HMB
Why did Episodes 4, 5 and 6 come out before 1, 2 and 3?
In charge of scheduling Yoda was.
Not all math puns are bad…
Just sum…
People say I’m a plagiarist…
Their words, not mine.
Damn girl are you a redditor?
Cause you just keep repeating the same shit
May the 4th be with you for today, but remember….
Tomorrow will be Revenge of the 5th
Does this creepy lighter that I found in an antique shop today count as Boomer Humor?
https://ift.tt/37jjVAQ
The abundance mating signals girls give off if they like you.
https://youtu.be/yFY_uOb7bRk
There’s alot of panic regarding the E.Coli outbreak in North America.
But I think people should romaine calm.
My wife caught me cross dressing and told me it was over.
So I packed all her clothes and left.
Steve jobs would have been a better president than Donald Trump
But it’s a silly comparison really, it’s like comparing Apples to Oranges.
What do you call a cheap cicumcision?
A rip off.
A shop assistant fiercely fought off an armed robber with his labelling gun, yesterday.
Police are now looking for a man and say there's a price on his head
Whats the story with the building?
I've heard there is 8 stories.
Have I discovered the only boomer comic that doesn’t shame millennials/zoomers?
https://ift.tt/2u1Pst7
I knew a mathematician who couldn’t afford lunch…
He could binomial!
White people are always annoyed that only black people can say the n word, but white people have some phrases only they can say too
Things like “Hi Dad!” and “Thanks for the warning, officer.”
Today a man knocked on my door and asked for a small donation towards the local swimming pool
I gave him a glass of water
What did the mute man say to the bartender?
No text found
Becoming White
A 5 year old African American wanted to see what it was like to be white so he covered himself in sugar. He went up to his mother and said “look mama I’m a white boy now!” and she punches him in the face and he then goes to his father and says “look pops I’m a white boy now!” and he takes off his belt and beats him with it. Finally, he goes to his grandma and says “Grandma, I’m a white boy now!” and she slaps him across the face and asks the boy “How does it feel to be white now?” He responds by saying “I’ve been white for 5 minutes and I already hate black people.”
There’s a man sitting at a bar just looking at his drink…
He stays like that for half an hour. Then, a big trouble-making truck driver steps next to him, takes the drink from the guy, and just drinks it all down. The poor man starts crying. The truck driver says, "Come on man, I was just joking. Here, I'll buy you another drink. I just can't stand seeing a man crying." "No, it's not that. This day is the worst of my life. First, I fall asleep, and I'm late to my office. My boss, in an outrage, fires me. When I leave the building to my car, I found out it was stolen. The police say they can do nothing. I get a cab to return home and when I leave it, I remember I left my wallet and credit cards there. The cab driver just drives away. I go home and when I get there, I find my wife sleeping with the gardener. I leave home and come to this bar. And when I was thinking about putting an end to my life, you show up and drink my poison."
I believe a lot of conflict in the Wild West could have been avoided completely…
…if cowboy architects had just made their towns big enough for everyone.
Why can’t dyslexics tell jokes?
They always punch up the fuck line
Whether you acknowledge it or not, it’s still true. Like… creation vs. evolution.
https://ift.tt/3aCVqAn
What washes up on tiny beaches?
Microwaves
Why is Waldo’s shirt striped
Because he doesn’t want to be spotted
The Only Thing Flat-Earthers Fear…
is sphere itself.
Wife is pregnant
Wife- I’m pregnant Husband- Hi pregnant, I’m dad Wife- No, you’re not
A man is walking home alone late one foggy night
When behind him he hears: BUMP… BUMP… BUMP… Walking faster, he looks back and makes out the image of an upright casket banging its way down the middle of the street towards him. BUMP… BUMP… BUMP… Terrified, the man begins running home, the casket bouncing quickly behind him. FASTER FASTER BUMP… BUMP… BUMP… He runs up to his door, fumbles with his keys, opens the door, and slams it shut and locks it behind him. However, the casket crashes through the door, with the lid of the casket clacking Clapity-BUMP… Clapity-BUMP… Clapity-BUMP… on his heels, the terrified man runs. Rushing upstairs in the bathroom, the man locks himself in. His heart is pounding; his head is reeling; his breath is coming in sobbing gasps. With a loud CRASH the casket breaks down the door. Bumping and clapping towards him A man screams and reaches for something, anything, but all he can find is a bottle of cough syrup! Desperate, he throws the bottle of cough syrup at the casket and… The coffin stops.
I keep asking people what LGBTQ+ stands for,
But I can never get a straight answer.
Trying to write some clean jokes about bowling balls
but they keep ending up in the gutter.
My lesbian neighbors gave me a Rolex for my birthday.
I guess they misunderstood me when I said I wanna watch.
A buddy once asked me if I’ve ever stuck it in her
…you know, "other hole". I said that's dumb because she might get pregnant.
My wife gets mad when I steal her kitchen utensils…
But that’s a whisk I’m willing to take.