Hmm đ¤
If you aren’t impressed with the picture of the first Black Hole
you clearly don't understand the gravity of the situation
Why can’t a transgender see their father?
Because he is transparent
Why did Tesla read newspapers?
To know about current events.
Job interviewer: Where do you see yourself in 5 years?
Me: I would say my biggest weakness is listening.
A leaf and an emo fall from a tree. Who hits the ground first?
The leaf. The rope stopped the emo.
Whatâs the difference between swine flu and bird flu?
Swine Flu requires oinkment and Bird Flu requires Tweetment
Maybe we can relate to the youth better by putting a cartoon about gadgets in a textbook!
https://ift.tt/2P1Qygl
Four men are stranded with nothing but cigarettes on a boat with no way to light them
So they throw one cigarette off board, and the whole boat becomes a cigarette lighter
A new strain of lice is going around that is resistant to conventional treatments.
That has left scientists scratching their heads.
I entered myself in a Most Beautiful Boner contest.
The competition was pretty stiff.
I used to be addicted to soap
But I'm clean now.
If Mississippi gave Missouri her New Jersey to wear at the fair, what will Delaware?
I don't know but Alaska.
What kind of cell phone did the pirate have?
An AyyyyePhone
What do you call a witch that only eats sand?
Malnourished.
I saw 2 guys wearing matching outfits,
and I asked if they were gay. They arrested me.
People in Germany were hoarding sausage and cheese due to the pandemic,
It was the wurst käse scenario.
My 6-year old nephew asked me to share his joke with my Internet friends, so enjoy!
Q: Why did the window frame hurt? A: It had window pains!
If the opposite of âproâ is âconâ,
Then the opposite of âprogressâ is âCongressâ (Dads can be woke too)
My friend said, âYou have a B.A., Masterâs, and a Ph.D., but you still act like an idiot!â
It was a third degree burn.
One day, an old woman was walking with two big plastic bags.
One of the bags had a small tear, and 20$ bills kept on falling from the bag. A policeman saw this and he stopped her. Policeman: Madam, you are dropping 20$ bills Old lady: Oh thank you so much, sir. ( Starts picking up the bills ) Policeman: Btw, where did you get all of this money? Did you steal? Old lady: Well, it's a long story. You see, what happened was, my house is next to a golf course. There is a hole on my fence. People keep coming and they pee in my garden from the hole. One day, I thought why not take this opportunity to make some money? So when they start pissing, I grab their penis and tell them to give 20$ bills or I will chop it off! This is how I earned these 20$ bills, officer. Policeman: Good to know. By the way, what's in the other bag? Old lady: Well not all of them pay.
What comes out if you cross a mosquito and an elephant?
I dunno but I really do hope that thing doesn't bite…
Why did the skeleton not go to the party?
He had no body to go with
I phoned my work this morning and said, âSorry boss, I canât come in today, I have a wee cough.â
He said, âYou have a wee cough?â I said, âReally? Thanks boss, see you next week!â
My wife asked me if “I was listening to her?!”
Strange way to start a conversation….
How to fall down the stairs
Step 1 Step 2 Step 3 Step 6 Step 12 Step 24
I bought the worldâs worst thesaurus yesterday.
Not only is it terrible, itâs terrible.
Today I was awakened with oral sex
.It is dangerous to sleep with your mouth open on the subway.
Doctor, Doctor! I’m terrified of words that are also letters!
Oh you are? I see. Why?
What is Yodaâs last name?
Layheehoo
Why did man invent curling?
To convince women sweeping was a sport.
What do you call a dinosaurs penis ?
Megalodong
Did you hear about the baby strawberry?
Itâs parents were in a jam.
I can make the boss give me the day off.
Two factory workers are talking. The woman says, "I can make the boss give me the day off." The man replies, "And how would you do that?" The woman says, "Just wait and see." She then hangs upside-down from the ceiling. The boss comes in and says, "What are you doing?" The woman replies, "I'm a light bulb." The boss then says, "You've been working so much that you've gone crazy. I think you need to take the day off." The man starts to follow her and the boss says, "Where are you going?" The man says, "I'm going home, too. I can't work in the dark."
In the year 2000, Putin was elected President of Russia…
The night after he was sworn into office, Vladimir Putin had a dream. In it, he stood in a long, elegant hall, and was surrounded by all of the great leaders of Russia, from Ivan the Terrible to Boris Yeltsin. Looking around at them all, he eventually bows his head and says: "Great rulers of Russia, I seek your wisdom in our country's time of need. How should I lead it to greater prosperity?" The leaders all turn, looking towards a shorter man towards the front: Joseph Stalin. He steps forward, and says to Putin: "Here are the two things that you must do. First, gather up all the Democrat politicians and have them shot. Second, paint the outside of the Kremlin blue." Putin looks back at Stalin, incredulously. "Blue?! Why would I paint the Kremlin blue?" Stalin cracks a smile, and then howls with laughter. Turning towards the rest of the men, he proudly proclaims, "See? I told you he wouldn't ask about the first one!"
