Hmmm…..

https://ift.tt/2S2AFat

devopsjokeslinuxprogrammingserversresysadmintechwindows

Why do French tanks have rearview mirrors?

So they can see the battlefield.

Reminder that in 2015 Trump knowingly did business with a front for the IRGC used to evade sanctions by laundering money into Iran.

Reminder that in 2015 Trump knowingly did business with a front for the IRGC used to evade sanctions by laundering money into Iran.

https://ift.tt/364VPsH

You could say I’m B.R.O.K.E.

B – Bad R – At O – Acronyms K – E –

Apparently babies start walking at around 1.

Well, it's 2:30 now and she hasn't walked at all

I like this because no matter which way you think is the right way to say it you are right

I like this because no matter which way you think is the right way to say it you are right

https://ift.tt/2zujMPY

TIFU by ordering a Roast Beef instead of a Chicken Teriyaki sandwich.

Oops, wrong sub.

I see nothing wrong here.

I see nothing wrong here.

https://ift.tt/39akNJB

Level of programming

Level of programming

https://ift.tt/2wMEEAH

On my first day in prison, my cellmate said to me…

"If you ever come close to me, I'll fucking skin you alive. When we're sleeping, you don't fucking touch me. You hear me? Don't ever talk to me, either." "Fucking great." I thought, "First day in here and I'm already married."

You can tell Monopoly is an old game…

…because there's free parking, a luxury tax and rich people can actually go to jail.

How do you collect data on how strong a river is?

You make a flowchart

This is one from one of my preschoolers: Why did the cookie go to the doctor?

Because he was feeling crumby.

Mutts is the antithesis of boomer humor

Mutts is the antithesis of boomer humor

https://ift.tt/2DnYbXP

[Meta] I definitely did not do this 😂🅱️💯

[Meta] I definitely did not do this 😂🅱️💯

Go figure

Go figure

https://ift.tt/2Q1bbK6

Screw this! I’m out

Screw this! I’m out

This is definitely me

This is definitely me

What do you call a man with a pole in his leg?

Rodney.

Remember having sex on a regular basis keeps your memory alive!

Hope you all have a great Christmas and wishing you a merry 2014

A Baptist preacher sits next to a cowboy on a flight. After the plane takes off, the cowboy asks for a whiskey and soda, which is promptly brought and placed before him.

The flight attendant then asks the preacher if he would like a drink. Appalled, the preacher replies, "I'd rather be tied up and taken advantage of by women of ill-repute, than let liquor touch my lips." The cowboy then hands his drink back to the attendant and says, "Me too, I didn't know we had a choice."

My science teachers response whenever I fill up a cup of water with no safety goggles

My science teachers response whenever I fill up a cup of water with no safety goggles

https://ift.tt/3b9An9b

Code is fully functional and ready to be pushed to production

Code is fully functional and ready to be pushed to production

https://ift.tt/3276z9Q

Vaguely racist? Check. Not really funny? Also check.

Vaguely racist? Check. Not really funny? Also check.

https://ift.tt/2Vli4cc

Goofy moron

Goofy moron

https://ift.tt/2FSviHt

I AM HOLLERING

I AM HOLLERING

Why is “Dark” spelled with a K, and not a C ?

Because you can’t C in the dark.

Occam’s razor can be used to cut right through the Republican’s BS

Occam’s razor can be used to cut right through the Republican’s BS

https://ift.tt/33bPmeR

A Firefighter ran into a school holding a screwdriver and yelled…

Quick, everyone get out, this is NOT a drill!

Trumpets and Guns

In a small town, a man just opened a small store selling trumpets and guns. One day his neighbor pays him a visit and says, "So how is your strange business going?" "What do you mean strange?" "Because you sell only trumpets and guns!" "So?" "Well, let me put it this way, what do you sell the most, trumpets or guns?" "It evens itself out. Each time a customer buys a trumpet, one of his neighbors buys a gun."

Why couldn’t Emperor Augustus attend the silent disco?

Because he was 2 BC.

I wasn’t expecting that

I wasn’t expecting that

any one who codes for games here ? i made a meme about it

any one who codes for games here ? i made a meme about it

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=kUqYIzh3kAE

Walls of youth

A fifteen year old Amish boy and his father took an outing to a shopping mall. They were amazed by almost everything they saw, but especially by two shiny, silver walls that could move apart and then slide back together again. The boy asked, 'What is this Father?' The father responded, 'Son,I have never seen anything like this in my life, I don't know what it is.' While the boy and his father were watching with amazement,a fat old lady in a motorized cart moved up to the moving walls and pressed a button. The walls opened, and the lady rolled between them into a small room. The walls closed and the boy and his father watched the small numbers above the walls light up sequentially. They continued to watch until it reached the last number and then the numbers began to light in the reverse order. The doors opened and a young blonde stepped out. The father, not taking his eyes off the young woman, said quietly to his son….. 'Go get your Mother'

Fuck that guy

Fuck that guy

https://ift.tt/2qt8Gpx

A woman in her forties went to a plastic surgeon for a face-lift.

The surgeon told her about a new procedure called "The Knob", where a small knob is placed on the top of a woman's head and can be turned to tighten up her skin to produce the effect of a brand new face lift. Of course, the woman wanted "The Knob." Over the course of the years, the woman tightened the knob, and the effects were wonderful, the woman remained young looking and vibrant. After fifteen years, the woman returned to the surgeon with two problems: "I've had to turn the knob many times and I've always loved the results. But now I've developed two annoying problems: First, I have these terrible bags under my eyes and the knob won't get rid of them." The doctor looked at her closely and said," Those aren't bags, those are your breasts." She said, "Well, I guess there's no point in asking about the goatee.

I got the words jacuzzi and yakuza confused.

Now I'm in hot water with the Japanese mafia.

A scottish man was found dead after a serious bar fight…

The police are still searching for the person who kilt him.

Why is dark spelled with a k, and not a c?

Because you can’t see in the dark. Courtesy of my 14 year old this evening.

Polandoo

Polandoo

The Australians once killed a bunch of rabbits and proved this. Evolution be sick sometimes.

The Australians once killed a bunch of rabbits and proved this. Evolution be sick sometimes.

https://ift.tt/3bpzxoQ

History repeating itself Sunday..

History repeating itself Sunday..

https://ift.tt/2OZwpHt

That will show them!

That will show them!

https://ift.tt/3aGM5IX

I was going to put a vegetable joke in here

But you don't carrot all. That was corny. Don't beet yourself up about it. This is below my celery. Lettuce go our seperate ways.

My girlfriend asked to do a 69

I said "what’s that?" she said "lay down an I’ll show you" so she went to squat over my face. as she did she farted and jumped up and said "sorry" and then tried again, she then farted a 2nd time. with that I jumped up an said "I’m off, I’m fucked if I’m hanging around for another 67 of them"

Monday morning mini-stroke

Monday morning mini-stroke

https://ift.tt/36Rliar

:)

:)

https://ift.tt/2WEndMP

why add this

why add this

The world’s worst impressionist walks into a bar.

The bartender says, “Why the wrong face?”

This is why T-series is going to be #1

This is why T-series is going to be #1

A man stumbles upon a magic lamp…

He rubs the lamp and a genie pops out! The genie says that he will grant the man only one wish, and that he has to pick from three choices. He can either be the richest man in the world, the most popular man in the world, or the wisest man in the world. The man says "We all know that money does not bring happiness, and that popularity just makes you a slave to the whims of others, but wisdom is everlasting.  I want to be the wisest man in the world."   The Genie goes "poof" and suddenly the man's face assumes a serene expression. He sits down, rubbing his chin in thought. Then he looks towards the genie and says, "I should have taken the money".

This account…

This account…

https://ift.tt/2JGMtL7

Being Different = Bad

Being Different = Bad

https://ift.tt/3a2Gegn

Fiziks

Fiziks

https://ift.tt/2JA0ni8

My girlfriend is turning 32 soon…

I've told her not to get her hopes up. "After all," I say, "we're only going to be celebrating it for half a minute." When she asked what in the world I was talking about, I pointed out, "This is your thirty-second birthday." For the life of me, I can't figure why doesn't think this is hilarious. I keep making sure to remind her of it every time we are around new people. Hopefully if she hears the joke enough she will start to appreciate it.

La Brea (The Only Tar Pits For Me)

La Brea (The Only Tar Pits For Me)

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=WVI03lP6atw

What do you do if your xbox is crying?

You console it.

The White House Doormat

The White House Doormat

https://ift.tt/2GtlIYK

How do you tell the difference between a chemist and an electrician?

Ask them to pronounce "unionized"

Wife bad

Wife bad

https://ift.tt/2QemEGM

Spousal hatred! 😂

Spousal hatred! 😂

https://ift.tt/399CMiD

A couple ask their doctor to watch them have sex.

The doctor asked, "What can I do for you?" The man said, "Will you watch us have sex?" The doctor looked puzzled, but agreed. When the couple finished, the doctor said, "There's nothing wrong with the way you have sex," and charged them $50. This happened several weeks in a row. The couple would make an appointment, have sex with no problems, pay the doctor, then leave. Finally, the doctor asked, "Just exactly what are you trying to find out?" "We're not trying to find out anything," the husband replied. "She's married and we can't go to her house. I'm married and we can't go to my house. The Holiday Inn charges $90. The Hilton charges $108. We do it here for $50…and I get $43 back from Medicare

I cannot eat shrimp, lobsters and clams that have been cooked by heated water vapor….

I have shellfish steamed issues.

Happens every time

Happens every time

https://ift.tt/32we0Xf

Deadline near

Deadline near

https://ift.tt/2UOm1Fv

A man goes into a brothel

He says to the madam, "Hi, I'm a traveling salesman, I've been on the road for eight weeks. I'll pay $100 for the worst blow-job in the house." She says, "The worst…? For $100 you can have the best blow-job in the house!" He says, "No, it's all right, I'm not horny, I'm homesick."

A man walks out to the street and catches a taxi just as it’s going by. As he gets into the taxi, and the cabbie says, “Impeccable timing. You’re just like Frank.”

Passenger: "Who?" Cabbie: "Frank Feldman. He's a guy who did everything right all the time. Like my coming along when you needed a cab, things happened like that to Frank Feldman every single time." Passenger: "There are always a few clouds over everybody." Cabbie: "Not Frank Feldman. He was a terrific athlete. He could have won the Grand-Slam at tennis. He could golf with the pros. He sang like an opera baritone and danced like a Broadway star and you should have heard him play the piano. He was an amazing guy." Passenger: "Sounds like he was really something special." Cabbie: "There's more. He had a memory like a computer. He remembered everybody's birthday. He knew all about wine, which foods to order and which fork to eat them with. He could fix anything. Not like me. I change a fuse, and the whole street blacks out. But Frank Feldman could do everything right.” Passenger: "Wow, what a guy!" Cabbie: "He always knew the quickest way to go in traffic and avoid traffic jams. Not like me, I always seem to get stuck in them. But Frank, he never made a mistake, and he really knew how to treat a woman and make her feel good. He would never answer her back even if she was in the wrong; and his clothing was always immaculate, shoes highly polished too. He was the perfect man! He never made a mistake. No one could ever measure up to Frank Feldman." Passenger: "How did you meet him?" Cabbie: "I never actually met Frank. He died and I married his wife."

A Nepotistic Novel Virus

A Nepotistic Novel Virus

https://ift.tt/3dA3O55

Recursive Spray Can Design

Recursive Spray Can Design

https://ift.tt/3amjUxa

wonder what I can do with this #__DO_NOT_USE__

wonder what I can do with this #__DO_NOT_USE__

https://ift.tt/3ajqXqT

Sent a poetic text to my future sister-in-law (no worries! She already knew what she’s willingly getting herself into; she found this..funny and sad).

Sent a poetic text to my future sister-in-law (no worries! She already knew what she’s willingly getting herself into; she found this..funny and sad).

https://ift.tt/39Q88ME

Memes from 2020 are unfunny memes from 2016?

Memes from 2020 are unfunny memes from 2016?

How does moses make his coffee

Hebrews it

Speech bubbles don’t work on memes anymore

Speech bubbles don’t work on memes anymore

Thank you Corona

Thank you Corona

https://ift.tt/2wlcLj0

The early bird gets the worm

but the second mouse gets the cheese.

“Where does Joe Biden get off?!”

“Where does Joe Biden get off?!”

https://ift.tt/35XdyUn

I changed my iPod’s name to Titanic

It’s syncing now

Christ man. People just piled on the murder train.

Christ man. People just piled on the murder train.

Pretty much.

Pretty much.

https://ift.tt/2sGDNj4

When does a new joke become an “old” joke?

After you’ve reddit.

No second thoughts!!

No second thoughts!!

https://ift.tt/2Ax9KO4

Why did Pluto have such a terrible vacation?

Because he didn’t planet well.

CNN basically gave them the finger.

CNN basically gave them the finger.

https://ift.tt/2ABPpYj

Troll faces make memes better

Troll faces make memes better

Dishonorable mention: SQL

Dishonorable mention: SQL

https://ift.tt/3cC1sDg

Hell, he’s not even in the top 50 anymore.

Hell, he’s not even in the top 50 anymore.

https://ift.tt/2tmlDmZ

Posted this one closer to the 2016 election on my Facebook (I know). Feels like it still fits today.

Posted this one closer to the 2016 election on my Facebook (I know). Feels like it still fits today.

https://ift.tt/33HUVlh

What’s a crow’s favorite drink?

What’s a crow’s favorite drink?

I’ve been in jail for only 5 minutes now and I’ve already been raped twice

My uncle doesn't fuck around when playing Monopoly

So deep

So deep

https://ift.tt/2XRkSgJ

Those might be his wallpapers..

Those might be his wallpapers..

https://ift.tt/2QGEFgj

Am I supposed to taste metal and blood?

Am I supposed to taste metal and blood?

https://ift.tt/37LXghc

Gotta stay low profile…

Gotta stay low profile…

https://ift.tt/2Ec8qPl

Drop that customer immediately

Drop that customer immediately

https://ift.tt/3bmrqcW

Some is better than none, I guess?

Some is better than none, I guess?

https://ift.tt/2UVzdr0

I want to tell you about a girl who only ate plants…

You've probably never heard of herbivore.

Time is relative

Time is relative

https://ift.tt/2GF9FaV

Holy shit

Holy shit

https://ift.tt/2JJsHPF

How do I compile a php file?

How do I compile a php file?

https://ift.tt/2unP2xF

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