back to the blonde and tries to explain that because she only paid for economy she will have to leave and return to her seat. The blonde replies, “I’m blonde, I’m beautiful, I’m going to Sydney and I’m staying right here”. The co-pilot tells the pilot that he probably should have the police waiting when they land to arrest this blonde woman who won’t listen to reason. The pilot says, “You said she is a blonde? I’ll handle this, I’m married to a blonde. I speak blonde”. He goes back to the blonde and whispers in her ear, and she says, “Oh, I’m sorry” and gets up and goes back to her seat in economy. The flight attendant and co-pilot are amazed and asked him what he said to make her move without any fuss. I told her, “First class isn’t going to Sydney “
My friend hit me with a full bottle of Coke…
But it didn't hurt, because it was a soft drink!
Dad Joke of the Century
Operator: 911, what's your emergency? Dad: My wife's going into labor, and I don't know what to do. Operator: Is this her first born? Dad: No, this is her husband
The person who invented the wheel to make life easier is so lazy
All he did was cut corners
Argentina is kind of cold this time of year…
In fact, it’s borderline Chile.
Fifty Shades of Gray has beat records for the fastest selling R rated movie
Well, first it tied the records up, then it beat them…
I spent $5,000 on a boob job for the wife
She was delighted. I spent another $2,000 on a nose job for her. She was ecstatic. I spent $2,000 on liposuction for her and she couldn't thank me enough. But I spend 50 bucks on a blowjob for myself and she goes fucking nuts! Women, I can't figure them out.
What’s it called when a hooker farts?
A prosti-toot
I have sex with my wife almost everyday!
Almost on Monday, almost on Tuesday, almost on Wednesday…
I invented a new word
Plagiarism
Out here in Virginia protecting my potatoes just like President Trump said 🥔🥔🥔
https://ift.tt/2XkWCUf
Kids should not run with scissors
And lesbians should not scissor with the runs
A man walks into an LGBTQ centre.
He walks up to the front desk and introduces himself. "Hello, I identify as a chocolate bar. Can I join?" The receptionist replies "Sir, that's disgraceful! You're mocking the community. We're going to have to ask you to leave." "You can't call me sir!" The man exclaims. "I use her/shey pronouns."
If your Tesla gets stolen,
is it called an Edison now?
I recently switched all the labels on my wife’s spice rack…
She hasn't figured it out yet, but the thyme is cumin…
A large group of ISIS fighters in Iraq are moving down a road when they hear a voice call from behind a sand dune: “One Marine is better than ten ISIS fighters.”
The ISIS commander quickly orders 10 of best men over the dune where a gun battle breaks out and continues for a few minutes, then silence. The voice once again calls out: "One Marine is better than one hundred ISIS fighters. Furious, the ISIS commander sends his next best 100 troops over the dune and instantly a huge gun fight commences. After 10 minutes of battle, again silence. The voice calls out again: "One Marine is better than a thousand ISIS fighters." The enraged ISIS commander musters 1,000 fighters and sends them to the other side of the dune. Rifle fire, machine guns, grenades, rockets and cannon fire ring out as a terrible fight is fought … then silence. Eventually, one badly wounded ISIS fighter crawls back over the dune and with his dying words tells his commander, "Don't send any more men … it's a trap. There's two of them."
