Highlight of my life
My wife said “you have a terrible sense of direction,”
So I packed my stuff up and right
I can’t believe I fell asleep at the wheel.
I'm not hurt, but my pottery is ruined
What do you call a sad cup of coffee?
A depresso
What do you call a psychic midget who escaped from jail?
A small medium at large
The nice thing about bending your bed sheets without someone to help you…
is that when you're done it's easy to clean the floor: you're already half way through. (Might as well have been a "dirty" joke.)
My boss told me as a security guard its my job to watch the office.
I am on season 6 so far, but not sure what it has got to do with security.
My wife told me she thought we’d have less arguments if I wasn’t so pedantic.
I told her, "I think you mean fewer".
What do you call Sad Island weather?
A Tropical Depression
A man takes his seat at the NBA final. He looks over and notices there’s an extra seat in between himself and the next guy.
The man says, "Who would ever miss the NBA final?” The guy replies, "Well that was my wife’s seat. We have been to the last four NBA finals together, but sadly she passed away.” The man says back, "That’s terrible, but couldn’t you get another close family member to come with you?” The guy says, "No. They're all at the funeral."
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The first time I met my wife, I knew she was a keeper.
She was wearing massive gloves
I brought my daughter out for her first drink…
While reading an article about fathers and sons drinking together, I remembered the time I took my daughter out for her first drink. Off we went to our local bar only two blocks from the house. I got her a Guinness. She didn't like it, so I drank it. Then I got her a Killian's she didn't like that either, so I drank it. Finally, I thought she might like some Harp Lager? She didn't. I drank it. I thought maybe she'd like whiskey better than beer so we tried a Jameson's; nope! In desperation, I had her try that 25 year old Glenfiddich. The bar's finest scotch. She wouldn't even smell it. What could I do but drink it! By the time I realized she just didn't like to drink, I was so shit-faced I could hardly push her stroller back home!
Someone just told me they were going to smack me with the neck of their guitar.
I said, “is that a fret?”
I walked in on my boss vigorously masturbating
He told me to stop masturbating and get the hell out of his office
Two women had been having a friendly lunch when the subject turned to sex.
"You know, John and I have been having some sexual problems", Linda told her friend. "Thats amazing!" Mary replied, "So have Tom and I. Were thinking of going to a sex therapist", said Linda. "Oh, we could never do that! Wed be too embarrassed!", responded Mary. "But after you go, will you please tell me how it went?" Several weeks passed, and the two friends met for lunch again. "So how did the sex therapy work out, Linda?", Mary asked. "Things couldnt be better!", Linda exclaimed. "We began with a physical exam, and afterward the doctor said he was certain he could help us. He told us to stop at the grocery store on the way home and buy a bunch of grapes and a dozen donuts. He told us to sit on the floor nude, and toss the grapes and donuts at each other. Every grape that went into my vagina, John had to get it out with his tongue. Every donut that I ringed his penis with, I had to eat. Our sex life is wonderful, in fact its better than its ever been!" With that endorsement Mary talked her husband into an appointment with the same sex therapist. After the physical exams were completed the doctor called Mary and Tom into his office. "Im afraid there is nothing I can do for you," he said. "But doctor," Mary complained, "you did such good for Linda and John, surely you must have a suggestion for us! Please, please, cant you give us some help? Any help at all?" "Well, OK," the doctor answered. "On your way home, I want you to stop at the grocery store and buy a sack of apples and a box of cheerios…"
Why is it so difficult to remodel x-rated theaters?
All the walls are load-bearing.
A man is drinking in a bar when a nun harasses him about drinking.
In self-defense the man says, “Who told you that drinking is bad?” Nun : "Mother Superior told me." Man : "So, have you ever tried it?" Nun : "No, I haven’t ever taken a drink of hard liquor." Man : "Well, don’t criticize me if you haven’t tried it. I’ll tell you what if you try it and don’t like it, I’ll give up drinking for life." Nun : "Okay but bring it in a tea cup. I don’t want people thinking I’m drinking." The man goes up to the bartender and says, “Bring me a couple of shots of vodka but bring one of them in a tea cup.” The bartender looked at the man and said, “Is that nun in here again?”
Earlier today someone sent me a bunch of flowers, but all the heads had been cut off.
I think I'm being stalked
I bought an alcoholic ginger beer.
He wasn’t happy
What’s the difference between light and hard?
I can fall asleep with a light on.
Why won’t the dog listen to the farmer’s sheep jokes?
Because he has herd them all.
When I was little, I had a disease that required me to eat dirt three times a day in order to survive..
It's a good thing my older brother told me about it.
My wife thought I wouldn’t be stupid enough to give our daughter a silly name.
But I decided to call her Bluff.
To kill a French Vampire you need to drive a baguette through its heart.
Sounds easy but the process is painstaking.
My girlfriend said, “If one day, you want to run away, just let me know.”
Turns out she meant together.
My wife is really mad at the fact that I have no sense of direction.
So I packed up my stuff and right.
Why did the scarecrow get an award?
He was outstanding in his field.
I pour my root beer into a square cup.
Now it's just beer.
Why did man invent curling?
To convince women sweeping was a sport.
I used to think I understood the Dunning-Kruger effect…
but the more I look into it, the less sure I am.
Opinion: Dad jokes shouldn’t be painful.
Except for the punchline.
