Hi im mick and i guess you could say im an odd duckling
What concert cost 45¢
50¢ ft. Nickelback.
What do you call a nervous javelin thrower?
Shakespeare.
My family treats me as though I’m a god…
…ignoring my existence until they need something.
Did you hear about McDonald’s trying to get into the steakhouse market?
It was a big McSteak.
To the hacker who hacked into my reddit account, I will find you.
(Edit: no, you won’t)
My boss just appointed me as his sexual consultant.
He said, “When I want your fucking advice, I’ll ask for it.”
Sharks have a party in the toilet
No text found
I really hope this whole COVID-19 thing gets cleared up before tick season
Because then we’d have corona with Lyme
Today at the bank, an old lady asked me to help check her balance.
So I pushed her over.
How many Brexiteers does it take to change a lightbulb?
Only two: One to promise a bright future and another one to screw it up.
So I made a graph of all my past relationships…
It has an ex axis and a why axis. Edit: Thanks for the silver!!
A magician escaped a police car chase by entering a neighborhood…
And turning into a driveway.
In Las Vegas people can tithe by dropping casino chips into the offertory.
And at the end of each weekend, there is a Brother that goes around to all the casinos to cash them out and make a deposit. He's the Chip Monk.
An alcoholic law student walks into a bar . . .
He regretted not passing the bar.
Donald Trump – “I’m not orange!”
“Impeach.”
How many redittors does it take to change a lightbulb?
1 to change the light bulb and to post that the light bulb has been changed. 14 to share similar experiences of changing light bulbs and how the light bulb could have been changed differently. 7 to caution about the dangers of changing light bulbs. 17 purists who use candles and are offended by light bulb discussions. 6 to argue over whether it's 'lightbulb' or 'light bulb.' Another 6 to condemn those 6 as stupid. 22 to tell THOSE 6 to stop being jerks. 2 industry professionals to inform the group that the proper term is 'lamp.' 15 know-it-alls who claim they were in the industry, and that 'light bulb' is perfectly correct. 49 to post memes and gifs (several are of Michael Jackson eating popcorn). 19 to post that this page is not about light bulbs and to please take this discussion to a light bulb page. 11 to defend the posting to this page saying that we all use light bulbs and therefore the posts are relevant here. 24 to discuss the merits of LED/swirly fluorescent light bulbs. 44 to claim LED and fluorescent bulbs will kill you. 12 to post F. 8 to ask what F means. 36 People to post pics of their own light bulbs. 15 People to post "I can't see S$%!" and use their own light bulbs. 6 to report the post or PM an admin because someone said "f÷×$" 4 to say "Didn't we go through this already a short time ago?". 13 to say "Do a search on light bulbs before posting questions about light bulbs." 1 to bring politics into the discussion by adding that (insert politician of choice) isn't the brightest bulb. This usually takes place within the first three comments. 50 more to get into personal attacks over their political views. 5 admins to ban the light bulb posters who took it all too seriously. 1 late arrival to comment on the original post 6 months later and start it all over again.
When it comes to nudist contests…
I barely qualify.
My half-brother is 6’5
Jeez, imagine if he were a full brother
Poop jokes aren’t my favorite
But they're a solid #2
My girlfriend said that quilts are better than duvets..
I told her she should be careful making blanket statements like that.
I ordered a chicken and an egg from Amazon Fresh.
I’ll let you know.
Dads are like boomerangs.
I hope…
A man is washing his car with his son. The son says…
Why can’t you just use a sponge?
What do you call a car that’s covered in leaves?
An Autumnobile
“I can’t believe that you’ve been visiting prostitutes for sex,” my wife screamed at me. “I’m really disappointed.”
“You can hardly blame me,” I answered. “It’s not like I was getting any from you.” “Well that’s your fault,” she replied. “You never told me you were willing to pay for it.”
Stolen, but proves that Boomers have become self aware, their humour knows no bounds…
https://ift.tt/3e90SO3
A very old joke called, “Why Worry?”
Why Worry? In life, there are really only two things to worry about. Either you are well, or you are sick. If you are well, there's nothing to worry about. If you are sick, there are two things to worry about. Either you get better, or you die. If you get better, there's nothing to worry about. If you die, there are two things to worry about. Going to Heaven, or going to Hell. If you go to Heaven, there's nothing to worry about. If you go to Hell, you'll be so busy shaking hands with all your friends that you won't have time to worry…so why worry?
I broke my finger yesterday…
… on the other hand, I'm okay.
Whoever coined the phrase “dad-bod” missed a golden opportunity…
Should've called it "the Father-figure"
I have mixed views on immigration.
I'm foreign against it.
You know what I hate about cliffhangers?
Find out next week on r/jokes
To be frank,
I'd have to change my name