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I think my family is racist
I've been nervous for weeks, but I finally decided to introduce them to my Spanish girlfriend My kids refused to talk to her and my wife started crying and told me to pack my things
It’s confirmed . Fresh cow dung can stop corona
Dip both your hands in fresh cow dung before going out. This will make sure that a) you will not touch your eyes, nose, ear or mouth. b) nobody will shake hands with you. c) Nobody will come near you when you are out in the streets. d) You will wash your hands thoroughly before you eat.
My boss said to me, “You are the worst train operator ever. How many trains have you derailed in the past year?”
I said, “I’m not sure. It’s so hard to keep track.”
A dyslexic man walks into a bra…
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When you’re in California, make sure your mechanic uses a state flag to check your oil…
Then you’ll get a, “Super Cali-Flagger Dipstick Expert Diagnosis!"
I heard Apple is developing a new car
But they were having trouble installing windows.
To the guy who invented zero:
Thanks for nothing!
If Dodge made an electric car…
Would it be called a Dodge Chargeable
A man applies to a government job, and he gets told this:
The interviewer asked him if he was allergic to anything. He replies " Yes caffeine, I can't drink coffee," "OK," the interviewer says " Have you been in the military?" The man answers " Yes I was in Iraq for two years." The interviewer says " OK that will give you 5 points toward employment," then he asks " Are you disabled in any way?" The man says " Yes. A bomb exploded near me and I lost both my testicles." The interviewer says " OK, you are a disabled veteran. That adds 5 more points to your employment. You're hired. Work is from 8am to 4pm and we expect you here at 10am. The man says " Wait, if work starts at 8am, why should I come in at 10?" The interviewer replies " Well, for the first two hours we just drink coffee and scratch our balls. No point in you coming for that"
I love the way the Earth rotates…
It really makes my day.
How do you make holy water? You boil the hell out of it.
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I’m convinced 90% of the software on my computer doesn’t do anything…
…except send me notifications that there's a new version of itself.
Does anyone know if its possible to get a skin graft from my butt to a close acquaintance?
Arse skin for a friend.
*Introducing my girlfriend to the family*
Mom: Don't settle for this, you deserve better.. Me: But mom, I lov….. Mom: I was talking to her.
NSFW What’s the difference between a tire and 365 used condoms?
One is a Goodyear, one is a great year.
I have mixed feelings about graphs.
The x and y axes are pretty cool but not the plot itself. That’s where I draw the line.
SORRY THIS POST IS IN ALL CAPS,
BUT MY KEYBOARD WAS BROKEN.
Did you hear about the cheese factory explosion in France?
All that was left was de Brie.
Got my dad with this one
Currently staying at a hotel with my dad. Next to the parking lot there’s a sign that says “pet grounds”, pointing to where you can walk your dog. My dad reads it aloud, “pet grounds”, so I say “alright then”. I crouched down, pet the grass a little bit and said, “good grounds”. Got a good laugh out of it.
Did you hear the meh French woodworking tourism slogan?
Come see, come saw
How do cells multiply?
By dividing.
Teach a man a joke, and he will laugh for a day.
Teach a redditor a joke, and they will repost it for a lifetime. It's cake and y'all know the rules!
Give a man a gun and he’ll rob a bank.
Give a man a bank and he'll rob the world.
I saw my wife using her phone to record her getting a haircut.
I think she’s planning to watch the highlights later.
I didn’t realize my dad used to steal board-games from the toy store.
But when I look back now, all the Clues added up.
I just got banned from /r/fashion
Apparently they didn't like my threads
Is it okay to peek into your neighbor’s house if you are still technically in your own property?
Personally I’m on the fence.
Why can’t bicycles stand on their own?
Because they’re two tired