High effort aquameme
Bartender job description
Basically you’re a pharmacist with a limited inventory.
My social life is like the square root of -100
A solid 10, but also imaginary.
A nurse, a doctor, and an anti-vaxxer walked into a bar.
A nurse, a doctor, and an anti-vaxxer walk into a bar. The nurse sits down and says, “I’ll have a shot of tequila!” The doctor sits next to her and says, “Give me a shot of whiskey!” The bartender turns to the anti-vaxxer, "and what are you having?". The anti-vaxxer responds, "no shots for me", then dies from polio.
Why couldn’t the number 3 cross the border?
No trespassing
My wife screamed in pain during labour so I asked, “What’s wrong?”. She screamed. “These contractions are going to kill me!!”
"I am sorry, honey." I replied. "What is wrong?"
My family and friends all laughed when I told them that one day, I would discover the secrets of invisibility…
If only they could see me now…
Why don’t you breed an eel with an eagle?
It’s Eeleagle
How do you tell the difference between someone from Dubai and someone from Abu Dhabi?
People from Dubai don't like the Flintstones. People from Abu Dhabi do.
I used to sell security alarms door to door, and I was really good at it.
If no one was home, I would just leave a brochure on the kitchen table.
What rhymes with orange
No it doesn’t.
Chewbacca crashed the Millenium Falcon the first time he flew it.
Wookiee mistake.
Slightly peeved that the makers of the shampoo, “Head and Shoulders”…
…have not followed up with a bodywash called, "Knees and toes."
Tried calling the tinnitus helpline…
But it just kept ringing.
What is an opinion without 3.14?
An onion.
I’m bad at two things: telling jokes, and not getting angry while waiting in queue at orgies…
But I keep punching up the fuck line.
Never get in a fight with a T-rex.
You'll get jurasskicked..
What’s the difference between me and cancer?
My dad didn’t beat cancer
A man stood in the plane and shouted “Hijack”…
All the passengers got scared…. Then from the other side of the plane a guy shouted back…"Hey Dave".
I accidentally clicked on a pop-up link that said, “Free Justin Bieber tickets inside!”
Thankfully it was just a virus.
The boomer who shared this made sure to let everyone know that the mechanic was his favorite
https://ift.tt/2Xp5fyC
My son is such anungrateful piece of shit.
I bought him a trampoline for his birthday but all he wants to do is sit in his wheelchair and cry.
A child asked his dad,” how are coins made”.
The dad said," They are made at a mint with a press". Then the child responded," That makes cents".
We’re bringing back Memeless Mondays!
A few months ago, we tried out a concept known as “Memeless Mondays”, where, you guessed it, (most) memes are prohibited every Monday. Specifically:For the duration of this day, all image jokes must only use OC meme templates or not use any template at all (i.e. not be a meme).We won’t check for OC very thoroughly – if it can’t be found with a quick Google search for keywords, or isn’t an edit of an easily googlable template, you’re probably okay.All posts made which break the above criterion will be removed; no strikes will be administered for this violation.Response to this was generally very positive, and allowed higher quality content to shine once a week. The only reason for its abandonment was lack of available moderation – we have that now, so it’s coming back!It’s been a while, so if you have any concerns or suggestions regarding MM, leave them below. Otherwise, see you Monday.
I saw Santa following me around in the mall, and I asked him why.
He said, “Christmas stalking.”
My wife said she’d leave me if I didn’t stop talking in clickbait.
What happened next will shock you!
Why couldn’t the keyboard sleep?
Because it has 2 shifts.
Do you know 1 Comment 1 Upvote will empower your body and you will able to fly in the future
Do you know 1 Comment 1 Upvote will empower your body and you will able to fly in the future
Why is the paper glowing?
Because the paper is light.
My wife and I don’t want any kids
My kids are upset about that decision.
What has six wheels and flies?
A garbage truck
What’s an extreme sport?
Doing your homework while the teacher is marking it
People ask me where I store all my dad jokes.
In a dad-a-base
Why do people love whiteboards so much?
They're just remarkable
People say I have a dad-bod
I prefer to think of it as a father figure.
How do you find Will Smith in the snow?
Look for Fresh Prints.
What drug is illegal in the ocean
Sea weed
A big city doctor visits an Native American tribe full of men and he asks “How do you guys relieve your sexual tension?”
"Simple, just come down to the river tomorrow and we'll show you." The next day the doctor shows up and sees a group of men near a donkey. One man says "Since you're our guest you get to go first." The doctor not wanting to go against custom starts to kiss, then proceeds to have sex with the donkey. Then a man in the group asks "Are you almost done Doc? We need the donkey to cross the river in order to get to the tribe of women."
Why is getting broken up with like doing algebra?
You've got an ex, and you're trying to figure out why.
I was driving with my dad when we passed a cemetery. My dad goes in a low, dark, creepy voice, “I know something about this cemetery that you don’t.” And I was like what is it? He continued, “The people living in this town can’t be buried here.” I was really confused so I asked why?
He rasped, "Cuz they’re still alive!"
