Hey guys take your daily Beta-Carotene, Luitein and Beta-Cryptoxantine to boost your immune system
The only time incorrectly isn’t spelled incorrectly is when it’s spelled incorrectly.
Credit my uncle, who is an uncle joking but not making uncle jokes. A dad-joker but not my dad.
Two antennas got married.
The ceremony wasn't much, but the reception was excellent!
Why was everyone shocked when the fruit fly’s girlfriend agreed to marry him?
Because the pair had only ever been on rotten dates.
What do you call a werewolf youtuber?
A lycansubscribe!
Hey dad, how do you feel?
I feel with my hands. That was my dad’s go to, directly followed by: dad: can I make you a sandwich Me: sure Dad: (does magic hands) poof you’re a sandwich It’s almost 3 years since he died. I miss his joke every damn day.
Oh you millenials with your newfangled talk about this “curbside pickup” concept you “invented” because of Covid…
Well I tell ya, we garbage-men have been doing curbside pickup ever since the 30's. . . . And we didn't need any of your formal training for it neither, we just picked it up as we went along. . . . And get off my lawn!
I tried to impress a bunch of people at a party by playing my guitar, but nobody took any notice.
They just frowned and moved to another part of the silent disco.
Nothing starts with an N and ends with a G.
Change my mind.
I lost my mood ring…
I'm not sure how I feel about that at the moment.
Two young boys walked into a pharmacy, picked out a box of tampons, and proceeded to the checkout counter
The man at the counter asked the older boy, "Son, how old are you?" "Eight" the boy replied. The man continued, "Do you know what these are used for?" The boy replied, "Not exactly, but they aren't for me. They're for him… He's my brother. He's four. We saw on TV that if you use these, you will be able to swim and ride a bike. Right now, he can't do either"
The Shredder
A young engineer was leaving the office at 5:45 p.m. when he found the CEO standing in front of a shredder with a piece of paper in his hand. "Listen," said the CEO, "this is a very sensitive and important document, and my secretary is not here. Can you make this thing work?" "Certainly!" said the young engineer. He turned on the machine, inserted the paper, and pressed the start button. "Excellent, excellent!" said the CEO as his paper disappeared inside the machine, "I just need one more copy."
A physicist sees a man about to jump off of the Empire State Building…
He yells,” Don’t do it, you have too much potential”
What do you get when you cross an elephant and a rhino?
Ans: Elephino
Oedipus joke
Oedipus: Oracle, what’s going to happen to me? Oracle: you’re going to kill your father and marry joe. Oedipus: whose Joe?
What do you call an alligator wearing a vest?
An investigator!
A couple wants to have sex but their son is in the house.
The only way to pull off a Sunday afternoon "quickie " with their 8-year-old son in the apartment was to send him out on the balcony with a Popsicle and tell him to report on all the neighborhood activities… "There's a car being towed from the parking lot," he shouted.He began his commentary as his parents put their plan into operation. "An ambulance just drove by!" "Looks like the Andersons have company," he called out. "Matt's riding a new bike!" "Looks like the Sanders are moving!" "Jason is on his skate board!" After a few moments he announced… "The Coopers are having sex. Startled, his mother and dad shot up in bed. Dad cautiously called out…"How do you know they're having sex?" "Jimmy Cooper is standing on his balcony with a Popsicle."
Today I learned: The writer Stephen King has a son named Joe.
I’m not joking, but he is.
Did you know if you hold your ear up too a strangers leg
… you can actually hear them say "what the fuck are you doing?"
My wife tripped and dropped the basket of clothes she had just ironed.
I watched it all unfold.
Why do seagulls fly over the sea?
because if they flew over the bay, they'd be bagels.
I’ve been looking for my ex girlfriend’s killer for the past two years.
But nobody will do it.
I hate it when kids these days write “angle” instead of “angel.”
They are just trying to be edgy.
My mom thinks I need to stop objectifying women, I think she is overreacting.
She asked why I broke up with the last girl and I said "It didn't work out." She told me to be more specific so I said "I just told you, she didn't exercise."
NSFW – A mother was walking down the hall when she heard a humming sound coming from her daughter’s bedroom. When she opened the door she found her daughter naked on the bed with a vibrator.What are you doing?” she exclaimed. The daughter replied, “I’m 35 and still living at home with my parents an
What are you doing?" she exclaimed. The daughter replied, "I'm 35 and still living at home with my parents and this is the closest I'll ever get to a husband." Later that week the father was in the kitchen and heard a humming sound coming from the basement. When he went downstairs, he found his daughter naked on the sofa with her vibrator. "What are you doing?" he exclaimed. The daughter replied, "I'm 35 and still living at home with my parents and this is the closest I'll ever get to a husband." A couple of days later the mother heard the humming sound again, this time in the living room. In there, she found her husband watching the Super Bowl on television with the vibrator buzzing away beside him. "What are you doing?" she exclaimed. He replied…………"Watching the game with my son-in-law."
“Dad, do all European countries drive on the right?”
Dad: Yes, the Brits left.
What do you call a fat psychic?
A four-chin teller
I wish I could be ugly for one day.
Being ugly every day sucks.
Son: “Dad, are we pyromaniacs?”
“Yes, we arson.”
Anyone hear about the transsexual lion that became a vegetarian?
He was a her before.