HILARIOUS
A fat man sees a sign on a door: lose 1 pound for $1…
He puts a dollar in the slot and enters. There is a jogging track with a beautiful naked woman wearing jogging shoes. "Better start running" she says, beckoning him. Excited, he chases her around the track for an hour. Finally he catches her, she… ahem… rewards him… then he steps on the scale. He lost 1 pound! As he leaves he sees a new sign next door. "Lose 2 pounds for $2". He pays, enters. This time there are two gorgeous naked women in running shoes. They say "Better start running." He does, chasing them around the track. Two hours later he catches them. He is doubly… rewarded. On his way out the scale shows he lost 2 pounds! The man leaves. Sure enough, next door there is a final sign: "Lose 3 pounds for $3." By now the fat man is exhausted and can barely walk… but he cannot resist. He pays and enters. The door slams shut behind him and locks. Alone on the running track is a 6'4" muscular male body builder, naked except for running shoes. The naked athlete points down at his enormous erection, smiles at the fat man and says… "Better start running."
I got a letter from the President today! I knew exactly which quote to pair it with.
https://ift.tt/2QNcAUD
Wife : Why don’t you treat me like when I was your girlfriend?
Husband the next day , took her on his bike to Italian restaurant for evening coffee, then movie. Dinner at most famous restaurant. Followed by ice cream. Later on dropped her at her parents house and went home fast
Kissing half a billion dollars goodbye… Bloomberg’s worst return on an investment
https://ift.tt/2ToqSMU
My girlfriend refused to have unprotected sex
I understand, she is deadly allergic to nuts.
What’s the difference between a female farmer and Hitler’s girlfriend?
One bales her hay and the other hails her bae
I didn’t think my son was stealing from his geometry teacher until I saw his room…
All the sines were there.
What do you call a cow that just gave birth?
Decaffeinated
According to Greek Mythology, Chiron was a half-human, half-horse doctor.
This made him the Centaur for Disease Control.
A man tells his friend, “I know a guy who has a small dick and sounds like an owl.”
His friend asks, "Who?"
I don’t know why i loves bad puns so much.
It’s just how eye roll i guess
I taught a wolf to meditate
Now it’s aware wolf
Presidents
Two guys, one American, one Russian, are discussing their presidents: – We despise our president, you know, when Trump is out in the crowd, everyone throws eggs, fruits – saw somebody throwing a pineapple at him; he get spit a lot and we swear at him aloud … – Here, In Russia, when Putin passes by, everybody urinates on him, but you know, everybody! – Well, let's be serious; I exaggerated a little … we swear at Trump, but in a whisper … we throw at him … but in front of our TVs … – Well, I exaggerated a bit as well … We really urinate, but we don't put our pants down … [Now: not a native speaker, so mistakes should be overlooked, of course, I hope it's not a repost]
Just spent 6 hours linking all my watches together to make a belt…
It was a complete waist of time…
People say that being a hostage is hard, but I don’t agree.
I can do that with my hands tied behind my back.
What makes a good tongue twister?
Well, it’s hard to say.
What do call a man with no body and just a nose?
Nobody nose
Start with the punchline.
How do you tell a time travelling joke?
What’s all this nonsense about nothing flying at Gatwick airport.
My drone's been flying about there all morning no problem.
Why are there no Walmarts in Afghanistan?
Because they're all Targets.
I have a weird fetish for figuring things out.
I just came to this realization.
I asked Ryu if i could learn martial arts at his level yesterday
He said: “Suuuuureee YOU can!”
Who is Stan?
And how did he get so many countries named after him?
I never knew covering up my bald spot would cost so much.
But it's a price I'm willing toupée.
A lumberjack went in to a magic forest to cut a tree. Upon arrival, he started to swing at the tree, when it shouted, “Wait! I’m a talking tree!”
The lumberjack grinned, “And you will dialogue!"
Italian Altar Boy’s Confession
An Italian altar boy goes to confession. He starts, "Bless me Father, for I have sinned. I have been with a loose girl." The priest asks, "Is that you, little Joey Pagano?" "'Yes, Father, it is." "And who was the girl you were with?" "I can't tell you, Father. I don't want to ruin her reputation." "Well, Joey, I'm sure to find out her name sooner or later so you may as well tell me now. Was it Tina Minetti?" "I cannot say." "Was it Teresa Mazzarelli?" "I'll never tell." "Was it Nina Capelli?" "I'm sorry, but I cannot name her." "Was it Cathy Piriano?" "My lips are sealed." "Was it Rosa DiAngelo, then?" "Please, Father, I cannot tell you." The priest sighs in frustration. "You're very tight lipped, and I admire that. But you've sinned and have to atone. You cannot be an altar boy now for 4 months. Now you go and behave yourself." Joey walks back to his pew, and his friend Franco slides over and whispers, "What'd you get?" "Four months vacation and five good leads!"
I Don’t Understand Why People Have Been Hating On The Police.
Roxanne is a really good song.
My doctor friend is addicted to hitting his patients on their knee to test their reflexes.
He really gets a kick out of it.
Five Germans in an Audi Quattro arrive at the Italian border.
The Italian Customs Officer stops them and tells them "It'sa illegala to putta 5 people in a Quattro." "Vot do you mean it's illegal?" asks the German driver. "Quattro meansa four" replies the Italian official. "Quattro is just ze name of zefokken automobile" the German says unbelievingly. "Look at ze dam papers: ze car is designed to karry 5 persons" "You canta pulla thata one on me!" replies the Italian customs officer. "Quattro meansa four. You have five-a people ina your car and you are thereforea breaking tha law." The German driver replies angrily, "You idiot! Call your zupervisor over. I vant to speak to someone viz more intelligence!" "Sorry" responds the Italian officer, "He can'ta come. He'sa busy witha 2 guys in a Fiat Uno"
I used to hate facial hair.
But then it grew on me.
I’ve run out of toilet paper and started using old newspapers instead
The times are rough
A Jewish father was very troubled by the way his son turned out and went to see his rabbi about it.
“Rabbi, I brought him up in the faith, gave him a very expensive Bar Mitzvah and it cost me a fortune to educate him. Then he tells me last week, he’s decided to be a Christian. Rabbi, where did I go wrong?” The rabbi strokes his beard and says, “Funny you should come to me. I too, brought up my son as a boy of faith, sent him to university and it cost me a fortune and then one day he comes to me and tells me he wants to be a Christian.” “What did you do?” asked the man of the rabbi. “I turned to God for the answer,” replied the rabbi. “What did he say?” asked the man. He said, “Funny you should come to me…”
Rolled my first joint last night.
God my ankle hurts this morning.