Hmm…Adidas, Reebok, or Puma…What do you guys think?
My partner thinks Adidas, but I think Reebok is a good name for a baby boy.
another from my dad’s facebook
I wrote the names of everyone I’ve unfriended onto a piece of paper;
but my roommate took it and rolled it into a joint. Now he’s high on my list of people I never want to see again.
Actually it’s CANT read*
The economy is doing great
What did the cold and angry man have for dinner?
Was gonna make a pun but it was wheel bad…
Old formats are 69
An old, gross joke about deer hunting
This ancient joke pre-dates the Internet. It is from the South and is best told with a southern accent. I was deer hunting in the mountains of North Carolina. After about four hours I shot a nice 400lb buck. While I was hauling the dear back to my truck, I was stopped by the game warden, he wanted to see my hunting permit. I showed him my N.C. permit, after which he proceeded to stick his finger up the deer's asshole. He pulled his finger out and smelled it. The warden told me that the deer was a Virgina deer, and he wanted to see my Virgina permit. I had hunted in Norfork, Virgina about two months ago, so I looked through my wallet and showed him my Virgina permit. He was very upset because he got some enjoyment from handing out fines to hunters without permits. About one week later I was out hunting again on the same property. I was in a tree stand for almost seven hours before I spotted my first deer. I had a clean shot, and popped the deer right in the neck. While taking the deer back to my truck, the same perverted warden came up and insisted he be allowed to inspect the deer. He stuck his finger right up the deer's ass and then smelled and licked his finger. I was about to throw up. He told me that the deer was from South Carolina and he wanted my S.C. permit. I ran back to my truck and got the S.C. permit out of my glove compartment. This time the warden seemed even more upset then he did the last time. Of course he could not give me a ticket and he had to let me go. I shot three more deers during the rest of the season, and every time he did the same thing. He stuck his finger up the deer's butt and told me that I needed I license from Georgia, Alabama, and then West Virgina. I had a permit for every state. He was so mad when I showed him my permit from West Virgina, I thought he was going to kill me. He said " Boy, you got a permit for every damn state in the South, Where the hell you from?" I pulled down my pants and bent over, and then told the warden, "why don't you tell me!"
Guvmeant gonna steal muh freedoms and identity
I’m more curious about the spectators..
After watching me read “War and Peace”, my son asked me, “Dad, why is the book so thick?”
Me: Well, it’s ……a long story.
How to wear Australian made face mask
A particle AND a wave
The kids asked what was for dinner and I told them “Scraps”. They started crying. Spoiled brats, it’s really hard to get food at the moment thanks to the panic buying.
And it was a stupid name for a dog anyway.
I got my best friend a fridge for his birthday
I can’t wait to see his face light up when he opens it
What do you call the wooden Batman?
The people from Stockholm in Sweden must really love it there
They never seem to leave
I hope Death is a woman
That way it will never come for me
George figured out how to enforce social distancing!
I picture him cracking this joke in heaven
Google is your friend
No pressure at all
Last night my wife and I watched three movies back to back.
Luckily I was the one facing the tv
If your iPhone runs out of charge…
Does that mean you are out of apple juice?
Insert random title.
I tell dad jokes
Sometimes he laughs
One of these presidents is not like the other.
I’m starting to like my facial hair.
It's really growing on me
I just read a joke about Oedipus and Midas
It was motherfucking gold
They say make up sex is the best
Which is lucky, because all my sex is made up
Wife bad car good
Engineering Degree: Expectation VS Reality
If we’re lucky we’ll get to work till we’re dead……wait, what…..
I’ve tried to use the word “mucho” when speaking with my Hispanic friends.
It really means a lot to them.
First day of the new semester.
Open Source development be like…
My face while I’m fixing bugs…
I am so bored being stuck at home that I decided to memorize six pages of a dictionary.
I learned next to nothing.
A man noticed that his friend only smoked two cigarettes at a time.
He asked him about it and his friend said: "one for me and one on my imprisoned brother's behalf. He told me to smoke for him too" Years later, the man saw his friend smoking only one cigarette, he told him: "I'm guessing good news! Your brother finished his sentence?" His friend said: "No, I quit smoking"
I was telling my friend there’s only one thing I get really scared of at Halloween.
"Which is?" he asked. "Exactly."
True in both front
Before graduating to full priests, the candidates had to undergo
The cardinal test. To make sure that they would stick to the oath of celibacy, the graduating would be priests were all taken to a room and made to stand in a straight line and covered their eyes. The bishop tied a little Bell on their penises and then brought in a naked beautiful woman and one by one removed their eye coverings. None of the bells rang until the last priest of who once he saw the naked woman, the little Bell started ringing so furiously that it flew off and fell forward. Embarrassed, he went forward and bent over to pick up his little Bell. All the little bells behind him started ringing furiously..
A man goes to see a sex therapist
"My problem is that my neighbor says he can do it six times a night, but I can do barely three" "Please open your mouth," the therapist says. The man, now confused, opens his mouth, and the doctor inspects it carefully. "I see nothing wrong here, so you should be able to lie just like your neighbor."
A married couple was in a terrible accident where the woman's face was severely burned. The doctor told the husband that they couldn't graft any skin from her body because she was too skinny, so the husband offered to donate some of his own skin. However, the only skin on his body that the doctor felt was suitable would have to come from his buttocks. The husband and wife agreed that they would tell no one about where the skin came from, and requested that the doctor also honor their secret. After all, this was a very delicate matter. After the surgery was completed, everyone was astounded at the women's new beauty. She looked more beautiful than she ever had before! All her friends and relatives just went on and on about her youthful beauty! One day, she was alone with her husband, and was overcome with emotion at his sacrifice. She said, "Dear, I just want to thank you for everything you did for me. There is no way I could ever repay you." "My darling," he replied, "Think nothing of it. I get all the thanks I need every time I see your mother kiss you on the cheek."
It’s okay if your phone autocorrects ‘fuck’ to ‘duck’
You’re still using fowl language.
I decided to kill off a few characters in the book im writing.
It's really gonna spice up the autobiography.
Still burning from inside
Man:I am done,i am suiciding. Woman:If you are going down throw out the trash
I know it’s wrong…or is it?
D’ya get it? Because he did a lot of drugs.
A truth universal
The rare s*x scene
At least it’s android now.
Sun be like
Have truer words ever been spoken?
Don’t you dare entry our territory
Two men were washed ashore during World War I.
Their ship, an aging minesweeping model, had wrecked off the coast. As they sought shelter in a makeshift camp, one of them managed to salvage a radio and quickly telegraphed an SOS with their coordinates. To their surprise, a ship responded within the hour, saying it could be at their location in about two weeks. The older soldier shook his head, saying he'd rather take his chances swimming out to the wrecked ship to try and repair it. "You'd really rather play with that old mine craft all day?" the young soldier scoffed. The older man shrugged. "It's better than a fortnight."
Why do vaccinated kids hate jokes about measles?
They never get them.
Texan pro gun leftist can confirm
Saw a man standing on one leg at an ATM.
Confused, I asked him what he was doing… He said: “Just checking my balance.”
Founder argues that we should be concerned with data equality rather than data privacy
She has a plan for everything…
I give to you a joke I made up when I was seven: Why did the computer crash?
Because it had a bad driver! drops mic
Who here believes in telekinesis?
Raise my hand. (Celebrating my first Father’s Day as a dad with my first post in this sub!)
The two states of every programmer