“Hey Dad, have you seen my sunglasses?”
“No son, have you seen my dad glasses?”
Can anyone inform me on who invented knock knock jokes ?
They deserve a no bell prize
What do you call a masturbating Vegan?
A WeedWhacker (sorry if it’s awful first time on this sub)
What did one plate say to the other plate?
Dinner is on me!
If a blind girl tells you your dick is the biggest she’s ever felt
She's probably pulling your leg.
![[NSFW]. I hope she gets a clue](https://jokejet.com/wp-content/uploads/2019/07/m8bvpjxqngc31-400x711.jpg)
My wife is threatening to leave me because of my obsession with wearing different clothes every half an hour.
I said, “Wait, I can change.”
Had sex with my girlfriend a couple days ago..
My girlfriend and I had sex a couple of days ago. She looked at me and said, "Turn the light off and stick it in my butt". I guess I should have waited for the bulb to cool off first.
I finally got my dream job at the guillotine factory
I’ll beheading there shortly
A blind man visits Texas. When he gets to his hotel room, he feels the bed. “Wow, this bed is big!”
“Everything is big in Texas,” says the bellhop. The man heads downstairs to the bar, settles into a huge barstool and orders a beer. A mug is placed between his hands. “Wow these drinks are big!” The bartender replies, “Everything is big in Texas.” After downing a few, the blind man asks where the bathroom is. “Second door to the right,” says the bartender. The blind man heads for the bathroom but accidentally enters the third door, which leads to the swimming pool, and he falls in. Popping his head up from under the water and flailing his arms, he shouts, “Don’t flush, don’t flush!”
Never fight dinosaurs..
You’ll get Jurasskicked
You: Bastard
Me: You just did You: I'm not going to do that Me: This joke only makes sense if you read it backwards
A drill sergeant is yelling at private.
“Son, I bet you can’t wait for me to die so you can piss on my grave!” The private emphatically replies, “No sir! Once I get out of the army I’m never gonna stand in line again. “
What did the big chimney say to the little chimney?
You're too young to smoke.
The Pen..
Mike says to Jack, “I found this pen, is it yours?” Jack replies, “Don’t know let me see.” He then tries it and says, “Yes it is.” Mike asks, “How do you know?” Jack replies, “That’s my handwriting..”.
I don’t usually tell dad jokes
But when I do, he laughs
Dad, are we pyromaniacs?
Yes we arson
I named my eraser Confidence…
Because it gets smaller with every mistake I make
How do you turn a duck into a soul singer?
Put it in the oven until its Bill Withers. (A tribute to Bill – RIP)
The oldest computer can be traced back to Adam and Eve.
It was an apple but with extremely limited memory. Just 1 byte. And then everything crashed.
I was watching Jurassic park the other day,
when I thought, “Not only does my son have a stupid name, but he’s also a shit driver”.
Someone stole my Microsoft Office, and they’re going to pay.
You have my word
I poisoned my wifes pita dip
The police charged me with hummus-cide
My parents treat me like a god…
…they don't believe in me.
Why do religious people not like trigonometry
Cos it's a sin.
A guy in North Korea is walking home after his day at work . . .
. . . and he walks past a security checkpoint. One of the guards calls to him and says to stop, but he takes off running. The guard raises his rifle, takes aim, and shoots him dead in the street. The other guard stares at him. "What did you do that for?" he asks. "Curfew violation," the other guard says. "Curfew violation? Curfew isn't for another half hour!" "I know. That's my friend. I know where he lives. He never would have made it."
A dollar !
A young boy enters a barber shop and the barber whispers to one of his customers, “This is the dumbest kid in the world. Watch while I prove it to you.” The barber puts a dollar bill in one hand and two quarters in the other, then calls the boy over and asks, “Which do you want, son?” The boy takes the quarters and leaves. “What did I tell you?” said the barber. “That kid never learns!” Later, when the customer leaves, he sees the same young boy coming out of the ice cream store. “Hey, son! May I ask you a question? Why did you take the quarters from the barber instead of the dollar bill?” The boy replied, “Because the day I take the dollar, the game will be over!” 😛 😀
What state has the smallest drinks?
Mini-Soda. (From my seven-year-old.)
Why does Waldo wear stripes?
He doesn’t want to be spotted
I named my dog insane.
So when people ask me ‘are you fucking insane?’ I’ll say no, I’m fucking my sister.
