“Hey dad, what does gay mean?” The boy asked his dad
"Gay is when a person is happy." his dad replied
The boy thought for a long time before asking "Hey dad, are YOU gay?"
His dad quickly responded again with "No son, I'm married to your mother."
What do you call a cow that works out?
Beefy my 15 year old daughter trying to emulate my sense of humor.
Do not use “BEEFSTEW” as a password
It's not stroganoff
The bible is one of the best-selling books in the world.
You could say it's very prophetable.
Monday: Greg. Tuesday: Ian: Wednesday: Greg. Thursday: Ian. Friday: Greg
A GregOrIan calendar
Last night i used Vaseline with my wife and came 10 times
Once with her and 9 in the shower trying to wash it off
A young man was in love with two women and could not decide which of them to marry. Finally he went to a marriage counselor. When asked to describe his two loves, he noted that one was a great poet and the other made delicious pancakes…
"Oh." said the counselor. "I see what the problem is. You can't decide whether to marry for batter or verse."
My wife tried to order an exotic snake online, but when the package arrived, it contained only feathered scarves…
Looks like the boa cons tricked her…
So, this dude was walking down a beach and kicked a lamp, and a magic genie pops out.
The genie gives him the old "you freed me, so I will grant you a wish" thing that genies do. So the guy says "I love riding my motorcycle. I would love to ride it around the world. Can you build a highway that connects the entire world together?" The genie pauses for a moment, and with a look of disappointment tells the guy "while I am in fact a mighty powerful genie, not all wishes can be granted. A wish of that magnitude is impossible. Think of something else". The guy thinks for a moment and says "ya know what Gene? I love reading reddit. One of my favorite subreddits is r/jokes, but all that is there are reposts. Can you get some new material on there for me?" The genie replies "Ok…..so was that a two lane, or four lane highway?"
My credit card company must be really proud of me
They keep telling me I have an outstanding balance
The IRS decided to audit my Grandpa…
The IRS auditor was not surprised when Grandpa showed up with his attorney. The auditor said, “Well, sir, you have an extravagant lifestyle and no full-time employment, which you explain by saying that you win money gambling. I’m not sure the IRS finds that believable.” “I’m a great gambler, and I can prove it,” says Grandpa. “How about a demonstration?” The auditor thinks for a moment and says, “OK. Go ahead.” Grandpa says, “I’ll bet you a thousand dollars that I can bite my own eye.” The auditor thinks a moment and says, “It’s a bet.” Grandpa removes his glass eye and bites it. The auditor’s jaw drops. Grandpa says, “Now, I’ll bet you two thousand dollars that I can bite my other eye.” The auditor can tell Grandpa isn’t blind, so he takes the bet. Grandpa removes his dentures and bites his good eye. The stunned auditor now realizes he has wagered and lost three grand, with Grandpa’s attorney as a witness. He starts to get nervous. “Want to go double or nothing?” Grandpa asks. “I’ll bet you six thousand dollars that I can stand on one side of your desk, and pee into that wastebasket on the other side, and never get a drop anywhere in between.” The auditor, twice burned, is cautious now, but he looks carefully and decides there’s no way this old guy could possibly manage that stunt, so he agrees again. Grandpa stands beside the desk and unzips his pants, but although he strains mightily, he can’t make the stream reach the wastebasket on the other side, so he pretty much urinates all over the auditor’s desk. The auditor leaps with joy, realizing that he has just turned a major loss into a huge win. But Grandpa’s attorney moans and puts his head in his hands. “Are you OK?” the auditor asks. “Not really,” says the attorney. “This morning, when Grandpa told me he’d been summoned for an audit, he bet me twenty-five thousand dollars that he could come in here and pee all over your desk and that you’d be happy about it.”
My wife told me that I have a dad bod
I disagree. I clearly have a father figure
Why did the duck die?
It overdosed on quack.
A thief pointed a knife at me and said “your money or your life”
I smiled and told him I was married, so I have no money or a life. He dropped the knife and we hugged and cried for a moment.
With the recent spike in sex toy purchases because of corona virus, I can only draw one conclusion.
The virus is literally making us go fuck ourselves.
My girlfriend is very untidy and never helps clean our place. I finally snapped and told her she needed to do her share. She smiled and said…
“If I could turn back time!!! If I could find a way!!!!"
What do you use to draw baths
Water colors
What is the least spoken language in the world?
Sign Language
What haunts a chicken coop?
Poultrygeist
What do you call 20 rabbits walking backwards?
A receding hairline.
I come from a family of failed magicians.
I've got two half sisters.
What is a tree’s favorite app?
Sapchat
Did you know a school of piranha can devour a child in 30 seconds
Anyhow today I lost my job at the aquarium
Why is booze better than carrots?
Carrots may be good for your eyes but booze will double your vision.
I knew an autistic baker who could make a loaf of bread in any shape.
He had special kneads.
What do you call Batman when he leaves church?
Christian Bale.
It seems like every Thanksgiving I end up eating leftovers for weeks afterwards…
Not this year though – I'm quitting cold turkey…
How do you tell a joke is a dad joke
It’s apparent
A guy goes over to his new girlfriends house for dinner with her family. Unfortunately he has severe gas…
He is fighting to hold it in while they all eat. Unable to hold it in anymore he lets out a fart and the grandma shouts “Rover!” He realizes the dog is sitting next to him and is relieved that the dog is being blamed. So naturally he lets out another one and this time the father shouts “Rover!” Satisfied with the cover up of the dog being blamed he rips his biggest fart yet, this time the mother shouts “Rover! Get over here before that man shits all over you!”
What do “PETA” and “Make a Wish Foundation” have in common?
A 10% survival rate I’m so sorry
Just found out I’m allergic to plantains today.
I'm okay but I went into bananaphylactic shock.
What did the left eye say to the right eye?
Between you and me, something smells.
My wife said, “You act like a detective too much, I want to split up.”
"Good idea!" I replied. "We can cover more ground that way!"
If you hit Dwayne Johnson’s ass
Does it mean you hit rock bottom
Oops.. I just broke two of my dad’s old Queen records
Now I want to break three
I was working out my calves at the gym today.
The instructor said, "How the hell did you bring the cows here?"
The museum guide
Visitor: "How old is that Tyrannosaurus skeleton?" Guide: "70,000,006 years." Visitor: "Wow. How can you be so precise?" Guide: "They told me it was 70,000,000 years old when I started working here."
You’ve heard of “click it or ticket”, a slogan telling drivers to use a seatbelt or they will get fined…
Now get ready for the new slogan of 2020: “Mask it or Casket”!
Why are books so expensive?
Because they're paper view.
What do you call a kinky dinosaur?
A Doyouhaveasoreass
