Hey, I have this idea for an app and I need you to….
Harold is 95 and lives in a Senior Citizen Home.
Every night after dinner, Harold goes to a secluded garden behind the Centre to sit and ponder his accomplishments and long life. One evening, Mildred, age 87, wanders into the garden. They begin to chat and before they know it, several hours have passed. After a short lull in their conversation, Harold turns to Mildred and asks, "Do you know what I miss most of all?" Sex!" Mildred exclaims, "Why you old fart! You couldn't get it up if I held a gun to your head!" "I know," Harold says, "but it would be nice if a woman could just hold it for a while." "Well, I can oblige," says Mildred, who unzips his trousers, removes his manhood and proceeds to hold it. Afterward, they agree to meet secretly each night in the garden where they would sit and talk and Mildred would hold Harold's manhood. Then one night, Harold didn't show up at their usual meeting place. Alarmed, Mildred decided to find Harold to make sure that he was okay. She walked around the Senior Citizen Home. She found him sitting by the pool with Ethel, another female resident, who was holding Harold's manhood. Furious, Mildred yelled, "You two-timing son of a bitch! What does Ethel have that I don't have?" Old Harold smiled happily and replied, "Parkinson's."
What’s the difference between a literalist and a kleptomaniac?
A literalist takes things literally. A kleptomaniac takes things, literally.
I met this girl at the vegan restaurant who said she knew me.
But I never met herbivore.
Science riddle (maybe)
So guys i received a riddle for my friend and 1 grand is on the line. Can you guys help me with it?”50+10+0+the middle of the sea+the middle of the sun”
One Day a Cowboy Rode into Town
He tied up his horse and entered a saloon When he exited the saloon, he found his horse missing The cowboy shouted, "I'm going to go inside for another drink, when I'm done, my horse better be returned. If not, I'll do what I did back in Texas." The cowboy went back inside the bar, got a drink, and returned to find his horse. As he saddled up, a man approached him and asked, "Out of curiosity, what did you do back in Texas?" The cowboy responded, "I had to walk home." P.S. Sorry
Bouncer: “I’m going to have to ask you to leave.”
Me: "Why?" Bouncer: "I have no idea who you are and this is my trampoline."
What are pornstars paid?
Income.
Archaeologists recently discovered a tomb
When they dug the remains up they saw that the skeleton had a fine layer of chocolate on it and after months of intense research they discovered that it was the remains of the famous Pharaoh Rocher.
Birthdays are good for your health
Studies have proven that people who have more of them live longer.
A kiss can make your day
But anal will make your hole weak
What did the drummer call his daughters?
Anna 1, Anna 2, Anna 3
My Grandma is 96 years old and she still doesn’t need glasses
She drinks straight from the bottle
Women call me ugly until they find out how much money I make
Then they call me Ugly and Poor
A wheat farmer has a headache and all his crops disappear
Ahh Migraines!
I walked in on my Grandma sucking grandads dick last night…
I dont know why it wasn't cremated with the rest of him?
Poop jokes aren’t my favorite kind of jokes.
But they are a solid number two.
I got arrested for illegally downloading Wikipedia in its entirety
…before I got arrested I said "wait I can explain everything
I wish I could be ugly for one day.
Being ugly every day sucks.
For a good time go bowling
A woman was having sex with her husbands best friend when her phone rang and her husband's name appeared on the ID. As she answered the call, her lover jumped out of bed and began to dress in a hurry. "relax" she said after she hung up the phone. He was just calling to tell me that he'd be home late because he's out bowling with you.
Dating a single mother
Is like continuing from someone else’s saved game
My grandpa used to tell this one all the time….How do you make Holy Water?
You boil the hell out of it.
Michael Jackson, Tupac, Biggie Smalls, and Elvis all walk in to a 7-eleven
You wouldn’t believe it, that store was dead.
Do you wanna hear a ghost joke ?
that's the spirit.
How do you get a Redditor to open a post?
No text found
I quit my job as a scuba diving instructor after my first day at work.
Deep down I realized it wasn’t for me.
I was so embarrassed when my wife found out that I was playing with my son’s train set that I threw a bedsheet over it.
I managed to cover my tracks.
I was named after my dad
Because I couldn’t have possibly been named before him
When a woman is giving birth….
She is literally kidding.
A Serial Killer, Car Thief and Russian Spy walks into a bar
And that was just the first guy
I was skeptical when someone told me that there is a land full of Jews
Turns out, Israel
My girlfriend said to me, “I’m sick of you pretending to be a detective. I think we should split up.”
I said, "Good idea – we can cover more ground that way!"
It’s okay if your phone autocorrects ‘fuck’ to ‘duck.
You're still using fowl language.
Did you know if you took all the human blood vessels and layed them out end to end
You would go to prison and they would make a documentary about you. You sick fuck
It’s my wife’s birthday in a couple of days and when I asked her what she wanted she said she’d be happy with anything with lots of diamonds in it…
She’s going to love this pack of playing cards I’ve bought her…
I hit my friend with a huge crystal of sodium chloride.
I got arrested for a salt!
Did you hear about the premature ejaculator that is training to become a ninja?
Guys a natural, comes out of nowhere.
