Thanks for explaining the word “many” to me
it means a lot.
So I hear they are going to start using bio diesel made from herbs for trains…..
….maybe ours will now run on Thyme.
What do you call a stolen Tesla?
An Edison.
Did you hear about the semicolon that broke the law?
It received two consecutive sentences.
Are you tired of boiling water every time you make pasta?!
Just boil a few gallons at the beginning of the week and freeze it for later!!
I ordered a chicken and an egg from Amazon.
Iāll let you know.
3 gay sailors
Sailor: Captain! Captain! Captain: Yes Sailor? Sailor: I think we have 3 gay sailors on board! Captain: How would you even know that? Sailor: Well I sucked Jimmy's dick and it tasted like shit.
Why do you never see elephants hiding in trees?
Because they're so damn good at it.
I for one am a fan of Roman numerals
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You gotta hand it to blind prostitutes
(Thatās it. Thatās the joke)
Found this one in the local paper and translated it
So an honest lawyer, a hard working politician and Santa are walking and they find a 100ā¬ note on the ground. Who is going to pick it up? Santa because the first two don't exist.
My math teacher called me average
How mean is that ?
What do you call a fight between a Martian and a nerd with no social life?
Alien versus Redditor.
To the man in the wheelchair that stole my camouflage jacket…
You can hide but you can't run.
So I lost my job at the bank on my very first day…
An old woman asked me to check her balance, so I pushed her over.
I donāt understand why people celebrate pi day
Itās irrational.
An 18 year old girl tells her mom that she has missed her period for two months
Very worried, the mother goes to the drugstore and buys a pregnancy kit. The test result shows that the girl is pregnant. Shouting, cursing, crying, the mother says, "Who was the pig that did this to you? I want to know!" The girl picks up the phone and makes a call. Half an hour later, a Ferrari stops in front of their house. A mature and distinguished man with gray hair and impeccably dressed in an Armani suit steps out of the of the Ferrari and enters the house. He sits in the living room with the father, mother, and the girl and tells them: "Good morning, your daughter has informed me of the problem. I can't marry her because of my personal family situation but I'll take charge." "I will pay all costs and provide for your daughter for the rest of her life." "Additionally, if a girl is born, I will bequeath a Ferrari, a beach house, two retail stores, a townhouse, a beachfront villa, and a $2,000,000 bank account. If a boy is born, my legacy will be a couple of factories and a $4,000,000 bank account. If twins, they will receive a factory and $2,000,000 each. However, if there is a miscarriage, what do you suggest I do?" At this point, the father, who had remained silent, places a hand firmly on the man's shoulder and tells him, "You fuck her again."
What does ED stand for?
Nothing, it stands for nothing.
My daughter came home from school screaming at me
"Iāve just had sex education in school today, Dad! You lied to me! You told me if I have sex before marriage, my boyfriend will die!" I put down my paper: āOh, he will, sweetheart, he will.ā ā
I live in constant fear that Trump will deport my Latina mother in law
Who lives at 324 3rd st. Los Angeles. She gets off at 6
What do you call a girl who refuses to pay her bills?
Burnadebt (Just thought of this and I gotta admit…I'm a little bit proud of myself.)
The word ādiputseromneveā may look ridiculousā¦
…but backwards, itās even more stupidā¦
A Bartender walks into a bar.
*Bart's life flashes before his eyes as he's mercilessly shot four times in the chest*
Electricians have to strip to make ends meet.
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Here is joke about Canada don’t take it seriously
Credits to u/commonschemeforyou God was creating all the countries and it was Canada's turn He turned to his angels and said "this country will have unmatched beauty, plenty of natural resources, and its citizens will be the happiest and friendliest in the world" The angels ask God, "aren't you blessing this country a little TOO much?" and God replies, "wait till you see who their neighbour is"
The year is 1804 and a young man enlists on a ship..
..his first voyage is to last 3 years, and even though the work is hard the young man takes to it like a fish in water. After only a few days he is running the riggin like an old hand, he swabs the decks without complaint and spends his free time in amicable companionship playing cards or telling tall tales. All in all the young man feels as if he has found his calling. A few weeks go by like this, the young man loving his new life except one part.. There are no women. After a couple of months like this, he is starting to feel extremely uncomfortable with the situation and voices his complaints to his shipmates one evening. "Why don't you just use the barrel?" Asks one of his mates with a surprised look .It turns out that down in the hold, in a dark corner there is a barrel, with a hole drilled into the side.. Whenever the sailors start to feel their urges rise, they simply go down to the barrel and take care of their business there. The young man decides, with some scepticism, to try the barrel, and finds to his surprise that it is a wholly pleasant experience, in no way lesser than any he has had with real women before. With this new found release the young man starts to enjoy his work even more. His days continue as before, and his evenings are still spent in pleasant company, but a new addition to his routine is a nightly visit to the barrel. Another two months pass in this way and all is well, until one night as he gets up from his seat at the card table and announces that he is going to visit the barrel to his mates.A few chuckles greet this announcement and one of his friends asks "Trying to get the final fun out of it eh?" "Final fun? Are we getting rid of the barrel?" The young man asks, worry playing over his face. "Not at all mate, it's just that.. next month is your turn in the barrel."
What do you call a pregnant woman?
A bodybuilder
I have so many jokes about Unemployed people
But sadly none of them work.
My mom used to tell me not to laugh at other’s condition because we may be in their position one day.
So I laugh at Bill Gates' condition everyday.
Knock knock.
Who's there? Boo. Boo who? Aw, don't cry. It's just a joke.
I was at the deli counter behind another dad and his son the other day.
I was at the deli counter behind another dad and his son the other day. He has his hands full – the kid was screaming for candy, cookies… all sorts of things. The dad kept saying in a controlled voice: āEasy, William, this wonāt take long. Just chill out.ā He had another outburst in the cereal aisle and his dad just said "Settle down, William. Just a couple more minutes and weāll be out of here. Hang in there, buddy.ā At the checkout, I see him in the next lane over and the kid is throwing items out of the cart. His Dad says again, super-calmly, āWilliamā¦ William, relax! Donāt get upset. Weāll be home in ten minutes. Just stay cool, William.ā It was impressive. So, as we're both walking out of the store I turned to him and said āI'm sure itās none of my business, but you were amazing back there. I donāt know how you kept your composure. I might have snapped if my son was in that kind of mood. William is very lucky to have you as his dad!ā And he said āThanks! But actually, I'm William. This little shit's name is Collin.ā