his comment makes me so UNCOMFORTABLE
I just yelled, âF, YOU GUYS!â at my students.
I love being a music teacher.
We all know where the big apple is
But does anyone know where the Minneapolis?
WAITER: are you ready to order?
DAD: Iâll have the rabbit stew WAITER: only if you promise not to say âwaiter thereâs a hare in my soupâ after I bring it … DAD: Iâll have the chicken
I have just started a sexual relationship with a blind woman. It’s very rewarding, but quite challenging.
Took me ages to get her husband's voice right.
Why do North Koreans hate jazz music?
They don't have Seoul.
What is the difference between a cult and a religion?
In a cult the main person knows it's all bullshit. In religion that person is dead.
What do you call a catholic toaster strudel?
A pope tart.
A man gets a facelift…
A man decided to have a face lift for his birthday. He spends $5,000 and feels really good about the result. On his way home he stops at a newsstand and buys a paper. Before leaving he says to the sales Clerk, "I hope you don't mind me asking, but how old do you think I am?" "About 35," was the reply. "I'm actually 47," the man says, feeling really happy. After that he goes into McDonalds for lunch, and asks the order taker the same question, to which the reply is, "Oh you look about 29." "I am actually 47!" This makes him feel really good. While standing at the bus stop he asks an old woman the same question. She replies, "I am 85 years old and my eyesight is going. But when I was young there was a sure way of telling a man's age. If I put my hand down your pants and play with your balls for ten minutes I will be able to tell your exact age." As there was no one around, the man thought what the hell and let her slip her hand down his pants. Ten minutes later the old lady says, "OK, it's done. You are 47." Stunned the man says, "That was brilliant! How did you do that?" The old lady replies, "I was behind you in McDonalds."
Two scientists walk into a bar.
The first man says âIâll have H2O please.â The bartender replies âSure thing, and you?â The second man says âIâll have H2O aswell please.â The bartender turns around and mutters to himself âDammit, Iâll get him next time.â
How many lightning bugs does it take to screw in a light bulb?
Two, but I have no idea how they got in there.
What do you call someone who immigrated to Sweden?
an artificial Swedener
A teacher goes for a long walk on the beach. She finds a shiny magic lamb, picks it up, and rubs it.
There is a puff of blue smoke and a genie pops out. âYou have three wishes. I can give you anything in the world. If I fail, I must become your personal genie for eternity.â The teacher thinks for a moment and says, âFor my first wish, I want jewels. Silver, gold, platinum, whatever you have.â Poof! The jewels appear. âFor my second wish, I want karma. Lots of karma.â Poof! The karma appears. The genie stares at the teacher, waiting for the third wish. âI can give you anything in the world,â he says again. The teacher thinks for a long time. âAs a teacher, I always hated careless mistakes from my students. I noticed that I accidentally wrote âlambâ instead of âlamp.â Please correct my mistake.â The genie moaned in anguish. âThis is Reddit,â he shouted. Once you post it, you canât edit the title. âIn that case,â the teacher smiled, âIt looks like Iâve got myself a genie for eternity.â
Won’t someone please think of tĚśhĚśeĚś ĚścĚśhĚśiĚślĚśdĚśrĚśeĚśnĚś my portfolio?
https://ift.tt/2Uf2duI
Trump tried to kill himself and failed
it was a fake noose
My wife gets upset when I steal her kitchen utensils…
But it's a whisk I'm willing to take.
If it doesnât affect my day-to-day, I donât care.
If it doesnât affect my day-to-day, I donât care.
If I’m offering you my seat, you fucking take it.
I don't need this "omg i cant drive a train" shit
Did you hear about the Italian chef that died?
He pasta way
I think my phone is broken…
I pressed the home button and Iâm still at work.
I bought a dog off a blacksmith today….
As soon as I got it home it made a bolt for the door.
After my breakup I talked to my ex one last time and said: âDo you know whatâs been the best thing since I left you, itâs-â
âOh, I know. Youâve been out shagging anything that moves!â she said. âSowing your wild oats, getting your prick into anything with a pulse. I know exactly what youâre all about!â â-itâs that Iâve actually been able to finish a fucking sentence without being interrupted.â
Why can’t you trust an atom?
Because they make up literally everything.
How many feminists does it take to change a lightbulb?
That's not funny.
4 Bedroom, “2” bathrooms – Perfect New Home for a Systems Admin
I am not poking fun at anyone for being lower income, you can tell by the picture it’s a nice home. But in my search for a home I found this house and their master “bathroom” really sold me.https://imgur.com/j1345OnâPlease post all potty IT jokes
Did you know that One Direction went for a haircut together?
Now they have the same Harry Styles.
My girlfriend warned me she would break up if I didn’t stop making jokes about oral sex.
I said "That's hard to swallow."
Someone keeps sending me flowers with all the heads cut off
I think Iâm being stalked
The female janitor at my building asked if I would chill and smoke some weed with her
I said no. I can't deal with high maintenance women
All the organs of the body were having a meeting, trying to decide who was the one in charge…
"I should be in charge," said the brain , "Because I run all the body's systems, so without me nothing would happen." "I should be in charge," said the blood , "Because I circulate oxygen all over so without me you'd waste away." "I should be in charge," said the stomach," Because I process food and give all of you energy." "I should be in charge," said the legs, "because I carry the body wherever it needs to go." "I should be in charge," said the eyes, "Because I allow the body to see where it goes." "I should be in charge," said the rectum, "Because Im responsible for waste removal." All the other body parts laughed at the rectum And insulted him, so in a huff, he shut down tight. Within a few days, the brain had a terrible headache, the stomach was bloated, the legs got wobbly, the eyes got watery, and the blood Was toxic. They all decided that the rectum should be the boss The Moral of the story? Even though the others do all the work…. The ass hole is usually in charge