Hidden Valley
Wind
Nature’s biggest fan
They say to never go shopping for food when you’re hungry
but it's been a week already and I keep getting hungrier and hungrier.
Trump’s being driven through a backroad out to the White House…
Trump’s being driven through a backroad out to the White House one night when suddenly, the car lurches to a halt. The driver explains that a pig from a nearby farm wandered onto the road and he hit it. Trump is a bit annoyed, but tells the driver, "Just go to their house, tell them you're my driver, and apologize." A while later, the man returns, seeming incredibly satisfied. Trump asks how the family reacted, but the driver said they seemed in good spirits and even gave him some of their dinner. Back on the road, the driver hits another pig that wandered onto the road. He goes and tells the farmer's family, but when he comes back, he says the family was overjoyed and gave him a bottle of liquor. The driver hits a third pig that was on the road, but this time, Trump secretly follows him to see why the people would be so happy. When the farmer comes to the door, the driver announces, "I'm President Trump’s driver, the pig is dead!"
People wonder why I call my toilet “the Jim” instead of “the John.”
I do it so I can say “I go to the Jim first thing every morning.”
A human asks a mermaid why she wears seashells
Mermaid: I grew out of my B-shells
Why is “Dark” spelled with a K, and not a C?
Because you can't C in the Dark.
Why do pirates love Reddit?
It's the best place to exchange stolen content for gold.
Believing only 12.5% of the Bible
Makes you an eighth theist.
What’s green?
What's green and has wheels? Grass.. I was lying about the wheels
When I noticed “HI” in the alphabet, I thought someone was actually going to be my friend…
Then I saw the next two letters…
I asked my wife to dress up as my favourite Star Wars character for some sexy birthday fun
I walked into the bedroom that night and I was shocked, "Babes, Jabba the Hutt is not my favourite Star Wars character" I exclaimed, "Fuck you asshole" She shouted "I haven't got dressed yet"
I stopped being breastfed at 3
But enough about my day, how was yours?
Tom’s scrotum
The pastor asked if anyone in the congregation would like to express praise for answered prayers. Suzie Smith stood and walked to the podium. She said, "I have a praise. Two months ago, my husband, Tom, had a terrible bicycle wreck and his scrotum was completely crushed. The pain was excruciating and the doctors didn't know if they could help him." (You could hear a muffled gasp from the men in the congregation as they imagine the pain that poor Tom must have experienced.) "Tom was unable to hold me or the children," she went on, "and every move caused him terrible pain." We prayed as the doctors performed a delicate operation, and it turned out they were able to piece together the crushed remnants of Tom's scrotum, and wrap wire around it to hold it in place." (Again, the men in the congregation cringed and squirm uncomfortably as they imagined the horrible surgery performed on Tom.) "Now," she announced in a quivering voice, "thank the Lord, Tom is out of the hospital and the doctors say that with time, his scrotum should recover completely." (All the men sighed with unified relief.) The pastor rose and tentatively asked if anyone else had something to say. A man slowly stood up and walked just as slowly to the podium. He said, "I'm Tom Smith." The entire congregation held its breath. "I just want to tell my wife — the word is sternum."
When you die, which part of your body is the last to die?
Pupils. They dilate.
An infinite number of mathematicians walk into a bar
The first mathematician orders a beer The second orders half a beer "I don't serve half-beers" the bartender replies "Excuse me?" Asks mathematician #2 "What kind of bar serves half-beers?" The bartender remarks. "That's ridiculous." "Oh c'mon" says mathematician #1 "do you know how hard it is to collect an infinite number of us? Just play along" "There are very strict laws on how I can serve drinks. I couldn't serve you half a beer even if I wanted to." "But that's not a problem" mathematician #3 chimes in "at the end of the joke you serve us a whole number of beers. You see, when you take the sum of a continuously halving function-" "I know how limits work" interjects the bartender "Oh, alright then. I didn't want to assume a bartender would be familiar with such advanced mathematics" "Are you kidding me?" The bartender replies, "you learn limits in like, 9th grade! What kind of mathematician thinks limits are advanced mathematics?" "HE'S ON TO US" mathematician #1 screeches Simultaneously, every mathematician opens their mouth and out pours a cloud of multicolored mosquitoes. Each mathematician is bellowing insects of a different shade. The mosquitoes form into a singular, polychromatic swarm. "FOOLS" it booms in unison, "I WILL INFECT EVERY BEING ON THIS PATHETIC PLANET WITH MALARIA" The bartender stands fearless against the technicolor hoard. "But wait" he inturrupts, thinking fast, "if you do that, politicians will use the catastrophe as an excuse to implement free healthcare. Think of how much that will hurt the taxpayers!" The mosquitoes fall silent for a brief moment. "My God, you're right. We didn't think about the economy! Very well, we will not attack this dimension. FOR THE TAXPAYERS!" and with that, they vanish. A nearby barfly stumbles over to the bartender. "How did you know that that would work?" "It's simple really" the bartender says. "I saw that the vectors formed a gradient, and therefore must be conservative."
How were people born?
A child asked his father, "How were people born?" So his father said, "Adam and Eve made babies, then their babies became adults and made babies, and so on." The child then went to his mother, asked her the same question and she told him, "We were monkeys then we evolved to become like we are now." The child ran back to his father and said, "You lied to me!" His father replied, "No, your mom was talking about her side of the family."
My wife just told me she has the body of a teenager.
I guess she found out about me and the babysitter.
A friend got mad at me for smelling his sister’s underwear.
I don't know if it was because she was still wearingthem or because the rest of the family was there. Either way it made the rest of the funeral very awkward.
My son asked me for $100 in bitcoins.
I said, "$9 in bitcoins, why would you want $67 in bitcoins?"
Tell a woman she’s beautiful a hundred times and she won’t believe you.
Tell a woman she’s fat once and she will remember it for the rest of her life because elephants never forget.
Why did the barber win the race?
He took a short cut.
What do you get if you cross a sheep dog with a daisy?
A Collie-flower!
I remember being a kid and my parents filling my head with nonsense, like Santa, the Easter bunny, and the Tooth Fairy.
Well now that I’m older I don’t fall for that rubbish anymore, thank God.
What do you call a snake that is 3.14 meters long
A pithon Happy pi day
I have a friend from Prague who I play chess with.
He is my Czech mate.
A century ago, two brothers claimed it was possible to fly
They were Wright
What is the least spoken language in the world?
Sign Language
Welcome to plastic surgery addicts anonymous…
… I see a lot of new faces tonight, which is disappointing.
Some people aren’t shaking hands because of the Coronavirus.
I'm not shaking hands because everyone is out of toilet paper.
Why is everyone so tired on April 1st?
The just went through a grueling 31 day March.
The secret service isn’t allowed to yell “Get down!” anymore when the president is about to be attacked.
Now they have to yell, “Donald, duck!”
I was just diagnosed with color blindness…
… it came completely out of the purple.
Babies Drinking beer. So funny!!! If your baby didn’t drink beer then YOU’RE A SISSY
https://ift.tt/3cqErSG