History: itself, itself, itself, itself, itself…
But then you realise it’s the only worthwhile thing you can do as a CS major.
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Why can’t dyslexics tell jokes?
They always punch up the fuck line
I used to really enjoy political jokes…
Unfortunately, too many of them got elected…
A Mexican magician tells the audience he will disappear on the count of three.
He says, "uno, dos…" poof … He disappeared without a tres.
A nun is having a bath when she hears a knock of the door….
She says "who is it?" "It's the blind man" comes the response. Ok, thinks the nun. "Come in then". In walks the man; "nice tits, now where do you want this blind?"
My Anesthesiologist said that if I didn’t want knockout gas he could hit me in the head with a paddle.
He wouldn't do both. It was ether/oar.
I accidentally drank holy water with my laxatives.
I’m about to start a religious movement.
People at our Christmas party were impressed when I showed off my incredibly detailed tattoo, but they didn’t believe me when I tell them I got it done in Madrid.
Nobody expected the Spanish ink precision.
I can always tell when I’m near an Indian restaurant
That's naan-sense, of course.
A cat died and went to Heaven
A cat died and went to Heaven. God met the animal at the Pearly Gates and said, “You have been a good cat all of these years. Anything you want is yours for the asking.” The cat thought for a moment and then said, “All my life I lived on a farm and slept on hard, wooden floors… I would like a real fluffy pillow to sleep on.” God said, “Say no more.” Instantly, the cat had a HUGE fluffy pillow. A few days later, 12 mice were simultaneously killed in an accident and they all went up to Heaven together. God met the mice at the Gates of Heaven, with the exact same offer that He made to the cat. The mice said, “Well, we have had to run all of our lives… from cats, dogs, and even from people with brooms. If we could just have some little roller-skates, we would never have to run again.” God answered, “It is done.” All the mice had beautiful little roller-skates. About a week later, God decided to check on the cat… He found her sound asleep on her fluffy pillow. God gently awakened the cat and asked, “Is everything okay? How have you been doing? Are you happy?” The cat replied, “Oh, everything is just WONDERFUL… I’ve never been so happy in my life! My pillow is always fluffy and those little “Meals-on-Wheels” that You have been sending over are delicious.”
You know what happened to the guy who chugged 8 Pepsis at once?
…He burped 7 up
“Did you take a shower, Dad?”
“Why, is there one missing?”
I tried to steal candy from a newborn baby.
He slapped my hand away. Turns out he wasn't born yesterday.
What do you call a prearranged rap battle?
A diss appointment.
I put adderall into my Ford Fiesta
Now it’s a Ford Focus
Imagine if Americans switched from pounds to kilograms overnight…
There would be mass confusion
Why do stadiums get hot after the game?
Because all the fans left.
How many people are dead in that graveyard?
All of ‘em, I hope!
There are two types of people. People who need closure
No text found
Saw a man standing on one leg at an ATM.
Confused, I asked him what he was doing… He said: “Just checking my balance.”
Most slutty costume for Halloween goes to?
That girl dressed up as my professor, she barely covered anything important.
Two men, Jim and John, are walking their dogs when they pass by a restaurant.
“Let’s go in and get something to eat,” Jim suggests. “We can’t,” responds John. “Don’t you see the sign says No Pets Allowed?” “Oh, that sign?” says Jim. “Don’t worry about it.” Taking out a pair of sunglasses, he walks up to the door. As he tries walking into the restaurant, the host says, “Sorry, no pets allowed.” “Can’t you see?” says Jim. “I am blind. This is my Seeing Eye dog.” “But it’s a Doberman pinscher. Who uses a Doberman pinscher as a Seeing Eye dog?” the host asks. “Oh,” Jim responds, “you must not have heard. This is the latest type of Seeing Eye dog. They do a very good job.” Seeing that it worked, John tries walking in with his Chihuahua. Even before he can open his mouth, the host says, “Don’t tell me that a Chihuahua is the latest type of Seeing Eye dog.” John responds angrily, “You mean they gave me a Chihuahua?”
Has anyone else noticed that it’s the comedians that are speaking the most sense these days?
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I’ve never actually seen someone use a newspaper to kill a spider, shoes work better
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Birthdays are good for your health
Studies have proven that people who have more of them live longer.
My friend said that all bartenders are boring, which was a bit cynical in my eyes.
I think they're intoxicating people.
Did you hear about the bed bugs who fell in love?
They're getting married in the spring.
What happened when the butcher backed into the meat grinder?
He got a little behind in his work.
Why was the Jack-o-Lantern sad on Halloween?
Because he felt empty inside
What’s the difference between in-laws and Outlaws?
Outlaws are wanted.
Did you hear about the frog that was raised by bunnies?
All it could say was "rabbit".
If Americans switched from pounds to kilograms overnight..
There would be mass confusion.
[NSFW] I told ya mom!
911, what's your emergency? "I'm masturbating too much" Sir, that's not really a problem. "One sec. DID YOU HEAR THAT MOM? NOW GET OFF MY CASE!
My grief counselor died recently
Clearly did a good job, because I didn't care