Hmm
My wife offered me a blowjob today.
‘Really’ I said ‘No, April fooaarrrrglegargle’ That’ll teach her to be funny
I keep hearing music coming from the printer.
I think the paper is jamming.
If the person who named walkie-talkies also named other things…
Stamp – licky-sticky Defibrillator – hearty-starty Bumble bee – fuzzy-buzzy Fork – stabby-grabby Socks – feety-heaties Nightmare – screamy-dreamy Tennis racket – stringy-swingy Cactus – pricky-sticky Squid – squishy-fishy Horror film – thrashy-slashy Whisky – stinky-drinky Wasp – stingy-wingy Parrot – wordie-birdie Auto-correct – writey-righty Lifejacket – boaty-coaty
Hitler’s Game
During the Second World War hitler and his troops storm into a village and gather the people in the village to the square. Hitler wanted to shoot the people there but decided it was too boring. He came up with a game where the wifes would need to identify her man only by touching his dick. If she failed at this game, Hitler would kill her whole family. He ordered his troops to seperate them and put blindfolds on the women and open the dicks of the men. They call the first women to play the game, she goes "not mine, not mine, not mine, not mine, aah yes that one". She saves her husband and family. Next women comes "not mine, nope, no chance thats mine, nop, aha yes this is him". She also saves her family. This goes on for a couple more rounds and nobody dies, Hitler gets bored. To add some excitement he orders couple of his men to join the group, and then calls in the next women. She goes "not this, nope, not mine" then the turn comes to the soldier and she furiously shouts "Who the fuck is this?!"
“Doc, all my 5 kids want to be valets when they grow up!”
Doctor: WOW! That’s the worst case of parking son’s disease I’ve ever seen.
A thief broke into my house last night looking for money…
So I got out of bed to look with him…
My wife just left me because I’m too insecure…
Never mind. She just came back. She went to get a cup of coffee.
The school phoned me today and said, “Your son’s been telling lies.”
I replied, "Well, tell him he's bloody good – I ain't got any kids!"
Yoda and Obi Wan in a space ship
Obi wan asks: "are we going the right way?" Yoda answers: "off course, we are"
Why don’t zombies eat popcorn with their fingers?
They prefer to eat their fingers separately.
They’ve just found Jeffery Epstein’s diary.
His last entry was about twelve years old.
What do you call a person who doesn’t wash his hands after pooping?
Arnold from marketing on the 7th floor. Fuck you dude, that’s disgusting. I know you sort by new and can see this. Wash your hands and Lysol your keyboard.
Three teenagers are walking along the side of a canal…
They notice some men in suits moving frantically around a drowning man. The three teenagers jump in and save the drowning person only to realize that it’s President Trump. Once everyone has recovered, the President thanks them for saving him. He offers each teenager one wish within his powers. The first teenager says that his father was wrongfully convicted and now sits on death row. Everyone knows it, but all of his appeals have been used up. His one wish is to have his father pardoned. Trump asks the kid for the name of his father and the pardon will be put through. The second teenager wants nothing more than to attend a military academy, like many other members of his family, but his grades aren’t good enough. Trump has the teenager give his information to one of the Secret Service agents and he’ll get into the academy of his choice. The third teenager asks to be buried at Arlington National Cemetery. Trump points out that this is a very unusual request. One of his friends is trying to save his father and the other wants to serve his country. Why is he asking for something so morbid? The teenager replies, “When my parents find out I saved you, they’re going to kill me.”
I have so many jokes about Unemployed people
But sadly none of them work.
Love is like a fart
If you have to force it it’s probably shit.
What do you get when a cow jumps over a barbed wire fence?
An udder disaster
A doctor flirted with me today. She said that I am too sweet.
Her exact words were "severely diabetic", but I know what she meant.
My wife’s mother is a lawyer.
I have a mother-in-law.
What are a spy’s favorite shoes?
Sneakers
I have a friend who really loves to count.
I wonder what he’s up to?
Do you know 1 Comment 1 Upvote will empower your body and you will able to fly in the future
Do you know 1 Comment 1 Upvote will empower your body and you will able to fly in the future
This is the dirty joke my 85yo grandad told to our whole family by memory
A male whale and a female whale were swimming off the coast of Japan when they noticed a whaling ship. The male whale recognized it as the same ship that had harpooned his father many years earlier. He said to the female whale, "Lets both swim under the ship and blow out of our air holes at the same time and it should cause the ship to turn over and sink." They tried it and sure enough, the ship turned over and quickly sank. Soon however, the whales realized the sailors had jumped overboard and were swimming to the safety of shore. The male was enraged that they were going to get away and told the female, "Let's swim after them and gobble them up before they reach the shore." At this point, he realized the female was becoming reluctant to follow him. "Look," she said, "I went along with the blow job, but I absolutely refuse to swallow the seamen." Edit: I think it's bad that I'm more excited watching this get ups that I was about the whole of Christmas
ISO Halloween Jokes
Thank You.
How do dancers ensure job continuity during the Covid crisis?
They twerk from home.
You know what really makes my day?
The rotation of the earth
Why did the stadium get hot after the game?
Because all the fans left
Why did the slave go to college?
So he could pickup his Master’s degree…
I’m so happy I don’t drive
Especially with all this car owner virus going around
I told my wife that she drew her eyebrows a little high when she did her makeup today.
She looked surprised.
An older man walks into a bar wearing a stovepipe hat, a waistcoat and a phony beard…
He sits down and orders a drink. As the bartender sets it down, he asks, "Going to a party?" "Yeah, a costume party." the man answers. "I'm supposed to come dressed as my love life." "But you look like Abe Lincoln!" protests the bartender. "That's right. My last four scores were seven years ago."
Take 4 and subtract 2 from it. What’s left?
The opposite of right
A priest, a lawyer and a rabbi walk into a bar
The bartender asks "Is this a joke?"