History does tend to repeat itself
What do you call a sad coffee?
Despresso
What’s the difference between a hippo and a zippo?
One's really heavy and the other's a little lighter
I hate when revolving doors move too fast
It's a pane in the ass
Damn girl are you a redditor?
Cause you just keep repeating the same shit
It all.
The title says it all.
My girlfriend’s dog died, so I tried to cheer her up by getting her an identical one.
It just made her more upset. She screamed at me, "What am I supposed to do with two dead dogs?"
Daughter: “That armored truck looks like an ambulance.”
Me: "That's because it transports money going through withdrawals." She hated that one so much I nearly wept with joy.
Why will Congress never impeach Trump?
Because Republicans always insist on carrying a baby to full term.
I saw Arnold Schwarzenegger eating a chocolate egg.
I said to him, “I bet I know what your favorite Christian festival is.” He said, “Have to love Easter, baby.”
My wife is so negative. I remembered the car seat, the stroller, AND the diaper bag.
Yet all she can talk about is how I forgot the baby.
A guy with wet feet enters a bar
The barman asks : Why are your feet wet? The guy says: I went into the lake to get wood. A second guy enters the bar and is wet from the knees to the toes. The barman asks: Why are you wet? The second guy says: I went into the lake to get wood. A third guy enters the bar and is wet from the hips to the toes. The barman asks: Why are you wet? The third guy says: I went into the lake to get wood. A fourth guy enters the bar and is completly wet. The barman says: I guess you went into the lake to get wood?! The fourth guy says: No. I'm Wood !
Isn’t it weird when sometimes you’re thinking about someone and then they suddenly appear?
Anyway, my dad just caught me masturbating
A man experiencing severe headaches goes to the doctor
He says."Doc, you've gotta help me. I've been getting these same headaches everyday and I don't know what to do". The doctor says "I experienced those same headaches too. Here's what I did: I went home and gave my wife oral sex. She would squeeze my head with her legs and this relieved the tension. Try it". Two weeks go by, and the doctor calls him up, asking how he feels. He says "Doc, you're a genius! I haven't had a headache since I started this treatment. I feel like a new man! Oh, and by the way, you have a lovely home".
Do you want to hear a mean joke?
A physicist, an engineer and a statistician go on a hunting trip. They see a deer in a clearing. The physicist calculates the distance to the target, the velocity and drop of the bullet, he fires but misses five feet to the left. The engineer says he forgot to account for the wind, takes the rifle, aims and misses five feet to the right. The statistician claps and says "we got him!".
Hay bales under a buck
https://ift.tt/2rYyv1i
I just need dad joke enthusiasts to know that the International Poultry Meat Congress is held in Turkey this year.
http://www.poultrymeatcongress.com
Why did the pacifist refuse to eat in the Italian Parliament’s cafeteria?
The cooks a-salted everything
Non-vaccinated children are less likely to have autism
Because autism is rarely diagnosed before the age of 3
What is a thousand times better than instagram?
Instakilogram
A lady dies and goes to heaven.
When she gets there, she is confused to find everyone furiously cracking eggs, dumping flour, and mixing batter. She turns around and sees an entire section dedicated to decoration, with elaborate concoctions of blueberries, frosting, and tiering at every station. Finally, she sees someone who appears to be in charge. She runs over and asks the man, "what is going on here?" The strange man replies, "everyone here is doing their best to better their souls." Confused at the cryptic answer and curious about the strange man's traditional Mongolian garb, the woman asks him to elaborate. The Buddhist Monk replies, "My dear, having cake is the best way to gain Karma."
What do Elon Musk and the Nazis have in common?
They both give children serial numbers.
Whats the difference between Me and a Calendar ?
a Calendar has dates.
What do you call a Mexican midget?
Paragraph, cause he’s not a full essay
What do you call a chicken staring at a salad?
Chicken sees a salad
Why does Waldo wear stripes?
He doesn't like to be spotted.
My friend keeps saying “cheer up man it could be worse, you could be stuck underground in a hole full of water”
I know he means well. (Since my last well-joke did well (pun intended) I thought this would be a nice follow-up)
When science helps you with your impatience but also makes you never work on it.
https://ift.tt/2VPdBOW
I met Tom Hanks today!
I asked for his autograph, but all he wrote was ‘thanks’…
