High school teachers
People who rob jewelry stores and banks are pretty bad
But people who rob bakeries really take the cake.
The last words my grandma told my grandfather was “Sweetie, I’ll see you in heaven!”
Since then, grandpa has been kicking puppies and setting fire to orphanages.
Murphy’s law states that if something bad can happen, it will.
Cole's law is basically just cabbage.
I wrote a book about my love of punctuation.
The Comma Sutra.
A nihilist, a socialist, and a neo-marxist walk into a bar and order drinks.
"We don't sell alcohol to anyone under 18", says the bartender.
What do you call a dinosaur that takes good care of his teeth?
A floss-o-raptor
The guy who invented predictive text died last night…
his funfair is next monkey
A man goes to join an order of monks.
A man goes to join an order of monks. The head Monk says to the man "This is a silent order. You will only be allowed to speak once, every 15 years." The man says "Ok" and so begins his time with the silent order. 15 years pass and the man is sitting in the refectory when the head monk approaches and says to the man "It has been fifteen years. What would you like to say brother?". The man responds, "The porridge could do with a little more sugar." The head monk nods in acknowledgement and walks away. Another 15 years pass and the head monk finds the man in the dormitory and says "Brother, it has been another 15 years. What is it that you wish to say?". "The bed sheets are a bit thin." Replies the man. Again the head monk nods in acknowledgement. Yet another 15 years pass and the head monk sees the man and asks "15 years have passed. Have you anything to say?". "Well actually I've been thinking about it and I'm leaving the order. It's not really for me." says the man. "Yes, yes" sighs the head monk "I think that's for the best. You've done nothing but fucking complain since you got here."
Two friends are having a chat in a bar.
Chris: Hey can I borrow a ten? Kristen: sure. Christen: Thank you. Kris: Anytime.
Did you hear about the chameleon who couldn’t change colour?
He had a reptile dysfunction
Fire is destroying a world famous landmark in Paris right now.
And there’s notre dame thing they can do about it.
As an immigration officer, I may not always agree with your point of view..
But I can see where you are coming from.
Yesterday I got mugged by six dwarves
Not happy
I want to tell a joke about Nearly-Headless Nick.
But I'm afraid I won't execute it properly.
Did you hear cheese and meat sales have gone up in India?
Apparently there is a New Delhi.
A man’s car breaks down outside of a monastery.
A man is driving home from a buisness trip. As he has a pretty low paying job, he doesn't have the best of cars. After a few hours of driving, he drives past a monastery. Unfortunately his car breaks down right in front of the monastery. Being a man of God, he obviously figures, "I bet the monks will let me stay with them while my car is repaired." So he goes to the front gate and knocks on the door. A man in robes answers. He tells the monk his predicament and the monk, being a monk, lets him stay the night, and even helps with repair costs for his car. While the business man is sleeping that night, he hears this strange noise. It just perplexes him, and for the life of him, he can't figure out what it is. He decides when he wakes up in the morning, he'll ask the monks about it. When he wakes up, he finds the monk who he met when his car first broke down, and asks him, "Can you tell me what that noise I heard was last night?" The monk replies, "I'm sorry, brother. I cannot tell you, for you are not a monk." The man accepts this. He thanks the monks for their graciousness, and goes about his way when he gets his car back. 3 years later, he is driving on another business trip. And wouldn't you know it, his car breaks down in front of the monastery again. Again, he figures, he can stay the night. And, of course, the monks let him stay and offer him the same help as before. And once again, during the night, he hears that noise. He has no idea what it could be. He decides to ask the monk once again, with hopes that he would trust him more this time around. In the morning he meets the monk again, and asks, "I'm sorry for asking again, but what is that noise!?" The monk replies, "I cannot tell you, for you are not a monk." The man says, "Alright! I'll become a monk! What do I need to do!?" The monk replies, "I need you to travel the world, and count every blade of grass if you truly wish to become a monk." The man swiftly accepts and leaves all of his worldly possessions behind him to travel the world on this mission. He goes to all corners of the globe counting grass blades. After 50 years, he comes back to the monastery. He gives the monk accurate numbers and the monks give him monk-hood. And obviously, the first thing he wants to do is find out what that noise was. So he asks the head monk. The head monk beckons him to follow him and he does. After a few minutes of walking through corridors and rooms, they happen upon a wooden door. The man can hear the noise. He gets excited. The head monk hands him a brass key. He reaches with the key to the lock, and unlocks the door. There is another door though. This time iron. And the monk hands him an iron key. This happens again and again. So many types of doors and keys. Every thing you could imagine. Glass doors, gold doors. Everything Finally, they get to a door made of solid diamond. The noise is louder than ever. The monk hands the man the final key. He opens the door and finally sees what has been making the noise. But I can't tell you what it is, because you aren't a monk.
My friend went completely bald years ago, but he still carries a comb with him.
He just can’t part with it.
Asked my mum “How much is a couple?” “2 or 3” she replied.
…probably explains why her marriage collapsed
Every 52 seconds a man in London is stabbed.
Poor bastard.
Today I learned: The writer Stephen King has a son named Joe.
I'm not joking, but he is.
So my twin brother called me from prison
He said, "So you know how we finish each others' sentences?"
People are offended by the smallest things these days
So please keep your dick in your pants
I was driving with my dad when we passed a cemetery. My dad goes in a low, dark, creepy voice, “I know something about this cemetery that you don’t.” And I was like what is it? He continued, “The people living in this town can’t be buried here.” I was really confused so I asked why?
He rasped, "Cuz they’re still alive!"
My flat-earther friend decided to walk to the end of the world to prove it is flat.
In the end, he came around.
Aragorn, Boromir, Legolas, and Gandalf walk into a bar
Gimli and the Hobbits are short and walk under it.
To the man in the wheelchair who stole my camo jacket.
You can hide but you cant run
Well… Well… Well…
If it isn't 3 holes in the ground…
My friend claims that he “accidentally” glued himself to his autobiography, but I don’t believe him.
But that’s his story, and he’s sticking to it.
I just noticed…….
I just noticed two large bumps on my car battery. Had them tested and one came back positive. Hope it's not terminal.
I buy my guns from a T-Rex.
He's a small arms dealer.
Why are monks so good at protesting?
The more ohms you have, the greater the resistance…
What do you call a tired skeleton?
The Grim Sleeper
Went to a club with the wife and there was a guy on the dance floor going mental – twerking, breakdancing, spinning, moonwalking, back flips, the whole lot . My wife turned to me and said, “See that guy? 25 years ago he proposed to me and I turned him down.”
I said, "By the looks of it, he’s still fucking celebrating!”
Why is Sunday stronger than Monday?
Because Monday is a weekday…
WHAT DO WE WANT??! RACE CAR NOISES!!! WHEN DO WE WANT THEM?!!
Neeeeeeooooooowwwwww
A duck is standing next to a busy road, cars zooming past while he waits for a break in traffic.
A chicken walks up to him and says "Don't do it, man you'll never hear the end of it.