I’ll only be telling inside jokes
But my girlfriend keeps insisting it says dyslexia
That was the most violent book I've ever read.
Because they’re shellfish
He was done for possession of coke.
Because it was well armed.
Do they die hard?
I don't get it
Day 5(?) of wfh. My co-worker insists on ‘reviewing’ my code but also brought along an external consultant called Dilophosaurus that only speaks in roars. They keep making additions to the code that end up giving loads of compile errors, but then blame it all on me. Not productive at all.
They are afraid that social distancing measures may push people over the edge.
"But I never went to college." "Well then, I'm sorry. You are underqualified to work here."
Hold on, it's 900. Edit: No, wait, it's 500.
So I suggested Kay and Elle.
This is going to be one hell of a week.
Apparently the correct term is conjoined twins.
We can all legally leave.
No text found
On their wedding night, she told her new husband, "Please be gentle, I'm still a virgin." "What?" said the puzzled groom. "How can that be if you've been married 10 times?" "Well, Husband #1 was a sales representative. He kept telling me how great it was going to be. Husband #2 was in software services. He was never really sure how it was supposed to function, but he said he'd look into it and get back to me. Husband #3 was from field services. He said everything checked out diagnostically, but he just couldn't get the system up. Husband #4 was in telemarketing. Even though he knew he had the order, he didn't know when he would be able to deliver. Husband #5 was an engineer. He understood the basic process, but wanted three years to research, implement, and design a new state-of-the-art method. Husband #6 was from finance and administration. He thought he knew how, but he wasn't sure whether it was his job or not. Husband #7 was in marketing. Although he had a nice product, he was never sure how to position it. Husband #8 was a psychologist. All he ever did was talk about it. Husband #9 was a gynecologist. All he did was look at it. Husband #10 was a stamp collector. All he ever did was… God! I miss him! But now that I've married you, I'm really excited!" "Good," said the new husband, "but, why?" "You're a lawyer. This time I know I'm going to get screwed."
Ive got some big shoes to fill.
On Mars, Curiosity is driven by scientists.
On the one hand, you get to wear a pretty cool ring. On the other hand, you don’t.
"Well, you're half right."
I looked across the museum hall and spotted my ex girlfriend, but I was too self conscious to say hello.
There was just too much history between us.
It’s a four loaf cleaver
"What's wrong, honey?" her husband asks. "What's wrong?!?" the woman shouts, "THESE CONTRACTIONS ARE GOING TO BE THE DEATH OF ME!" "Sorry babe. What is wrong?"
Everything I eat goes to shit