Hey girl are you HTTP?
Because you're really insecure
Some people aren’t shaking hands because of COVID 19.
I’m not shaking hands because everyone is out of toilet paper and hand sanitizer.
What did the sun bring to eat at the beach?
A light snack
Dr: “Sir, I’m afraid your DNA is backwards”
Me: "AND?"
I don’t often tell dad jokes.
But when i do, he usually laughs
What do you call a butchers conference
A meating
If I had a dollar for every time someone called me racist…
A lot of black people would try to mug me
My dad’s birthday is today (12/14/45). To him and all other dads and dad-like figures out there…
….thank you for the dad jokes. They may not all make us die laughing and some we've heard you tell a million times over, but the one thing they have in common is that they're told in kindness and they put a little smile on our faces. And living in this crazy world, that's a very good thing. I love you dad.
Wtf is an acronym.
No text found
I finally told my therapist I was having suicidal thoughts
He said I have to start paying in advance
The psychic I go to can predict what’s going to happen two years from now.
He's got 2020 vision.
[presidential test post]
pls ignore
Did you know the first French fries weren’t actually cooked in France?
They were cooked in Greece.
What do Mexicans think about Trumps wall?
They'll get over it.
What’s a pirate’s least favorite letter?
Dear Sir, We have terminated your internet service due to illegal copyright violation practices. Sincerely, Your ISP
Today a girl kissed me
I wish I could post it in another subreddit
If you mix a lion and a tiger you get a liger. If you mix a horse and a donkey you get a mule. What happens when you mix an orangutan and a lawyer?
Nothing. The lawyer doesn't have enough human DNA.
I wrote the names of everyone I’ve unfriended onto a piece of paper; but my roommate took it and rolled it into a joint.
Now he’s high on my list of people I never want to see again.
Told my PC gamer friend that I bought a home for my rodent.
He should see my new mouse pad.
Why were people running towards Finland?
It was a race to the Finnish.
Trump should not have said “shit-hole countries”.
The correct term is "turd-world countries".
Where do horses go when they get sick?
The horse-pital. No I’m kidding they get shot
Two Thai girls asked me if I wanted to sleep with them.
They said it would be like winning the lottery. To my horror they were right, we had six matching balls.
Despite what you think, earthquakes aren’t perfect
They all have their faults.
A Roman walks into a bar and says “I’ll have a martinus.”
The bartender asks “Don’t you mean a martini?” In response the Roman says “If I wanted a double I’d have asked for it!”
Did you hear the one about the giant throwing up?
It’s all over town.
What is the difference between Inlaws and Outlaws?
Outlaws are Wanted…
Why was Han Solo crying at the dinner table?
Because the meat was Chewie.
Which weighs more, a gallon of water or a gallon of butane?
A gallon of water. Butane is a lighter fluid.
Did you hear about the guy who got caught pirating Captain Marvel?
He got charged with Brie Larceny
Research found chewing of garlic cloves daily helps prevent Wuhan virus.
People around you will socially distance from you automatically.
I taught a wolf to meditate
He’s now Aware Wolf
Why was 79 sad?
cos 81
A woman went to a dance and hit it off with a guy there.
They both liked what they saw and decided to go back to his place. One thing led to another, and soon they gravitated to the bedroom and proceeded to undress. The first thing he removed was his socks and shoes. She noted his feet were withered and crooked. When asked, he responded that when he was six, he contracted toe-lio. She looked at him confused. “You mean polio?” He shook his head and replied, “No…toe-lio.” He then took off his pants. His knees were knobby and gnarled. She asked him what was up with that. He told her, “When I was eight, I got the kneesles.” “You mean measles?” “No…kneesles.” Then he removed his underwear. She sighed… “Let me guess. When you were ten, you got small cocks?”
Hmm…Adidas, Reebok, or Puma…What do you guys think?
My partner thinks Adidas, but I think Reebok is a good name for a baby boy.
“Won’t you kiss me, doctor”, asks a beautiful woman.
"No, it would be against my code of ethics," says the doctor. "Please, just one kiss," begs the woman. "It's completely out of question," he goes on. "I shouldn't even really be having sex with you."
Which Disney Park ride has the most area for people to wait?
Space Mountain.
The past present and future got into an argument while camping.
http://bit.ly/2BE6vBp
