Hey honey I’m thinking about making stake tonight, what do you think?
For supporting me. My arms, for always being by my side. And my fingers, I could always count on them.
She said she just can't take it any longer.
..At Taco Bell.
And its a 45 minute walk from the pub to my house. The difference is staggering.
The front row at a Trump rally.
Guess who came crawling back
I told him "you're not going to find what you're looking for."
So when someone asks for your wifi password you can say 12345678
A crusty old man walks into the local Lutheran Church and says to the secretary, “I would like to join this damn church.”
The astonished woman replies, "I beg your pardon, sir. I must have misunderstood you. What did you say?" "Listen up, damn it. I said I want to join this damn church!" "I'm very sorry sir, but that kind of language is not tolerated in this church." And with that said, the secretary leaves her desk and walks into the pastor's study to inform him of her situation. The pastor agrees that the secretary does not have to listen to that foul language. They both return to her office and the pastor asks the old geezer, "Sir, what seems to be the problem here?" "There is no damn problem," the man says. "I just won $200 million bucks in the damn lottery and I want to join this damn church to get rid of some of this damn money." "I see," said the pastor. "And is this bitch giving you a hard time?"
It’s a Loki event.
that if a woman says "smell this" it usually smells nice
Because attachments are forbidden
For the wedding, my whole family and friends flew over to her home town of Moscow. It was a beautiful ceremony, however I did find some things strange. For instance, the priest never said, "You may now kiss the bride", but I just assumed it was purely an American thing and didn't mind. Later during the reception, we were both starving and decided to head over to the buffet to get food. On the way we passed the drink table, where about six people were waiting to get a fruity drink from a bowl. As we passed, they all said in unison, "You may now kiss the bride!" My wife got giddy and gave me a big kiss, which I of course returned. As we walked away I asked, "Why did they tell us to kiss and not the priest?" My wife answered, "In Soviet Russia, the punchline tells you!"
It was an Apple with limited memory, just one byte. And then everything crashed.
I guess it’s time to take Matters into my own hands
An old lady asked me to check her balance – so I pushed her over
Sir: Like winning an argument with my wife. Waiter: Rare it is.
No one listened, but he kept on warning them nonetheless until they got sick of him and kicked him out the movie theater.
I understand, she is deadly allergic to nuts.
I didn't even know they could knit!
I could be trapped inside an underground hole filled with water. I know he means well.
Two prostitutes were chatting on the corner. One says to the other, “You ever been picked up by the fuzz?”
She says, "No, but I've been swung around by the tits a couple times."
The head nun tells the two new nuns that they have to paint their room without getting any paint on their clothes.
So the one nun says to the other, "Hey, let's take all our clothes off, fold them up, and lock the door. That way we won’t get paint on our clothes and can move more freely to get the job done faster. So they do this, and begin painting their room. Soon they hear a knock at the door. They ask, "Who is it?" "Blind man!" The nuns look at each other, then one nun says, "He's blind, he can't see. What could it hurt." They let him in. The blind man walks in and says, "Hey, nice t*ts. Where do you want me to hang the blinds?"
Tell a redditor a joke he will post it for a lifetime
You get your palm red.
I’d probably only drive it from time to time…
I asked if it was about marching or jazz