Hillary under investigation=guilty, but Trump under investigation=witch hunt.
But so far I've made three jugs and a vase and they're lovely.
Smiling, I replied, “Tiny!" My kid laughed and asked, “What an odd name, why do you call him Tiny?” I explained, “Because…he’s my newt!"
it was a counter-attack.
You can unscrew a lightbulb
Because I couldn’t possibly have been named before him
Because he was outstanding in his field.
I was looking for something specific
When the punchline become apparent.
My wife was just swapping out objects on the mantle, and my son asked why she was putting bamboo up there.
I told him she was decorating for Halloween, and they both just gave me a flat look. Then with a grin on my face I simply said bamBOO!! Much to my wife’s dismay my 6 year old has been repeating it for the last 20 minutes.
During one of her daily classes, a teacher trying to teach good manners asked her students the following question:
"Michael, if you were on a date having dinner with a nice young lady, how would you tell her that you have to go to the bathroom?" Michael said: "Just a minute I have to go pee." The teacher responded by saying: "That would be rude and impolite. What about you Sherman, how would you say it?" Sherman said: "I am sorry, but I really need to go to the bathroom. I'll be right back." "That's better, but it's still not very nice to say the word bathroom at the dinner table. And you, little Johnny, can you use your brain for once and show us your good manners?" Johnny said: "I would say: Darling, may I please be excused for a moment? I have to shake hands with a very dear friend of mine, who I hope to introduce you to after dinner."
She’s been raising a lot of red flags.
The people in Dubai don't like the Flintstones but the people in Abu Dhabi dooo!
Through the Dumbell door.
To beat the crowd
It was a brief case.
Not unless you count Dracula
Ground beef What do you call a cow with two legs? Lean beef What do you call a cow that has been knighted? Sir Loin What do you call a cow with a twitch? Beef Jerky What do you call a cow that dies in a helicopter crash? Kobe Beef
She said, "Oh the baby is mine, I get to keep it"
He got arrested after the police saw people actually letting him in.
I have a very important job in my company. I make sure that there are enough seats when the Directors meet.
Basically, I'm the Chairman of the Board.
Nothing… They fast!
Dad: "'Yes' or 'no'."
He calls them Mother and Motherfucker.
I have a dad-a-base.
He sold his soul to Santa.
I think it was filmed in a movie theater, though – I see a little silhouetto of a man.
It was just a mean thing to say.
Have another one say "Bingo!"
For the sake of civility, and to keep it from getting sunburned, he had a hat over his privates. A woman walks past and says, snickering, "If you were a gentleman, you'd lift your hat". He raised an eyebrow and replied, "if you weren't so ugly, it would lift itself".