High fives after 2020
Which Witcher knows the answers to all questions?
Geralt of Trivia
[At the wedding] Priest: Repeat after me…
Groom: After me.. Priest, looking at bride: Is he serious? Bride: No, his name is Mike.
What do you call a bacterial disease caused by two grizzlies ?
Twobearculousis
People are so sensitive now-a-days.
People are so sensitive now-a-days. You can’t even say “black paint.” Instead you gotta say,” Jamal, will you please paint the fence?”
A woman gets new jeans and asks her husband if they make her look fat
Husband: Alright, I'll tell you the truth… But, you have to promise not to get angry no matter what I say Wife: I promise Husband: I'm fucking your sister
Mum said I would never be able to make a bicycle out of spaghetti
Well I did, and you should’ve seen her face when I rode pasta
If there’s a bee in my hand, what’s in my eye?
Beauty. Beauty is in the eye of the beholder.
What did the left eye say to the right eye?
"Between you and me, something smells" (Credit to a 9 y.o. I thought it was funny)
Having gay parents must be horrible
You either get twice the usual amount of dad jokes or get stuck in an infinite loop of "go ask your mom"
I want to hear 99 people sing ‘Africa’ by Toto.
It’s something that a hundred men or more could never do.
What did one plate say to the other?
Lunch is on me
I showed my damaged luggage to a lawyer, and said, “I want to sue the airline!”
The lawyer said, “You don’t have much of a case.”
Sure, we can do something about climate change now, but if we find out in 50 years that the researchers made a mistake and that climate change doesn’t really exist…
…we would have improved air quality in all major cities, gotten rid of noisy and smelly cars, cleaned up toxic rivers and destroyed dictatorships funded on money from oil for no reason.
I took a video of my shoe yesterday.
It was some pretty good footage
Walking to work one day, a woman asked me what was the quickest way to the hospital
So I pushed her under a bus
I asked, “Dad, can you tell me what a solar eclipse is?”
He replied, “No sun.”
What do you call a T-Rex that can fly
A Dino-soar
I would avoid the sushi if I were you
it seems a little fishy
My wife and I were talking about people owning strange animals and she said, “I’ve always wanted to get a manatee.”
I said, “Thank you very much, I’ll have it with milk and two sugars please.”
I’m bald and im going to get a head tattoo of multiple rabbits
So from a distance it looks like hares
This one time, all the rooms in a hotel were booked. But then comes this one guy, who asks for a room, in the same hotel, and gets one easily.
Because his name was Improvement. And there's always room for improvement.
My girlfriend wants me to choose between her and my career as a reporter.
I have some breaking news for her.
What is the difference between a cult and a religion?
In a cult, there is a person that knows that all of it is bullshit but in a religion, that person is long dead.
In an elementary school English class, kids are learning the word “contagious”. Teacher calls on students, asking them to use it in a sentence.
“Susan?” “I had a flu and mommy made me stay home for 3 days because I was contagious!” “Very good. What about you, Johnny?” “Our neighbor Mrs. Henderson has started painting her fence last night, daddy says it’s gonna take the contagious!”
What does a robot do after sex?
It nuts and bolts
A joke from my daughter: Where does a tongue go to drop off its old clothes?
The Salivation Army
My job is to drill holes in things and then bolt them together…
At first it’s boring, but later on, it’s riveting…
Alcoholic snails.
Must have a hard time sneaking out to the pub without the wife noticing.
A heartless drill instructor screamed at his platoon for over an hour.
He got in the face of a private and yelled, “I bet when I die you’ll show up at my grave and spit on it!” “Not me,” the private said. “After I get out of the army I’m never standing in a line again.”
I can sympathize with batteries.
I never get included in anything either.
I scared the postman today by going to the door completely naked.
I'm not sure what scared him more. My naked body or the fact I knew where he lived
My girlfriend makes me want to become a better person.
Mostly so I can get a better girlfriend.