High-value target protection
A man is driving along a dusty old back road when he sees a sign that says, “Sisters of Mercy House of Prostitution.”
A man is driving along a dusty old back road when he sees a sign that says, "Sisters of Mercy House of Prostitution." Barely believing his eyes, he turns into an old truck stop – and sure enough – there's a big neon sign that says "Sisters of Mercy House of Prostitution." He knocks and a wizened old nun opens the door. "$50 bucks to get fucked in here," she says. The man forks over the money and runs inside. He goes down a long hallway and comes to another door. He knocks and a moderately attractive nun answers. "$100 to get fucked by the Sisters of Mercy, friend." He hands over the cash, runs through the door, down another hallway, and knocks on the door at the end. A stunningly beautiful nun opens the door and says, "$500, best fucking of your life, just through here." The man hands over the money, runs through the door and finds himself outside. The door slams shut behind him, and above the door he sees a sign. "You have just been fucked by the Sisters of Mercy House of Prostitution."
I always knew he liked them young, but that is fucking ridiculous.
50 Cents featuring Nickel back
My boss asked “What companies? “ I answered; "Gas, water and electricity."
They bring delight. My 7-year-old son told me this at the breakfast table this morning. He is going to be a great dad one day.
Somehow the bastard found out and killed my dad.
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No Son, have you seen my dadglasses?
Until it hits your stomach then it all turns to shit
But in reality it's because I want someone to shoot her mother with a hunting rifle
Several days go by, and he receives a call from the doctor. The doctor tells him, “Due to an unfortunate mixup with the lab, we are not sure of your wife has Covid-19 or Alzheimer’ The man, clearly frustrated, asks, “Well what am I supposed to do with that kind of information?” The doctor calmly suggests, “I recommend you take her for a very long walk and leave her. If she comes home, don’t let her in.”
A man was driving down the road when a policeman stopped him. The officer looked in the back of the man’s truck and said, “Why are these penguins in your truck?”
The man replied, “These are my penguins. They belong to me.” “You need to take them to the zoo,” the policeman said. The next day, the officer saw the same guy driving down the road. He pulled him over again. He saw the penguins were still in the truck, but they were wearing sunglasses this time. “I thought I told you to take these penguins to the zoo!” the officer said. “I did,” the man replied. “And today I’m taking them to the beach.”
Two boys are arguing when the teacher enters the classroom. The teacher says, “What are you two arguing about?”
One boy answers, “We found a ten-dollar bill and decided whoever tells the biggest lie gets to keep it.” “You two should be ashamed of yourselves,” said the teacher. “When I was your age, I didn’t even know what a lie was.” The boys looked at each other and handed the ten dollars to the teacher.
This is a reference to the Descartes quote "I think, therefore I am." But if I had explained that earlier, it would have been putting Descartes before the horse.
The lab tech says to him, "I'm sorry, sir, but there has been a bit of a mix-up and we have a problem. When we sent the samples from your wife to the lab, the samples from another Mrs. Smith were sent as well and we are now uncertain which one is your wife's. Frankly, that's either bad or terrible." "What do you mean?" "Well, one Mrs. Smith has tested positive for Alzheimer's disease and the other for AIDS. We can't tell which is your wife." "That's terrible! Can we do the test over?" asked Mr. Smith. "Normally, yes. But you have an HMO, and they won't pay for these expensive tests more than once." "Well, what am I supposed to do now?" "The HMO recommends that you drop your wife off in the middle of town. If she finds her way home, don't sleep with her."
There will be no coffin at his funeral.
It was an Apple, but with extremely limited memory. Just one byte. And then everything crashed.
The elephant of surprise.
He tries everything to change the bird's attitude and clean up its dirty language but nothing works. Finally, in a moment of desperation, he puts the parrot in the freezer. For a few moments he hears the bird squawking, kicking and screaming and then, suddenly, all is quiet. He opens the freezer door. The parrot flies out, lands on his perch, and says, "I'm sorry that I offended you with my language and actions. I ask for your forgiveness." The guy's astounded at the bird's change in attitude and was about to ask what changed him when the parrot continued, "By the way, may I ask – what did the chicken do?"
Because you can’t see in the dark
Knock, knock. Who's there? Spell. Spell who? Okay, W-H-O.
They’ve left no tern unstoned…
But so far I've made 3 vases and a jug.
Its literally made of hide.
The second time let me down
He had a mold problem
Pedro and Juanita are running a cantina in Mexico. One day Pedro having a siesta and Juanita is looking after the bar. One of the patrons is getting very drunk on tequila and he says "Hey Juanita, I want to kiss you all over your body." Juanita says "Pees off you peeg." So he carries on drinking and a while later he says "Hey Juanita, I want to feel your titties." Juanita says "Pees off you peeg." So he carries on drinking and a while later he says "Hey Juanita, I want to fill your pussy with ice cream and lick it all out." So Juanita storms up the stairs and wakes Pedro. She says "Pedro, Pedro there is a man in the cantina. He says he wants to kiss me all over my body." Pedro jumps off the bed and grabs his machete. He says "Where is he? I will cut him in half." Juanita says "That's not all, he says he wants to feel my titties." Pedro says "Where is he, I will cut in half twice." Juanita says "That's not all, he says he wants to fill my pussy with ice cream and eat it all out." Pedro looks disappointed, he puts the machete down and lies down on the bed again. Juanita says "Are you not going to cut him in half." Pedro says "No, any man that can eat that much ice cream is too big for me to fight with."
They have many fans.
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