“Hey son, what are you drinking?”
"Soy milk"
"Hola milk, soy padre"
I just found out my girlfriend just gave me an STD….
Looks like I’m gonorrhea-valuate the relationship
Science created skyscraper and planes.
Religion brought them together.
If you’re not part of the solution,
you're part of the precipitate.
I keep asking people what LGBT means
I can never get a straight answer
I like dating unfit people
But they just never work out
A blonde is overweight, so her doctor puts her on a diet.
A blonde is overweight, so her doctor puts her on a diet. “I want you to eat regularly for two days, then skip a day, and repeat the procedure for two weeks. The next time I see you, you’ll have lost at least five pounds.” When the blonde returns, she’s lost nearly 20 pounds. “Wow, that’s amazing!” the doctor says. “Did you follow my instructions?” The blonde nods… “I’ll tell you, I'd thought I was going to drop dead that third day." “From hunger, you mean?” said the doctor. “No, from skipping,” replied the blonde.
What if I lifted a pack of Coca-Cola over my head for twenty minutes a day every day?
That would be soda pressing.
Why can’t melons get married?
Because they cantaloupe
Just spent $300 dollars on a limousine and discovered the fee doesn’t include a driver……
Cant believe i just spent all that money and have nothing to chauffeur it.
A cop pulls over an old lady driving 35 mph down the highway…
“Why are you driving so slow, ma’am?” The old lady replies, “Because it’s the speed limit, don’t you see the signs?” The cop says, “Those aren’t speed limit signs, it actually says you are on Highway 35.” The cop notices her three passengers look absolutely terrified. “What’s wrong with them?” the cop asks. The old lady answers, “Not sure, they’ve looked like that since I got off Highway 109.”
And the winner for best neckwear goes to…
Well, would you look at that. It’s a tie.
What’s the difference between a hot potato and a flying pig?
Ones a heated yam, and the other’s a yeeted ham.
I invited all my friends over for my thirty second birthday
After half a minute they all went home.
I love taking my blind daughter out for a drive.
Every time I hit a speed bump, I tell her it was a dog.
The opposite of isolate is
yousoearly.
Why did cheese man choose to become a superhero?
For the grater good.
A blind guy walks into a bar…
…and a table…and a chair…
Judge: I order you to pay $10,000
Mario: why? Judge: it's a fine Mario: [sadly] no itsa not
What did the shy pebble wish for?
That she was a little boulder.
Anthony Fauci is giving the President his daily briefing.
He concludes by saying: ‘‘Yesterday, 300 Brazilians died of COVID.’’ ‘‘Oh no!’’ President Trump exclaims. ‘‘That’s terrible!’’ His staff are stunned at this uncharacteristic display of emotion, nervously watching as the President sits, head in hands. Finally, Trump looks up and asks: ‘‘How many is a brazillion?’’
I just had to divorce an Apple employee
It was an iDivorce
My wife asked me to pick up some of those pills that help with getting an erection.
So I brought her home diet pills.
I love dry erase boards.
They're remarkable.
Why is spiderman so good at comebacks?
Because with great power comes great response ability.
Why didn’t the Asian guy get a high five?
Because Logan Paul left him hanging
I was in a mosh pit with a load of Muslims.
It was Khanage.
Is “buttcheeks” one word?
Or should I spread them apart