Hey Trump supporters, can I tell you a joke about the wall?
Never mind, you won’t get it.
COP: Where were you the night of the murder?
CROW: I was with a group of friends COP: What would you call that group? CROW: …I want a lawyer
I always carry a stone with me to throw at people who sing Christmas songs in October.
I call it my jingle bell rock.
Anyone hear about the transsexual lion that became a vegetarian?
He was a her before.
Two male deer walk out of a gay bar…
One says to the other "I can't believe I just blew 20 bucks!"
All the comic books I inherited from my brother have their last page ripped off.
I have to draw my own conclusions.
I played “My Heart Will Go On” on a public piano and people yelled at me.
Can't wait till this cruise is over.
My brother said, “What rhymes with Orange”
I told him no it doesn’t
If I had a dollar for every time I got distracted
I wish I had a pony.
Today, I accidentally played dad instead of dead when a bear was running at me.
He can now ride a bike without training wheels.
What did daddy spider say to baby spider?
You spend too much time on the web
I told my wife she drew her eyebrows too high….
She looked surprised…
Why was the Genie angry?
Because someone rubbed him the wrong way.
“Anything these days,” I told my son.
He frowned a little. "What's that?" he asked. "Anything these days," I said. "Huh?" he asked. "Anything these days," I said. "I don't understand. Explain?" he asked. "Anything these days," I said. He sighed loudly. "Are you crazy, dad?" he asked. "Anything these days," I said. "Dad, snap out of it. What's going on?" he asked. "Anything these days," I said. "Dad! Dad! Come on. Tell me what you mean?" he asked. There was a pause. "Anything these days," I continued. At this point he was enraged and yelled, "Jesus Christ, I've had enough of this nonsense. What on Earth are you doing? Have you lost your mind? Jees. You're driving me insane!" There was a silence. "This is the world we live in," I concluded. "You can't say anything these days without offending someone."
What do you call 5 black guys having sex in 1789?
A threesome.
I warned my daughter about using her whistle inside the house today and gave her one last chance…
Unfortunately, she blew it…
Another character unlocked
Another character unlocked
A politician uses statistics like a drunk uses a street light.
For support, rather than illumination.
My wife asked me “Why don’t you treat me like you did when we were first dating ?”
So I took her to dinner, then a movie and dropped her off at her parents' house
What’s worse than the doctor putting his hand on your shoulder during a prostate exam?
The doctor putting two hands on your shoulders during a prostate exam.
In the Harry Potter books, Sirius Black is in his early 30’s,
… but in the movies, he look like an Oldman.
As I handed my Dad his 47th birthday card, he looked at me with tears in his eyes and said,
"You know, one would have been enough."
Did you hear Mike Tyson was just arrested for nearly beating a Pizza Hut waitress to death?
As he was finishing eating, she asked "Hey, mister, you wanna box for the rest of your pizza?"
Man asks the Waitress: “Excuse me, can I ask you something about the menu please?”
The waitress slaps his face and answers really pissed: "The men I please are none of your damn business!"
A drill sergeant ran his platoon of recruits all over the camp in the hot sun with heavy packs on.
As they stood there, exhausted, he put his face up to one of the recruit's face and said, "I'll bet you're wishing I would die so you could come and urinate on my grave, aren't you?" And the recruit says, "No, sir! When I get out of the army I'm never gonna stand in another line again!"
When does a joke become a dad joke?
When the punchline’s a motherf*cker.
I showed up late to the Kleptomaniacs Anonymous meeting.
Needless to say, all the seats were already taken.
The doctor told me I’m colorblind
Yeah. It really came out of the purple.
Three guys get stranded on an island where a cannibal tribe lives.
The tribe tells each of them that they’ll let them live if they each go find 10 fruits each, so the guys split up to go find some fruits. The 1st guy comes back with apples and then the cannibal tribe tells him another part to the deal. “You have to put all ten up your butt without making a noise or we’ll execute you.” The man had no choice, so he starts putting the apples up his buy and gets to 4 before the pain is too much and he screams. The tribe executed him. The 2nd guy comes back with berries. They tell him the same thing. He gets to 9 and is about to put the 10th in when he starts laughing hysterically. Executed. The 1st and the 2nd guy are in the afterlife talking. The 1st says to the 2nd, “Why’d you laugh? You were so close?” And the 2nd guy says “Well, I saw the third and he had pineapples.”
Who keeps the children
A man and his young wife were in divorce court, but the custody of their children posed a problem. The mother gets up and says to the judge that since she brought the children into this world, she should retain custody of them. The man also wanted custody of his children, so the judge asked for his justification. After a long silence, the man slowly rose from his chair and replied, "Your Honor, when I put a dollar in a vending machine and a soda comes out, who does the soda belong to… me or the machine?"