His profile picture was a duck at the time, so I thought I would have some fun
What does a janitor and a car have in common
They both go broom broom
Gay jokes aren’t funny.
Cum on guys.
A man goes to his boss and says, “I need to leave early today, I’m going to be a father!”
"Of course", he replied. "Take the afternoon off.” When the man returned to work the next day, his boss came to his desk. "Well, how'd it go? Is it a boy Or a girl?” “Not sure,” said the man, “but I’ll let you know in about 9 months.”
How does NASA organize a party?
They Planet.
I bought the world’s worst thesaurus yesterday.
Not only is it terrible, it’s terrible.
I really hope this whole COVID-19 thing gets cleared up before tick season
Because then we’d have corona with Lyme
Someone broke into my house and stole my limbo stick…
How low can you go?
![why santa might be a republican [OC]](https://jokejet.com/wp-content/uploads/2019/12/2xji7kgfnl641-400x369.jpg)
They say there’s a person capable of murder in every friendship group
I suspected it was Dave, so I killed him before he could cause any harm.
I have an EpiPen
My friend gave it to me when he was dying. It seemed important for him that I have it.
Ever since my son started swallowing money
I noticed some real change in him
As I slipped my finger slowly inside her hole, I could immediately feel it getting wetter and wetter… I slid my finger back out, and within seconds, she was going down on me.
I thought to myself, “I really need a new boat.”
I’ve just been banned from r/childfree.
Apparently it's not the best place to list your kids when you're trying to give them away.
What happens when someone steals uranium?
It becomes theiranium.
I was thinking they should change the name of the wishbone to the Napoleon.
Because you pull the Bonaparte.
My wife just gave birth to a set of identical twins. She named the first one Pete.
I named the second one Repeat.
They say today is Pi Day
but for me it will always be cake day!
My friend says he’s a compulsive liar…
I don’t believe him.
Man is at a job interview
Interviewer: Well, to start out in the beginning, you will be at a $30,000 salary, but later that number could go up to $50,000 or even $60,000. Man: Ok, I’ll come back later then.
Henry Heimlich, the creator of the Heimlich maneuver, was getting frustrated.
Everywhere he went, people pretended they were choking to see what he would do. One day, he visited England. During a banquet with the royal family, the Queen grabbed her throat and bent over. Heimlich ignored her, and she confessed that she was faking. Later, he passed a prince on the street, and the prince made a similar gesture, but again Heimlich ignored him. This continued with a duke, a Duchess, and an Earl. Every time, Heimlich continued on without giving them another thought. Late in the evening, Heimlich saw a poor farmer who was holding his throat. He rushed over to him and performed his famous life-saving maneuver. A piece of bread flew from the farmer’s mouth, and he begin gasping for breath. All of the people were amazed. A small boy walked up to him and said, “Mr. Heimlich, you ignored the queen when she pretended to be choking. You also ignored the prince, the duke, the Duchess, and the Earl. How did you know that the farmer actually needed your help?” Henry Heimlich looked down at him and smiled. “The real choke is always in the commons,” he said.
When does a joke become a dad joke?
When it becomes apparent.
I had a talk about porn with my girlfriend.
"I don't get porn, why would you watch 2 people have sex?" she asked, then I reply "Two?" she looks surprised and I add "People?"
What is a thousand times better than instagram?
Instakilogram
I have a friend who keeps trying to convince me he’s a compulsive liar…
…but I don’t believe him…
I asked my girlfriend to come to the gym with me and she didn’t turn up
I guess the two of us aren’t going to work out
As I slipped my finger slowly inside her hole, I could immediately feel it getting wetter and wetter…
I slid my finger back out, and within seconds, she was going down on me. I thought to myself, "I really need a new fucking boat."
learning to walk in high heels really kept me on my toes
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I was so bored that I memorized 6 pages of the dictionary.
I learned next to nothing.
I’m an unapologetic Canadian
I'm sorry, I just am
People always told me my dyslexia would hold me back and I’d never be any good at poetry.
But they couldn't be more wrong. So far I've made two jugs and a vase.
I tried to kidnap a blacksmith, but when I turned my back …
… he made a bolt for the door.
Two hunters are out in the woods when one of them collapses. He’s not breathing so his friend calls 911
''My friend is dead! What should I do?" The operator replies, "Calm down sir, first make sure that he's really dead." There's a silence, then a loud bang. Back on the phone, the guy says, Ok, now what?
As I handed my dad his 50th birthday card, he looked at me with tears in his eyes and said
"You know, one would have been enough."
My wife said sex has become a chore.
So for mothers day I've hired her some help.
Welfare Check:
A guy walked into the local welfare office to pick up his check. He marched straight up to the counter and said, "Hi.. You know…., I just HATE drawing welfare. I'd really rather have a job." The social worker behind the counter said, "Your timing is excellent. We just got a job opening from a very wealthy old man who wants a Chauffeur and bodyguard for his beautiful daughter. You'll have to drive around in his 2019 Mercedes-Benz CL, and he will supply all of your clothes. "Because of the long hours, meals will be provided. You'll also be expected to escort the daughter on her overseas holiday trips. This is rather awkward to say but you will also have as part of your job assignment to satisfy her sexual urges as the daughter is in her mid-20's and has a rather strong sex drive." The guy, just plain wide-eyed, said, "You're bullshittin' me!" The social worker said, "Yeah, well … You started it."
Which fruit likes to tease the others?
The banana nana boo boo
A radio station was running a competition – words that weren’t in the dictionary yet could still be used in a sentence that would make logical sense. The prize was a trip to Bali.
DJ: “96 FM here, what’s your name?” Caller: “Hi, my name’s Dave.” DJ: “Dave, what’s your word?” Caller: “Goan… spelt G-O-A-N pronounced ‘go-an’.” DJ: “You are correct, Dave, ‘goan’ is not in the dictionary. Now, for a trip to Bali: What sentence can you use that word in that would make sense?” Caller: “Goan fuck yourself!” The DJ cut the caller off and took other calls, all unsuccessful until: DJ: “96 FM, what’s your name?” Caller: “Hi, me name’s Jeff.” DJ: “Jeff, what’s your word?” Caller: “Smee, spelt S-M-E-E, pronounced ‘smee’.” DJ: “You are correct, Jeff, ‘smee’ is not in the dictionary. Now, for a trip to Bali: What sentence can you use that word in that would make sense?” Caller: “Smee again! Goan fuck yourself!”
I slept like a baby last night..
I spent half the night crying and then shit myself.
Two radio antennas fell in love and got married
The wedding wasn’t much but the reception was incredible!
We all know Albert Einstein was a genius
But his brother Frank was a monster!
