Hitting that 500 words rule
What has 4 wheels and flies?
A garbage truck.
Went to a surgeon to have my spine removed…
It was just holding me back.
Saw this on my way home from work. Must be a one shoed sex worker out there somewhere.
https://ift.tt/2PzOg8J
I wish I could travel back to 99 and do this myself!
I wish I could travel back to 99 and do this myself!
There are 10 types of people in this world.
Those that understand binary, and those who don't.
Once I saw this guy on a bridge about to jump.
I said, "Don't do it!" He said, "Nobody loves me." I said, "God loves you. Do you believe in God?" He said, "Yes." I said, "Are you a Christian or a Jew?" He said, "A Christian." I said, "Me, too! Protestant or Catholic?" He said, "Protestant." I said, "Me, too! What franchise?" He said, "Baptist." I said, "Me, too! Northern Baptist or Southern Baptist?" He said, "Northern Baptist." I said, "Me, too! Northern Conservative Baptist or Northern Liberal Baptist?" He said, "Northern Conservative Baptist." I said, "Me, too! Northern Conservative Baptist Great Lakes Region, or Northern Conservative Baptist Eastern Region?" He said, "Northern Conservative Baptist Great Lakes Region." I said, "Me, too! Northern Conservative Baptist Great Lakes Region Council of 1879, or Northern Conservative Baptist Great Lakes Region Council of 1912?" He said, "Northern Conservative Baptist Great Lakes Region Council of 1912." I said, "Die, heretic!" And I pushed him over.
My wife is really mad at the fact that I have no sense of direction.
So I packed up my stuff and right.
Wife: Honey, I’m pregnant.
Husband: Hi Pregnant, I'm Dad. Wife: No you're not.
Figured out I was adopted the other day. Decided to confront my dad about it.
I told him "Dad, I found the paperwork. I know" Dad said "What paperwork? What did you find?" "I'm adopted" He replied "Hi adopted! I'm- oh, wait. Nevermind."
A teenage boy had just passed his driving test …
… and asked his father as to when they could discuss his use of the car. His father said he'd make a deal with his son, "You bring your grades up from a C to a B average, study your Bible a little and get your hair cut. Then we'll talk about the car" The boy thought about that for a moment, decided he'd settle for the offer and they agreed on it. After about six weeks his father said, "Son, you've brought your grades up and I've observed that you have been studying your Bible, but I'm disappointed you haven't had your hair cut." The boy said, "You know, Dad, I've been thinking about that, and I've noticed in my studies of the Bible that Samson had long hair, John the Baptist had long hair, Moses had long hair, and there's even strong evidence that Jesus had long hair.” The father responded, "Did you also notice that they all walked everywhere they went?"
If pigs could fly…
I bet their wings would taste delicious!
Why is an island like the letter T?
because it’s in the middle of water
Yesterday I went to temporary tattoo parlour and got a tattoo.
But It wouldn't wash off this morning, so I went back to complain, but the tattoo parlour wasn't there.
Ethnic joke…
An Englishman, a Scotsman, an Irishman, a Welshman, a Latvian, a Turk, a German, an Indian, several Americans (including a Hawaiian and an Alaskan), an Argentinean, a Dane, an Australian, a Slovak, an Egyptian, a Japanese, a Moroccan, a Frenchman, a New Zealander, a Spaniard, a Russian, a Guatemalan, a Colombian, a Pakistani, a Malaysian, a Croatian, a Uzbek, a Cypriot, a Pole, a Lithuanian, a Chinese, a Sri Lankan, a Lebanese, a Cayman Islander, a Ugandan, a Vietnamese, a Korean, a Uruguayan, a Czech, an Icelander, a Mexican, a Finn, a Honduran, a Panamanian, an Andorran, an Israeli, a Venezuelan, an Iranian, a Fijian, a Peruvian, an Estonian, a Syrian, a Brazilian, a Portuguese, a Liechtensteiner, a Mongolian, a Hungarian, a Canadian, a Moldovan, a Haitian, a Norfolk Islander, a Macedonian, a Bolivian, a Cook Islander, a Tajikistani, a Samoan, an Armenian, an Aruban, an Albanian, a Greenlander, a Micronesian, a Virgin Islander, a Georgian, a Bahaman, a Belarusian, a Cuban, a Tongan, a Cambodian, a Canadian, a Qatari, an Azerbaijani, a Romanian, a Chilean, a Jamaican, a Filipino, a Ukrainian, a Dutchman, a Ecuadorian, a Costa Rican, a Swede, a Bulgarian, a Serb, a Swiss, a Greek, a Belgian, a Singaporean, an Italian, a Norwegian and 2 Africans… … walk into a fine restaurant. "I'm sorry," says the maître d', after scrutinizing the group… "You can't come in here without a Thai."
Reddit should rename ‘share’ to ‘spreddit’, ‘delete’ to ‘shreddit’ and ‘karma’ to ‘creddit’.
Yet they haven't. I don't geddit. Eddit: Leddit be heard, thank you for the silver!
What’s better than Ted Danson?
Ted Singin and Dancin
I think my neighbor might be stalking me.
She's googled my name a few times, I saw it through my telescope last night
Walking is just teleportation…
but with extra steps!
Why do Vegans like to make their food look and taste like meat?
Same reason lesbians use strap-ons. They still like putting meat in their hole, but they don't like where real meat comes from.
What’s worse than an unanswered question?
No text found
A good romance starts with a foundation of trust and respect.
A bad romance starts with a rah rah rah-ah-ah, roma roma-ma gaga ooh la la.
I met a woman who said she was a huge Monkees fan
She told me she had collected every piece of merchandise ever made for the band. I was skeptical. Then I saw her place…
A duck is standing next to a busy road, cars zooming past while he waits for a break in traffic.
A chicken walks up to him and says "Don't do it, man you'll never hear the end of it.
A man walks in a bar and says: ‘I’d like 7 double wiskeys, please.’
The bartender nods and starts pouring 7 glasses of wiskey. As soon as the first glass is ready the man starts chugging, one glass after another. The bartender, dumbfounded, asks the man: 'Why are you drinking so fast?' The man awnsers: 'well, you would do the same as me, if you had what I have,' while chugging the last glass of wiskey. 'So, what is it that you have?' asks the bartender. The man: 'not a single penny'
Why did the can crusher quit his job ?
Because it was soda pressing
How does Bono spell “color”?
With or without "u"
Found out I was color blind the other day.
That one came right out of the orange.
My wife asked me to pick up some of those pills that help with getting an erection.
So I brought her home diet pills.
Algebra was the easiest subject to learn in Ancient Rome.
Because x was always 10.
What kind of grades did Tommy Wiseau get in school?
Oh, high marks
A weasel walks in to a bar. The bartender says “What can I get you?”
“Pop” goes the weasel.
Girl asked me if I want to do the threesome…
Well, if I were to disappoint two people at same time I'd go for a dinner with my parents edit: im sorry everyone for the notification stuff and all. like i mentioned in the comment, i heard this one in the bus, english isn't my native and tried to translate it from my language, i'm not on r/jokes really often, sorry!
What do you call someone who does a BA in Arts, a MA in English and a PhD in Gender Studies?
A well educated Barista
I bought a Christmas tree today.
The shopkeeper asked if I was going to put it up myself. I said “no, it’s going in the living room”.
I’m really excited about the new movie about tractors that is coming out soon.
I just saw the trailer.
To the one who stole my glasses,
I'll find you. I have contacts.