History does tend to repeat itself
One's really heavy and the other's a little lighter
It's a pane in the ass
Cause you just keep repeating the same shit
The title says it all.
It just made her more upset. She screamed at me, "What am I supposed to do with two dead dogs?"
Me: "That's because it transports money going through withdrawals." She hated that one so much I nearly wept with joy.
Because Republicans always insist on carrying a baby to full term.
I said to him, “I bet I know what your favorite Christian festival is.” He said, “Have to love Easter, baby.”
Yet all she can talk about is how I forgot the baby.
The barman asks : Why are your feet wet? The guy says: I went into the lake to get wood. A second guy enters the bar and is wet from the knees to the toes. The barman asks: Why are you wet? The second guy says: I went into the lake to get wood. A third guy enters the bar and is wet from the hips to the toes. The barman asks: Why are you wet? The third guy says: I went into the lake to get wood. A fourth guy enters the bar and is completly wet. The barman says: I guess you went into the lake to get wood?! The fourth guy says: No. I'm Wood !
Anyway, my dad just caught me masturbating
He says."Doc, you've gotta help me. I've been getting these same headaches everyday and I don't know what to do". The doctor says "I experienced those same headaches too. Here's what I did: I went home and gave my wife oral sex. She would squeeze my head with her legs and this relieved the tension. Try it". Two weeks go by, and the doctor calls him up, asking how he feels. He says "Doc, you're a genius! I haven't had a headache since I started this treatment. I feel like a new man! Oh, and by the way, you have a lovely home".
A physicist, an engineer and a statistician go on a hunting trip. They see a deer in a clearing. The physicist calculates the distance to the target, the velocity and drop of the bullet, he fires but misses five feet to the left. The engineer says he forgot to account for the wind, takes the rifle, aims and misses five feet to the right. The statistician claps and says "we got him!".
I just need dad joke enthusiasts to know that the International Poultry Meat Congress is held in Turkey this year.
The cooks a-salted everything
Because autism is rarely diagnosed before the age of 3
When she gets there, she is confused to find everyone furiously cracking eggs, dumping flour, and mixing batter. She turns around and sees an entire section dedicated to decoration, with elaborate concoctions of blueberries, frosting, and tiering at every station. Finally, she sees someone who appears to be in charge. She runs over and asks the man, "what is going on here?" The strange man replies, "everyone here is doing their best to better their souls." Confused at the cryptic answer and curious about the strange man's traditional Mongolian garb, the woman asks him to elaborate. The Buddhist Monk replies, "My dear, having cake is the best way to gain Karma."
They both give children serial numbers.
a Calendar has dates.
Paragraph, cause he’s not a full essay
Chicken sees a salad
He doesn't like to be spotted.
My friend keeps saying “cheer up man it could be worse, you could be stuck underground in a hole full of water”
I know he means well. (Since my last well-joke did well (pun intended) I thought this would be a nice follow-up)
I asked for his autograph, but all he wrote was ‘thanks’…