*Hits blunt*
I just discovered that the word “nothing” is a palindrome…
Backwards it spells "gnihton", which also means nothing.
I just broke two of my dad’s old Queen records
Now I want to break three.
Has anyone ever had a glass snake as a pet?
I had one once, it was a real pane in the grass to catch though…
I had to quit my last job, all I did was test soft drinks
It was just soda grading
Who can drink 2 liters of gasoline
Jerry can
A married couple was in a terrible accident…
A married couple was in a terrible accident where the woman's face was severely burned. The doctor told the husband that they couldn't graft any skin from her body because she was too skinny. So the husband offered to donate some of his own skin. However, the only skin on his body that the doctor felt was suitable would have to come from his buttocks. The husband and wife agreed that they would tell no one about where the skin came from, and requested that the doctor also honor their secret. After all, this was a very delicate matter. After the surgery was completed, everyone was astounded at the woman's new beauty. She looked more beautiful than she ever had before! All her friends and relatives just went on and on about her youthful beauty! One day, she was alone with her husband, and she was overcome with emotion at his sacrifice. She said, "Dear, I just want to thank you for everything you did for me. There is no way I could ever repay you." "My darling," he replied, "think nothing of it. I get all the thanks I need every time I see your mother kiss you on the cheek."
When you realize your coke baggie is stuck to your phone during a family photo
https://ift.tt/2ocMz5Y
Kentuckians
After their 11th child, a Kentucky couple decided that was enough, as they could not afford a larger bed. So, the husband went to his veterinarian and told him that he and his cousin didn't want to have any more children. The doctor told him that there was a procedure called a vasectomy that could fix the problem but that it was expensive. 'A less costly alternative,' said the doctor, 'is to go home, get a cherry bomb, (fireworks are legal in Kentucky) light it, put it in a beer can, then hold the can up to your ear and count to 10. The Kentuckian said to the doctor, 'I may not be the smartest tool in the shed, but I don't see how putting a cherry bomb in a beer can next to my ear is going to help me. ''Trust me,' said the doctor. So, the man went home, lit a cherry bomb and put it in a beer can. He held the can up to his ear and began to count! "1" "2" "3" “4” "5," at which point he paused, placed the beer can between his legs and continued counting on his other hand. This procedure also works in Tennessee, Louisiana, Arkansas, Mississippi, Parts of Georgia, Missouri, West Virginia, and all of Washington DC.
Lately, I’ve been really afraid of elevators.
I've been taking steps to avoid them.
Husband and Wife
A woman awakes during the night to find that her husband was not in their bed. She puts on her robe and goes downstairs to look for him. She finds him sitting at the kitchen table with a cup of coffee in front him. He appears deep in thought, just staring at the wall. She watches as he wipes a tear from his eye and takes a sip of coffee. "What's the matter, dear?" she whispers as she steps into the room. "Why are you down here at this time of night?" The husband looks up, "Do you remember 20 years ago when we were dating, and you were only 17?" he asks solemnly. The wife is touched thinking her husband is so caring and sensitive. "Yes, I do," she replies. The husband pauses. The words are not coming easily. "Do you remember when you father caught us in the back seat of my car?" "Yes, I remember," says the wife, lowering herself into a chair beside him. The husband continues…"Do you remember when he shoved a shotgun in my face and said, "Either you marry my daughter, or I will send you to jail for 20 years". "I remember that too", she replies softly. He wipes another tear from his cheek and says… "I would have gotten out today!"
Why is “yacht” spelled that way instead of like “yot?”
Because why nacht.
What does the bra say to the hat?
You go on a head, I'll give these two a lift.
A Kung Fu student asks his teacher, “Master, why does my ability not improve? I’m always defeated.” And the master, pensive and forever patient, answers…
"My dear pupil, have you seen the gulls flying by the setting sun and their wings seeming like flames?" "Yes, my master, I have." "And a waterfall, spilling mightly over the stones without taking anything out of its proper place?" "Yes, my master, I have witnessed it." "And the moon, when it touches the calm water to reflect all its enormous beauty?" "Yes, my master, I have also seen this marvelous phenomenon." "That is the problem. You keep watching all this stuff instead of training!"
A Mexican magician said that he could disappear on the count of three. He started “unos, dos..”
But then he disappeared without a tres…
So I hear they are going to start using bio diesel made from herbs for trains…..
….maybe ours will now run on Thyme.
My kid asked today where I learned to make ice-cream
I answered 'in sundae school', he laugh-snorted, my wife gave me the look we all know here.
There once was a man from Kent
whose dick was so long that it bent. So to save him some trouble, he tucked it in double, and so instead of coming, he went. Do limericks count as jokes?
Me: Sweet dog you got there
Policeman: Yes, this is our new drug-sniffing dog. Me: Still in training, huh? Policeman: What do you mean? Me: Nevermind
What kind of car does someone visiting Norway drive?
A Fjord Tourist.
I had sex with a blind girl yesterday
She said, “You have the biggest penis I’ve ever put my hands on.” I said, “Nah. Your just pulling my leg.”
What do flies do at church?
Flyspray
What do you call children born in whorehouses?
Brothel sprouts.
My girlfriend said she didn’t think it was possible to seriously injure yourself by masturbating
But I managed to pull it off.
Met a beautiful girl at the park today..
Sparks flew, she fell at my feet and we ended up having sex there and then. God, I love my new Taser.
What do you call fifteen rabbits hopping backwards?
A receding hareline.
I hear it’s easy to get ladies not to eat Tide pods
It's more difficult to deter gents though
When Beethoven passed away, he was buried in a churchyard.
A couple days later, the town drunk was walking through the cemetery and heard some strange noise coming from the area where Beethoven was buried. Terrified, the drunk ran and got the priest to come and listen to it. The priest bent close to the grave and heard some faint, unrecognizable music coming from the grave. Frightened, the priest ran and got the town magistrate. When the magistrate arrived, he bent his ear to the grave, listened for a moment, and said, "Ah, yes, that's Beethoven's Ninth Symphony, being played backwards." He listened a while longer, and said, "There's the Eighth Symphony, and it's backwards, too. Most puzzling." So the magistrate kept listening; "There's the Seventh… the Sixth… the Fifth…" Suddenly the realization of what was happening dawned on the magistrate; he stood up and announced to the crowd that had gathered in the cemetery, "My fellow citizens, there's nothing to worry about. It's just Beethoven decomposing."
Jesus saw a crying old man while walking in a desert.
He came closer and asked what problem is. Old man: I’m looking for my son, but I’m gonna lose my hope. Jesus pitied the man and said, “let’s look for your son together.” After some time, Jesus asked him that if he has some birthmark or else to recognize him more easily. Yes, said the old man. “He had nails driven on his hands and feet.” Jesus started and hugged the man, saying “FATHER!” The old man screamed happily, “PINOCCHIO!”
Bought a dog from a blacksmith and as soon as I got it home…
…it made a bolt for the door.
I dated a twin once…
I once dated a twin. My friend asked me how I told them apart. I said Stacy has a beauty mark on her right cheek. And Frank has a beard.
Why do pirates love this subreddit?
It be the best place to exchange stolen content for gold.
You know what I said to the salesman today who tried to sell me a coffin?
That's the last thing I need.
I had my picture taken with the band R.E.M. once…
That's me in the corner.