They're always up to something.
But she told me she's already seeing someone.
It was pretty mindblowing.
Let’s go play on our bikes.
100 years ago everyone owned a horse and only the rich had cars. Today everyone has cars and only the rich have horses.
Oh how the stables have turned.
"Yes, we arson."
While waiting for the coffee machine to finish brewing, the Colonel decided to pose a question to all assembled. He explained that his wife had been a bit frisky the night before and he failed to get his usual amount of sound sleep. He posed the question of just how much of sex was “work” and how much of it was “pleasure?” A Major chimed in with 75%-25% in favor of work. A Captain said it was 50%-50%. A Lieutenant responded with 25%-75% in favor of pleasure, depending upon his state of inebriation at the time. There being no consensus, the colonel turned to the Private First Class who was in charge of making the coffee and asked for his opinion? Without any hesitation, the young Private First Class responded, “Sir, it has to be 100% pleasure. The colonel was surprised and as you might guess, asked why? "Well, sir, if there was any work involved, the officers would have me doing it for them.”
The waitress says, "Sorry, but the guy next to you got the last bowl". He looks over and sees that the guy's finished his meal, but the bowl of chili is still full. He asks, "Are you going to eat that chili?" The other guy says, "No. Help yourself". He slides the bowl of chili over and starts to eat. When he gets about half way down, his spoon hits something. He looks down sees a dead mouse and immediately pukes all the chili back into the bowl. The other guy says, "Yeah, that's about as far as I got, too".
Said the shower head.
Stupid bastard started dancing around the shop.
So when they return to port, they can Scandinavian!
He was lacktoes intolerant.
You’re still using fowl language.
No text found
so I tried it. It doesn't.
Nothing, it just let out a little wine.
If they groan, I say, “I think I took this joke too far.”
My daughter just looked at me funny when I farted next to her on the couch. She said it sounded like a duck. I replied with "Obviously, it came from my buttquack."
Patient: "But doctor, I am not Steven. My name is Mike." Doctor: "I know, I am Steven."
It shall romaine nameless.
“no, son, I was born with it.”
I couldn’t handle it.
They said that it was a fusion cuisine.
A salt rifle
They're the reason ice mocha lot of weed
It produces a greenish flame and it looks really cool while I'm lighting up my cigarette.
I dont know how someone could stoop so low.
Do. Do hash. Do hash browns. Do hash browns sound good. Do hash browns sound good.
The interviewer asked "Do you have a criminal record?" "No. Is that still required?"
And that’s how I lost my job as a bus driver
“Do you need a bag sir?” Me: Jesus, she’s not that ugly
This is now the fifth one that has insufficient funds.
Fortunately, I got one free off the web.
Quick answers please.
Airport security, for example.
They would call it crucifact.
A pack of feral hogs
I should’ve known it was a Leper-con.
When they grow up, two of them become adult knees.
That's Hawaii roll…