High grades
The son comes to his father: "Dad, I got a 7.5 on my test" "Congratulations son! In which test?" "Breathalyzer. And they kept your car…"
Just spent $300 on a limousine and discovered that the fee doesn’t include a driver.
Can't believe I've spent all that money and I have nothing to chauffeur it…
On her wedding day, the mother of the bride has a talk with her daughter.
"Sweetheart," says she, "your husband-to-be is a great catch. Handsome, kind, and rich. But he's Greek. And you need to know something about Greek men in the bedroom. There will come a day, maybe soon maybe not, but the time will come when, during intimacy, he'll ask you to "roll over." When that happens, don't say another word to him. Just come straight home to me." The daughter promises that she will do as her mother asks. But she's nervous about it. The wedding goes forward without a hitch, and so does the honeymoon. The couple gets on fabulously together, in the bedroom and out. When they get home, the marital bliss continues, and the young bride discovers that she has quite a sex drive. She initiates sex even more frequently than her husband. And the bride's mother's warning never becomes relevant. On the couple's first anniversary, they have a fantastic, romantic night out. And when they get home, the have sex for a solid three hours straight. After all that, the husband leans over and whispers in his wife's ear "honey, roll over for me." The woman bursts into hysterical tears. She jumps out of bed, and begins to pack her bags. "I'm going home to my mother," she wails. "Honey, what's wrong," her husband begs. "Let me fix it," he says. "My mother warned me about yiu on our wedding day! She told me that one day you would ask me to "roll over." "Of course, darling," the man replies. "But don't you ever want to have a baby???"
A pregnant woman walks into a bank being robbed,
She tried to call the cops and got shot in the stomach three times. Luckily, all her children were safe. 15 years later, one of her daughters came up to her and said, "Mom, I was peeing and a bullet came out." So, she told her daughter the story. Then, her other daughter walked into the room and she said, "Mom, I was peeing and a bullet came out." So, she told her daughter the story. Finally, her son came in and she assumed she knew what he was going to say, "Let me guess, you were peeing and a bullet came out?" The son replied, "No, what? I was masturbating and I shot the dog."
How does Jesus make tea?
He brews it
Damn girl are you a reddit user?
Because you give me the same fucking shit, day after day!
Why did the rapper get gold teeth?
He wanted to put his money where his mouth is
Two old men are sitting on the deck of a cruise ship. The first one asks, βHave you read Marx?β
The other one replies, βYes. I believe that comes from sitting on these wicker chairs.β
Underage drinking is a massive problem in my house.
My son's been drinking whisky that's only aged for two years. He's the dumbest thirteen-year-old I've ever met.
How do you clickbait someone?
No text found
What do you call a psychic midget who escaped from jail?
A small medium at large
I broke my finger at work today…
On the other hand, everything is OK
Rewatching the first season of Survivor, and I felt this.
Rewatching the first season of Survivor, and I felt this.
Bilbo was surprised to wake up one morning and find a supermarket had been built in his garden.
It was an unexpected item in the Baggins area.
“No one under FBI investigation should be able to run for president!” – Trump, 2016
https://ift.tt/38wtaz4
My girlfriend gave me a handjob using Vaseline the other day.
I came three times in the shower trying to wash it off.
I downloaded all the music to the movie Titanic.
It's syncing now.
I went to the doctor…
I went to see the doctor the other day. Turns out my new doctor is a drop dead gorgeous brunette. I was embarrassed but she said βdonβt worry, Iβm a professional – Iβve seen it all before. Just tell me whatβs wrong and Iβll check it out.β I said βmy wife thinks my dick tastes funny.β
If a tree falls in the woods and nobody hears it
It means my illegal logging business is a success
A cowboy was captured by a tribe of Indians…
In the morning he was brought before their chief, who said "You invade our land white man, and we going to kill you. But, it is our tribe's custom to grant the condemned three wishes, one each morning for three days, before we kill you at sundown on the third day. So, white man, what do you want for your first wish?" "Just bring me my horse," the cowboy answered. They brought him his horse, he whispered in the horse's ear, slapped him on the butt and sent him off. That evening, the horse came back with a beautiful blonde woman riding. The cowboy went with her into a teepee, and the Indians grumbled "Typical white man, can only think of sex…" The next morning, the cowboy was brought to the chief again. "Today you get second wish, what should we do for you?" "Just bring me my horse." Again, the cowboy whispered to the horse and sent him off. That evening the horse returned with a redhead. As she and the cowboy entered the teepee, the Indians were facepalming again at the condemned white man who only wanted sex. On the third morning, the chief said "Well, white man, tonight at sundown you die. What do you want for your last wish?" "Just bring me my horse." With a sigh, the chief beckoned for the horse to be brought forth. The cowboy grabbed the horse's ear with both hands, and yelled into it: "POSSE! P-O-S-S-E!"
A dyslexic man walks into a bra
No text found
Why canβt a man starve in the desert?
Because of all of the sand which is there.
What’s funnier than the plague?
This week? Just about anything.
What did the cowboy say when he was reborn?
What incarnation?!
I’m one of the best barbers you’ll ever meet. The only thing I’m bad at is bleach highlights.
But that's just splitting hairs.
Elon Musk says he is going to pull Tesla out of California
Never trust a guy with 6 kids that says he is going to pull out
I told my wife she drew her eyebrows too high….
She looked surprised…
Sadly, I’ve lost 20% of my sight β¦
β¦ sigh
Did you hear about the two mummies who farted at the same time?
They had a toot in common. Kid loved it and Iβm proud of the original content
Queue is just one letter followed by four silent letters
They must be waiting for their turn.
A man walks into a bar with a piece of asphalt under his arm and asks the barman….
βCan I have a drink for me and one for the roadβ
I believe a lot of conflict in the Wild West could have been avoided completely…
…if cowboy architects had just made their towns big enough for everyone.
Trump and Obama getting haircut is same barbershop
Donald Trump and Barack Obama end up in the same barbershop As they sat there, each being worked on by a different barber, not a word was spoken. The barbers were even afraid to start a conversation, for fear that it would turn into politics. As the barbers finished their shaves, the one who had Trump in his chair reached for the aftershave. Trump was quick to stop him saying "No way buddy, my wife will smell that and think I've been in a damn whorehouse." The second barber turned to Obama and said "How about you?" Obama replied, "Go ahead, my wife doesn't know what the inside of a whorehouse smells like.
Where do you find a no-legged dog?
Right where you left him.