Hey girl!!
I really hate One Direction fans.
Oscillating ones cool the room much better.
A writer approached me today acting strange and asked me to help him find his back garden…
I think he's lost the plot…
Son: Dad, don’t you think you’ve eaten enough?
Dad: Son, it's good to live life to the fullest.
What’s a Javelina’s favorite body of water?
The Bay of Pigs.
I started carrying a gun after an attempted mugging a few years ago.
Since then my muggings have been a lot more successful.
I called my wife and told her I’d pick up pizza and coke on my way back home from work, but she’s not happy.
She still regrets letting me name the twins.
A girl walks into a gun store and falls onto a weapon rack.
The gunstore owner says: She just fell into my arms
He’s going to want legal immunity in exchange for leaving after he gets beat.
https://ift.tt/34feAtl
Has anyone elses gardening skills improved during this quarantine like mine have?
I planted myself on my couch at the beginning of March and I've grown significantly since.
Super Bowl Halftime
At halftime it's Maroon 5 Patriots 3 Rams 0
Hey Bob, do you shower after sex
Hey Bob, do you shower after sex? Well, of course I do. Great, could you please get laid more often?
Where do crayons go for vacation?
Colorado
What do you call a farm when none of the cows give milk?
An udder disaster.
My dad was bragging about his new hearing aid. “State of the Art,” he said, “It cost me a fortune.”
I said, “Awesome. What type is it?” He said, “ Two thirty.”
What do you call a boat made of penises and potatoes?
A dictatorship =3
Bro, do you want a pamphlet?
Brochure!
The quarantine has ruined many marriages but mine is still going strong.
Just the other day I woke up to my beautiful and loving wife holding a pillow tightly over my face to protect me from the coronavirus.
A woman goes to the doctor’s to have a strange mark on her tummy looked at. The doctor said, “Do you by any chance have a boyfriend who attends Wisconsin University?”
Confused, the girl asks, "Why do ask?" The doc chuckles, "I'm not just a doctor, I'm also an amateur detective. It looks like your lover likes to wear a sweater with the initial letter of their university emblazoned on the front. It's mildly abrasive quality has been rubbing on your skin." "Not bad doc!" she says. "Not bad at all!" "Well…" says the doctor. "Am I right, then? Do you have a boyfriend from Wisconsin?" She smiles and explains, "Nope, but I've got a girlfriend from Michigan!"
What do you call a cow with no legs?
Ground beef What do you call a cow with two legs? Lean beef What do you call a cow that has been knighted? Sir Loin What do you call a cow with a twitch? Beef Jerky What do you call a cow that dies in a helicopter crash? Kobe Beef
What’s 50 Cent’s name in Zimbabwe?
400 Million dollars
Why is leather great for sneaking around?
Because it's made of hide!
The seminar “How To Avoid Frauds” is cancelled…
Tickets are non-refundable…
Bob is getting older and his kids decided to put him in an assisted living facility.
Bob at first was reluctant to go there. Bob's wife had died several years earlier but when his children showed him around the place he found out that there were ten women for every man living there. Since Bob had married young in life and didn't really get a chance to sow his wild oats when younger, he decided to give the place a go and see if he could catch up on some fun times with the ladies there. On his first day a the home he met Sally, a pleasant older woman that informed Bob that on Wednesday Nights it was movie night for the residents. She asked Bob if he would go with her to the the movie that week. Bob told Sally that he would go with her but only if she held his penis during the film. Sally thought about this for a bit and decided – what the heck, she could do that, as she really wanted a date for Wednesday Movie night. Everything went well with the date and the next Tuesday Sally asked Bob if he would take her to the movie again this week but Bob said he was sorry he could not because he was going to the Wednesday Night movie with another resident Jane. Sally was a bit miffed that Bob already had found someone else and asked Bob, "So whats Jane got that I haven't got". To which Bob replied: "Parkinsons".
What did the egg say to the boiling water?
It's gonna take me a while to get hard; I got laid earlier today
Helen Keller was truly an inspiration,
She was able to learn how to read and write despite being from Alabama
At 11:55 PM, a cop drives by a park, and sees a single car with the lights off…
He taps on the window, and finds two kids inside: a girl knitting and a boy reading a book. After a second, the boy looks up. "Evening officer." "What are you kids doing?" the cop demands, "How old are you two?" "I'm reading," says the boy, "and I'm twenty." He points to the girl. "She's knitting, and she'll be eighteen in five minutes."
Joke
An Eskimo brings his friend to his home for a visit. When they arrive, his friend asks, puzzled – “So where’s your igloo?” – The friend replies “Oh no, I must’ve left the iron on…”
I was arrested the other day for stealing people’s electrons.
I was heavily charged, despite my victims saying it was an overall positive experience.