Hmm…
Instead of a swear jar, I have a negativity jar. Every time I have pessimistic thoughts, I put a dollar in…
It’s currently half empty…
what do vegan zombies eat?
GRAAAIIINSSS!!!
What happened in Hong Kong this week?
According to Beijing, it's as calm as a June Summer's day in Tiananmen Square.
An alter boy walks in on a priest…
A young alter boy walks in on a priest masturbating, confused he asks the priest "what are you doing father?" The priest replies "don't worry my son it's natural, you will be doing it soon" "but why father?" the alter boy returns The priest exclaims "because my arm is getting tired!"
If i had a dollar for every girl that didn’t find me attractive,
they'd eventually find me attractive.
TeamTrees reached their goal of 20,000,000 trees planted on the same day Trump got impeached.
Now millions of people can breathe easier.
My wife just yelled at me, “You haven’t listened to a single word I’ve said”
I thought that was a pretty odd way to start a conversation
Doctor: Hi, my name is Juan, and I’ll be delivering your baby.
Dad: OB Juan, you’re our only hope.
This year’s Fibonacci celebrations are going to be huge
As big as the previous two combined
During this pandemic I’m buying lots of stocks.
Beef stock, chicken stock, fish stock. Soon I'm going to be a bouillon-ere!
Teachers said I’d never be any good at poetry because I’m dyslexic.
Well I’ve had the last laugh because I've just made two jugs and a vase.
Reverend, Have You Been Drinking?
Reverend: Just water officer. Police: Why do I smell wine? Reverend: Good lord he’s done it again
What’s Irish and stays out all night?
Patty O’Furniture
Why was Pavlov’s hair so soft?
He conditioned it
What do you call an alligator in a vest
An investigator
My American friend, Alfred, asked, “What is your favourite shampoo truck?”
I said ,"Lorry, Al."
I told my boyfriend we could watch a porn for his birthday and do everything that we saw in the video…
He was super psyched, until I fucked the pizza guy.
My wife emailed me a photo of our first date together, but I couldn’t open the file.
I have trouble with emotional attachments.
Nothing’s better than being 2, 3, 5, 7, 11, 13, 17, 19, 23, 29, 31, 37, 41, 43, 47, 53, 59, 61, 67, 71, 73, 79, 83, 89, or 97 years old
Those are the years you’re in your prime
Two hillbillies walk into a restaurant. While having a bite to eat, they talk about their moonshine operation.
Suddenly, a woman eating a sandwich at a nearby table begins to cough. After a minute or so, it becomes apparent that she is in real distress. One of the hillbillies looks at her and says: "Kin ya swallar?"The woman shakes her head no. Then he asks: "Kin ya breathe?"The woman begins to turn blue and shakes her head no. The hillbilly walks over to the woman, lifts up her dress, yanks down her drawers, and quickly gives her right butt cheek a lick with his tongue. The woman is so shocked that she has a violent spasm, and the obstruction flies out of her mouth. As she begins to breathe again, the hillbilly walks slowly back to his table. His partner says: "Ya know, I'd heerd of that there 'Hind Lick Maneuver' but I never seed nobody done it."
I know a kid who was born without eyelids. His parents decided to have him circumcised and used his foreskin as a skin graft for his eyelids. The surgery went really well….
…. although afterwards he was a bit cockeyed.
Murphy calls to see his mate, Paddy, who is bedridden with a broken leg.
Paddy says, "Me feet are freezing mate, could you nip upstairs and get me slippers?" "No bother," he says, and he runs upstairs and there are Paddy's two stunningly beautiful 19 year old twin daughters sat on their beds. "Hello there girls, your dad sent me up here to fuck ya both." "Fuck off you liar!" "I'll prove it," Murphy says. So he shouts down the stairs, "Both of them, Paddy?" "Of course, what's the use of fucking one?"
White people don’t shoot each other in the streets like black people do.
We do it in schools, because we have class.
How to tell if your rich
When a cop pulls you over, he tells you a joke.
What did Cinderella say when her photos got lost in the mail?
"I wonder when my prints will come…"
The waiter had a spoon in his pocket
Last week, we took some friends out to a new restaurant, and noticed that the waiter who took our order carried a spoon in his shirt pocket. It seemed a little strange. When the waiter brought our water and cutlery, I noticed he also had a spoon in his shirt pocket. Then I looked around and saw that all the staff had spoons in their pockets. When the waiter came back to serve our soup I asked, "Why the spoon?" "Well, "he explained, "the restaurant’s owners hired Andersen Consulting to revamp all our processes. After several months of analysis, they concluded that the spoon was the most frequently dropped piece of cutlery. It represents a drop frequency of approximately 3 spoons per table per hour. If our staff are better prepared, we can reduce the number of trips back to the kitchen and save 15 man-hours per shift." As luck would have it, I dropped my spoon and he was able to replace it with his spare. "I’ll get another spoon next time I go to the kitchen instead of making an extra trip to get it right now." I was impressed. I also noticed that there was a string hanging out of the waiter’s zip on his trousers. Looking around, I noticed that all the waiters had the same string hanging from their flies. So before he walked off, I asked the waiter, "Excuse me, but can you tell me why you have that string right there?" "Oh, certainly!" Then he lowered his voice. "Not everyone is so observant. That consulting firm I mentioned also found out that we can save time in the rest-room. By tying this string to the tip of you know what, we can pull it out without touching it and eliminate the need to wash our hands, shortening the time spent in the rest-room by 76.39 per cent." I asked "After you get it out, how do you put it back?" "Well," he whispered, "I don’t know about the others, but I use the spoon."
Did you hear about the chameleon who couldn’t change colour?
He had a reptile dysfunction
My wallet is like an onion
When I open it, it makes me cry.
A police officer just pulled me over. The officer came up to my window and said “papers?”
I yelled “scissors, I win!” and drove off. He’s been chasing me for 45 minutes now… I'm pretty sure he wants a rematch.
What do you call a line of blonde people?
A barbie queue
So I decided to start giving beginner bass lessons.
In the first lesson I taught my first student the first 5 notes on the lowest string, and then the next week I taught him the first 5 notes on the next string. But the next week he didn't turn up. The week after that, he showed up and I said to him, "dude where were you last week?" to which he replied "I had a gig"
My three year old girl asked me
"Where does poo come from?" I was a little uncomfortable but decided to give her an honest explanation. So I said, "You just ate breakfast, yes?" "Yes." she replied. "Well, the food goes into our tummies and our bodies take out all the good stuff, and then whatever is left over comes out of our bums when we go to the toilet, and that is poo." She looked a little perplexed, and stared at me in stunned silence for a few seconds and asked, "And Tigger?"
I tell dad jokes sometimes
He laughs
TIL After Nigeria was unable to win any medals in this year’s Olympics, the Nigerian Sports Minister personally offered to refund all the expenses of fans that traveled to Brazil
He said he just needs their bank details and pin numbers to complete the transaction.
[NSFW] So my friend pays someone every month…
[…] to pee on him whenever he wants. It's his monthly streaming service.
What room do ghosts avoid?
The living room
My wife is furious at our next door neighbor who sunbathes nude in her backyard.
Personally I’m on the fence.