Highlight of my life
He really pinned Jim Jordan on the mat here, & I don’t think he’s getting up.
https://ift.tt/2NMRNzn
How can you tell when a vampire’s sick ?
Because of the coffin.
My dad just got a tattoo of a Thermos on his palm…
Now whenever someone tries to shake his hand he says "Don't you dare touch my thermos tat!"
![[OC] Guess the Pun #54](https://jokejet.com/wp-content/uploads/2020/05/no_image_card-112-400x247.png)
You’ll never hear a Hindu tell a Yo Mamma joke…
They consider cows to be sacred.
What do you say to a Jedi who stole your sicilian dessert?
"You owe me one cannoli."
Bill Clinton likes to go for a walk every Saturday evening…
One evening, he passed by an alley, and a prostitute yelled at him, "Fifty dollars will buy you a good time!" He responded by saying "How's about 5 dollars?", jokingly, and kept walking. This same thing kept happening every Saturday for a couple weeks; every time Bill passed the prostitute, she would offer him her services for fifty dollars, and he would decline and say he'd only pay five. One evening, however, Hillary asked if she could come along on the walk with him, and Bill reluctantly agreed, nervous about what Hillary would say if the prostitute yelled at him again. They went on the walk, and when they passed the alley, to Bill's surprise, the prostitute was silent, and they continued on their walk. As they were about to round the corner, however, they heard the prostitute's voice from behind them, "So that's what five dollars gets you, huh?"
What’s something only 10 year olds can do?
Turn 11. My kid asked me that question and they clearly had something else in mind, because she was less than enthusiastic about my response.
Peter and a genie walk into a bar
The genie asked, “What’s your first wish?” Peter answered, “I wish I was rich.” And the genie said, “What’s your second wish, Rich.”
I made a graph for my past relationships.
It has an ex-axis and a why-axis.
“Mom? Don’t freak out, but I’m in the hospital…”
"Jeremy, you've been a doctor for over 8 years now, please stop starting every phone conversation we have with that."
Why don’t female roommates share a bra?
Because then it'll become a cobra.
I’ve been asking people what LGBTQ means
Nobody gave me a straight answer
Two Arab guys move to the US, and they have a friendly bet as to who would become more “Americanized” in a year.
After a year, the first guy: I just dropped off my kids at baseball practice, and I’m taking him to McDonalds later. The second guy: Fuck off, towelhead!
As a punishment I made my son read part of the dictionary.
He learned next to nothing.
Did you know that it’s illegal to water your plants in China ?
It causes the microphones to rust.
I’m following my girlfriend to England for the semester.
I’ll be studying a broad.
A person was accused of burying someone in cement
but there was no concrete evidence.
What does eating pussy and smoking a cigarette have in common?
The closer you get to the butt the more intense the flavor.
Two windmills are standing in a field. Wanting to pass the time in conversation one turns to the other and asks “What kind of music do you like?”
The second turns and says: "I am a big metal fan."
What’s on the inside of a fire hydrant?
H2O. What's on the outside of the hydrant? K9P
A naive and beautiful young girl is walking along the street in the countryside.
A naive, beautiful, conservatively dressed young girl is walking along the street in the countryside. A man, wearing sunglasses and driving a sport car stops by: "do you need a lift?" She's intimidated by the sport car and the confident demeanour of this man, but she accepts, and they start getting to know each other. "it's very nice that you pick me up in such a car. it's a long way home from here" "it's a pleasure babe". "what do you do?" she asks "I'm a DJ and speaker at the radio" he answers. She's delighted: "oh really? It's so cool. I always listen to the radio. Do you also have those show with song requests for birthdays?" "yes, I do those kind of shows, we receive song requests for birthdays. Have you ever tried?" Embarrassing silence follows. Somethings is in her head, and she gains courage to say it: "well you see… I always wanted to call and request a song, but I heard it's always hard to get a place, there's a lot of people requesting… and I sort of don't know how this kind of things work, maybe I have to speak live and then don't know what to say. But I always wanted to do it… today is also my little sister's birthday…" "well, babe, we could change this, don't you think? She'd be very happy, and you too" wink wink He starts to sort of take a long route, apparently driving where no one can see, his intentions are clear. "where are we going?" "you see, babe, you could do something for me, and maybe I could get you a fast lane to do what you want for your sister's birthday…" She starts getting it, but she is not sure, the situation is so intimidating, but also exciting, and she sort of want to do it – for her dear sister. He parks the car in the middle of nowhere, stops the engine, and starts unzipping his jeans. She is scared, doesn't know what to do, it's all so new. "what worries you, babe?" "Well you see I've never done this sort of things, I'm embarrassed, I'm just a girl from the countryside, I… I don't really know if…" He knows his way in reassuring a scared woman: "don't worry babe, you'll be fine, there's nothing you can do wrong, just be yourself. Think of your sister. you'll make her day" He proceeds to take his genitals out. She freaks out internally, but thinks to herself "whatever, I'll do it for her". She looks into his eyes, he looks into her eyes, reassuring and firm. She starts to get her mouth close to his penis. She opens her mouth: "Hello, I want to dedicate the next song to my sister for her birthday, it's a very special day and I love her with all my heart and …"
Having children is a lot like making pancakes
The first one is always a bit weird, but you can always just eat it when no one is looking.
Six topless women sounds nice
Dozen Tit??
So if guns don’t kill people, people kill people
Does that mean toasters don’t toast toast toast toast toast?
A teacher asked her students to use the word “beans” in a sentence.
"My father grows beans," said one girl. "My mother cooks beans," said a boy. A third student spoke up, "We are all human beans."
How do you make holy water?
Boil the hell out of it.
The President of the United States saves the economy from the COVID-19 slowdown.
https://ift.tt/3ac8Pj8
Why is an executioner a terrible high-fiver?
He always leaves you hanging
My wife left me because I’m too insecure
No wait, she’s back She just went to make a cup of coffee
One cosy Friday evening, my girlfriend said she wanted to watch Grease.
So I made her stand in front of a deep fat fryer.
Did you hear about what happened to the guy from the keyboard factory?
He was fired for not putting in enough Shifts.
I have a few jokes on unemployed people
But none of them work.
Who’s the coolest guy in the hospital when the ultrasound guy isn’t there?
The hip replacement guy
