Hillary under investigation=guilty, but Trump under investigation=witch hunt.
I was walking with my girlfriend when a random guy whistled at her and said, “Nice ass”. She was clearly annoyed and demanded I say something.
So I turned around and said, "Thank you I've been doing squats."
They say Kim Jong Un has read every single book
That must be why everyone calls him the 'supreme reader'.
I bought some shoes from a drug dealer
I don't know what he laced them with, but I was tripping all day!
My wife said she’s going to leave me if I don’t stop with the click bait
You wont believe what happened next!
[Announcement] If you keep spamming your youtube channels here then your post will be marked as spam.
Which means that you will not only be banned from posting to this sub but you may get a shadow ban from reddit. Shadow ban means that you will not be able to post anything to ANY subreddit. Just follow the rules before posting.
Job interview
At a recent job interview I was asked "Can you perform under pressure?" I said "Unfortunately not, but I know the words to Bohemian Rhapsody."
My boss just told me that I’m the worst mailman he has ever seen.
Shit. I meant to post this somewhere else.
Scientists have finally figured out how much sleep a teenager needs.
Just five more minutes.
Why are tigers always honest?
Because they aren't lion
People always say that the Romans didn’t handle the whole Jesus situation very well
I think they nailed it.
I have a few jokes on unemployed people
But none of them work.
Stephen King has a son named Joe.
I’m not joking, but he is.
What are Mexican proteins made of?
Amigo acids
MEN’S HELP LINE – Letter of the Month
Hi John, I really need your advice on a serious problem: I have suspected for some time now that my wife has been cheating on me. The usual signs: if the phone rings and I answer, the caller hangs up; she goes out with the girls a lot. I try to stay awake to look out for her when she comes home but I usually fall asleep. Anyway last night about midnight I hid in the shed behind the boat. When she came home she got out of someone's car buttoning her blouse, then she took her panties out of her purse and slipped them on. It was at that moment crouched behind the boat that I noticed a hairline crack in the outboard engine mounting bracket. Is that something I can weld or do I need to replace the whole bracket?
life without love is meaningless..
Love without life is necrophilia.
There are 10 kinds of people…
Those who understand binary and those who don't.
What do you call a mummy with a sore throat?
I don’t know. Sir Cough I guess.
My grandfather died because the medics mistakenly thought he had Type A blood.
Turns out it was a typo.
Have you ever tried wanking with a dead arm???
I just got kicked out of another funeral home…..
In college, I double-majored in accounting and dentistry…
Now I can crunch numbers AND numb crunchers.
My teenage son treats me like a god.
He acts like I don't exist, until he wants something.
When I lost my rifle, the Army charged me $285…
That's why, in the Navy, the captain goes down with the ship.
When women remove polish with chemicals, no one bats an eye.
When Hitler removes Polish with chemicals, everyone loses their shit..
My wife has this weird OCD where she arranges the dinner plates by the year they were bought.
It’s an extremely rare dish order.
There’s a new reality show where flat-earthers are trying to find the edge of the world…
They’ll be so disappointed when the finale is not a cliffhanger…
A lumberjack went in to a magic forest to cut a tree. Upon arrival, he started to swing at the tree, when it shouted, “Wait! I’m a talking tree!”
The lumberjack grinned, “And you will dialogue!"
Why haven’t aliens come to our solar system?
They checked our reviews. One star.
Why are there only 239 beans in a can?
If there’s one more, it would be too farty.