Hidden gem on amazon website
Me: "That's because it transports money going through withdrawals." She hated that one so much I nearly wept with joy.
Did you know cannibals don’t exist anymore… I ate the last one yesterday
I set the comp password to ‘Homework1st’ my daughter was getting frustrated that every time she asked what I changed it to, I answered. She did every piece of work, including corrections. Then I wrote it down.
So he calls an animal trapper and explains the situation. The trapper says he'll be right over. About an hour later, the trapper rolls up in a huge pickup truck with a large metal cage in the bed. He gets out of the truck followed by a tough looking pitbull. The dog looks pretty beat up, with a torn ear, a jagged pink scar running down its side, and what appears to be a chunk of its lip missing. The guy looks nervously at the dog. "So, what's the plan?" he says, shaking the trapper's hand. "Pretty simple, actually," the trapper says as he unloads a ladder. "I climb up onto the roof, knock the bear to the ground. Then Trigger here grabs the bear by the balls and drags it to the cage. The bear will go in to get away from the dog, the cage door will snap shut, and we're done." The guy looks dubiously from the dog to the bear to the cage. The trapper then pulls a shotgun out of a holster in the back of the truck and hands it to the guy. "Wait, what's the shotgun for?" the guy asks. "Simple. When I climb the roof, if the bear knocks me off, shoot the fucking dog."
but with extra steps!
Anyone can learn to roast beef.
Throw a rock at it. If he runs it's a male. If she runs it's a female.
I would tell you, but it’s a little condescending.
Because they're good at it
for the first time ever, I'm hoping you all say "I didn't get it"
i really hope it's Jerry, he's cute
but apparently it just changes the color of the baby.
A man walks into a pet shop, goes to the clerk and states that he would like to buy a parrot. The clerk responds, "ah exellent! We happen to have three excellent parrots in stock right now. This lovely one here goes for $10,000." Startled the man remarks that this seams like a high price for a bird. "Well you see this is a special parrot, it can answer the phone and make appointments for you." The man is very impressed by this but decides to look at the other two as well. "This one here goes for $20,000 since it is excellent at sales and will actually make money for you." Astounded at the skills of these birds the man can hardly wait to find out about the final parrot. "Lastly this parrot is priced at $50,000." The man is practically knocked over by this outlandish price and asks what it does that could possibly make it worth so much money. "I don't know but the other two call it boss."
Be tall, it's much better.
When I open it, it makes me cry.
…for complete cavity protection…
Because it keeps getting fired
Replace the t with an i.
Milk production at a dairy farm was low, so the farmer wrote to the local university, asking for help from academia.
A multidisciplinary team of professors was assembled, headed by a theoretical physicist, and two weeks of intensive on-site investigation took place. The scholars then returned to the university, notebooks crammed with data, where the task of writing the report was left to the team leader. Shortly thereafter the physicist returned to the farm, saying to the farmer, "I have the solution, but it works only in the case of spherical cows in a vacuum".
But my girlfriend keeps insisting it says dyslexia
Add a nipple to it.
Lovely woman, useless surgeon…
…but I can't even finish drinking the hot bath…
One of them turns to the other and says "How do you drive this thing?"
Same middle name
But it turned out to be a mirage sale.
"I'm going to become a vegan". The other one says "me too" The 1st one says " you do realise we have totally fucked up this joke now it won't be funny " The other one says "yeh well that's vegans for you"
They were already stuffed!
Bartender asks “What would you like, Mr. President?”
I don’t know what to make of it.
"Don't do it! You have so much potential!"