Hitler went to a fortune teller and asked her
“on what day will I die?” The fortune teller assured him that he would die on a Jewish holiday. “Why are you so sure of that?” demanded Hitler. “Any day”, she replied, “on which you die will be a Jewish holiday”.
What’s brown and swings from the belltower?
The lunch bag of Notre Dame
Petition to lock this sub once a week
Because there's no post on Sunday
Two days ago, I wanted to play hide and seek with kids but couldn’t
Good players are hard to find.
I’m terrified of random letters
me: i'm terrified of random letters therapist: you are? me: [screams] therapist: oh i see me: [screaming intensifies]
I just found out that my friend has a secret life as a priest.
It’s his altar ego.
I was going to put a joke on here about carpentry.
But i didn't think it wood work.
My girlfriend keeps accusing me of being a cheater
She's starting to sound like my wife
A man went into a library and asked for a book on how to commit suicide. The librarian said:
Fuck off, you won't bring it back
I used to be addicted to not showering…
I’m proud to say I’m officially clean!
My buddy is really upset at losing a promotion at work to an attractive, older woman.
I said, “Don’t cry over skilled MILF.”
Two antennas got married last weekend
It wasn’t much of a wedding but the reception was wonderful.
If all people were like Redditors, we would have a better planet
Because Recycling old shit is what Redditors do best . P.S.A – Do recycle ♻
The teacher teaches me about diffusion ten minutes later
Teacher: Oh my lord why are you sitting on the text books Me: I’m learning by diffusion
Commas can really change the meaning of a sentence.
For example: Ben is in a hurry. Vs Ben is in a comma
I wish I could be ugly for just 1 day
Because being ugly every day sucks… 🙁
A woman has twins and gives them up for adoption.
One of them goes to a family in Egypt and is named Amal. The other goes to a family in Spain. They name him Juan. Years later, Juan sends a picture of himself to his birth mother. Upon receiving the picture, she tells her husband that she wishes she also had a picture of Amal. He responds, "They're twins! If you've seen Juan, you've seen Amal."
Why did Karl Marx only write in lowercase?
Because he hated capitalism.
Why is Switzerland such a good country?
I’m not exactly sure, but their flag is a big plus.
My doctor just diagnosed me with very low blood pressure.
He prescribed two IKEA self assembly wardrobes.
To the man in the wheelchair that stole my camo jacket.
You can hide, but you can’t run.
What is a Cannibal?
Someone who is fed up with people.
I’m secretly a billionaire but I’m raising my kids as lower middle-class to not spoil them.
It's working perfectly. They're in their mid-forties and still don't know.
I ate a clock yesterday
it was very time consuming
I adopted a dog that used to belong to a blacksmith.
First thing he did when I got him home was make a bolt for the door.
Another ‘What am I?’
You can look me in the eyes, You will always see twelve. It'll drive you insane because back to front and upside down I look the same!
I called the doctor, “My Wife is going into labor! What should I do?”
“Is this her first child?” He asks. “No this is her Husband.”
Having children is a lot like making pancakes
The first one is always a bit weird, but you can always just eat it when no one is looking.
Why can’t Ganondorf surf the web?
Cause there's too many Links
It’s hardly known this, but one of Shakespeare’s characters actually died at childbirth.
It was Othello… and then Othgoodbye.
A man entered his home and discovered that someone had stolen every single lamp present in the house.
He was absolutely delighted.
I’m a 40-year old with the body of a 20-year old.
Just need to find a place to bury her.
My friend can’t afford to pay his water bill anymore.
So I sent him a card, “Get well soon.”
If you cannot find your dog, open the fridge door.
He’s standing right behind you.
There are 10 kinds of people in the world.Those who understand binary and those who dont.
https://ift.tt/37g9Ztt
I cant take My dog to the pond anymore cuz the geese keep attacking him.
I guess thats whats I deserve for having a Pure bread dog
I made a graph showing my past relationships
It has an ex-axis and a why-axis
My sister called my dad today to ask if there’s any history of glaucoma on his side of the family.
My dad: “None that I’ve seen!”
Neodymium doped Glass changes color depending on the wavelength of the light hitting it.
https://ift.tt/2NXvk2L
