Hitting a little too close to home
When I asked for nuns?
i was like OMg
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By removing the S.
She always said she wanted a night in, shining armor…
You never turn your back on family.
to a temporary tattoo parlour to get a tattoo. After it wouldn't wash off this morning I went back to complain, but the tattoo parlour wasn't there.
… guess you could say he sleighed it
I relabeled all of the jars in my wife's spice rack. I'm not in trouble yet, but the thyme is a cumin.
All of them. Never split the party.
Grumpy, seems a little worried and he keeps asking the pontiff questions about the church, and in particular, nuns. "Your Holiness, do you have any really short nuns?" "No, my son, all our nuns are at least five feet tall." "Are you sure? I mean, you wouldn't have any nuns that are, say, about my height? Maybe a little shorter?" "I'm afraid not. Why do you ask?" "No reason." Pause. "Positive? Nobody in a habit that's about three feet tall or two and a half feet tall?" "I'm sure." "Okay." Grumpy looks dejected at this news, and the pope wonders why. So he listens to the dwarfs as they leave the building. "What'd he say? What'd he say?" asks Happy. Grumpy says, "He said they don't have any." And the Happy starts shouting, "Grumpy fucked a penguin! Grumpy fucked a penguin! Grumpy fucked a penguin!"….
He asks God, "How do you get a girl's number in Auschwitz? Roll up her sleeve." God doesn't laugh. The Jew shrugs and says, "Eh. I guess you had to be there to understand".
Because he doesn’t want to be spotted.
Not what you are thinking.
Husband: Hi Pregnant, I’m Dad Wife: No you’re not.
I went to the Walmart today , and I was there for literally 5 minutes. When I came out there was a state trooper writing a parking ticket for being in a handicap spot. So I went up to him and said, "Come on, buddy, how about giving a guy a break?" He ignored me and continued writing the ticket. So I called him a pencil-necked cop. He glared at me and started writing another ticket for worn tires! So I then asked him if his psychiatrist makes him lie face down on the couch cause he's so ugly. He finished the second ticket and put it on the windshield with the first. Then he started writing a third ticket! This went on until he had placed 5 tickets on the winshield… the more I insulted him, the more tickets he wrote. I didn't care. My car was parked around the corner.
“I’m thinking about tossing a $100 bill out the window and making someone very happy.” A White House aide comments, “Why don’t you throw twenty $100 bills out the window and make twenty people happy?” Another staffer jokes, “Why don’t you throw a hundred $100 bills out the window and make a hundred people happy?” A member of the plane staff, wanting to get in on the act, chimes in and says, “Why don’t you throw yourself out the window and make half the country happy?”
…have not followed up with a bodywash called, "Knees and toes."
He walks over to her and says, "Wow, nice legs!" She is flattered and replies, "You really think so?" The man says, "Oh definitely! Most tables would have collapsed by now."
"you mean a choir?" Fine… How much does it cost to "acquire" a large singing group?
My son came up to me and said, “can I have a bookmark?” I started crying, 10 years and he still doesn’t know my name is brad.
Because he conditioned it.
The former is a ladder, while the latter is a former.
“Now you’re SUPER ANGRY” Maybe she’ll laugh Maybe you’ll die
Pics are expected to prove supposed underground print version of famed forum made with "disappearing ink" a hoax.
But I will recover.
0% of my friends are Nazis, and thats a good percentage.
Sometimes he even laughs!
Until knight fall.
Neil before me.
Give it a weigh, give it a weigh, give it a weigh now!
I can never get a straight answer