Hilbert’s Hotel when a new guest arrives at the hotel be like
“You the bomb.” “No, you the bomb.”
A compliment in America. An argument in the Middle East.
Why does Waldo only wear stripes?
Because he doesn’t want to be spotted.
I bought a dog off a blacksmith today….
As soon as I got it home it made a bolt for the door.
Why do chicken coops have 2 doors?
Because if they had 4 they'd be called chicken sedans.
Life is like a box of chocolates
It doesn't last long for fat people.
The joys of a “custom” CMS…
If I never have to deal with another “custom CMS” ever again, it’ll be too soon… The latest one that’s been inflicted upon me, inspired me to make this meme:https://ift.tt/3fAGfuV
Can monsters do math?
Not unless you count Dracula
I gave marijuana to a cow
The steaks were high, but it was worth it
Why did the barber win the race?
He took a short cut.
Chuck Norris caught the coronavirus
but later decided to let it go.
Once I saw this guy on a bridge about to jump
I said: “Don't do it!" He said, "Nobody loves me." I said, "God loves you. Do you believe in God?" He said, "Yes." I said, "Are you a Christian or a Jew?" He said, "A Christian." I said, "Me, too! Protestant or Catholic?" He said, "Protestant." I said, "Me, too! What franchise?" He said, "Baptist." I said, "Me, too! Northern Baptist or Southern Baptist?" He said, "Northern Baptist." I said, "Me, too! Northern Conservative Baptist or Northern Liberal Baptist?" He said, "Northern Conservative Baptist." I said, "Me, too! Northern Conservative Baptist Great Lakes Region, or Northern Conservative Baptist Eastern Region?" He said, "Northern Conservative Baptist Great Lakes Region." I said, "Me, too! Northern Conservative Baptist Great Lakes Region Council of 1879, or Northern Conservative Baptist Great Lakes Region Council of 1912?" He said, "Northern Conservative Baptist Great Lakes Region Council of 1912. I said, "Die, heretic!" And I pushed him over.
I’m tired of hearing people say that age is just a number
When it's clearly a word!
Why was 11am afraid of 12am?
It hated the dark.
Doctor: “Relax Steven, relax. Everything is gonna be alright.”
Patient: "But doctor, I am not Steven. My name is Mike." Doctor: "I know, I am Steven."
Since it started snowing, all my grandma has done is stare through the window.
I might have to let her back in if it gets any worse
Two guys are digging to the center of the world.
Eventually one guys looks over and sees the other is just standing there holding a pole. "Wears your shovel?" "Yeah, it sure does."
What did the tectonic plate say when it bumped into another tectonic plate?
Sorry, that's my fault.
What’s ET short for?
So he can fit in the spaceship
To the man who stole my camouflage jacket in the wheelchair
You can hide but you can’t run
What did the deaf person think when he won the auction?
I’ve won, but at what cost?
Humans eat more bananas than monkeys.
I can’t remember the last time I ate a monkey.
Today I quit drinking for good
Now I only drink for evil
I met this girl at the vegan restaurant who said she knew me.
But I never met herbivore.
“Sixty is the worst age to be,” said the 60-year-old…
"You always feel like you have to pee. And most of the time, you stand at the toilet and nothing comes out!" he continued. "Ah, that's nothin'," said the 70-year-old. "When you're seventy, you can't even crap anymore. You take laxatives, then you sit on the toilet all day and nothin' comes out!" "Actually," said the 80-year-old, "80 is the worst age of all!" "Do you have trouble peeing too?" asked the 60-year-old. "No, not really. I pee every morning at 6:00. I pee like a racehorse on a flat rock; no problem at all." "Do you have trouble crapping?" asked the 70-year-old. "No, I crap every morning at 6:30." With great exasperation, the 60-year-old said, "Let me get this straight. You pee every morning at 6:00 and crap every morning at 6:30. So what's so tough about being 80?" "I don't wake up until 7:00"
What do you call a Snowman witha six-pack?
An Abdominal Snowman
I was so late to the cannibal banquet
They just gave me a cold shoulder
Help please :D
Can you help me with a project answering this poll with your age? https://ift.tt/2veVDKO – 12 to 17 https://ift.tt/2SwdhSb – 18 to 24 https://ift.tt/2UBOOxu – 25 to 34 https://ift.tt/2SwdiWf – 35+
Every naked person I see turns me on
Said the shower head.
Mality, Mality, Mality, Mality.
Now that we’ve got the four malities out the way, we can begin.
What’s the difference between a cranky two-year-old and a duckling?
One is a whiny toddler and the other is a tiny waddler…
The CEO of a hardware company calls in his top ad man and tells him, “We need a new TV spot for our B&Q Nails line.”
A week later, the ad man comes back with a videotape and pops it into the VCR in the CEO's office. The commercial starts and the CEO sees Jesus being nailed to the cross while a voice over says, "B&Q nails: they get the job done." The CEO is irritated and says, "That is completely unacceptable! We are NOT using that!" A week passes, and the ad man returns with another tape. The new tape shows Jesus hanging on the cross in the background, and in the foreground a centurion turns to the camera and says, "B&Q nails: they hold anything!" The CEO is furious and yells, "JESUS IS NOT GETTING NAILED TO THE CROSS WITH B&Q NAILS, PERIOD!" Another week goes by, and the ad man comes back with a third tape. This time Jesus sprints down the street with a group of centurions in pursuit. As he passes the camera one of the centurions turns and says, "We should have used B&Q nails!"
I always carry a picture of my wife and kids in my wallet because it’s a sobering reminder of why…
…there's never any money in there.
I watched a movie about graphs last night, but I was slightly disappointed.
The plot was predictable, and the special f(x) was terrible.
I have the opposite of an amputee fetish.
I am lack toes intolerant.
I tried to steal candy from a newborn baby.
He slapped my hand away. Turns out he wasn't born yesterday.
A man dies and meets God
God tells him "Because of your excellent behaviour in life, I will grant you one wish, you can ask me anything." The man says "Okay, Tell me who killed JFK?" God says "It was Lee Harvey Oswald acting alone, using his own rifle" The man says "Wow, this goes higher up than I thought"