hmmm
A woman dies and goes to the gates of heaven.
When she gets there, she is perplexed and confused to find everyone furiously cracking eggs, dumping flour, and mixing batter. She turns around and sees an entire section dedicated to decoration, with elaborate concoctions of strawberries, frosting, and tiering at every station. Finally, she seems to recognize someone who appears to be in charge. She runs over and asks the man, "what is going on here?" The strange man replies, "everyone here is doing their best to better their souls." Confused at the cryptic answer and curious about the strange man's traditional Mongolian garb, the woman asks him to elaborate. The Buddhist Monk replies, "my dear, having cake is the best way to gain Karma."
A priest, a lawyer and a rabbi walk into a bar
The bartender asks "Is this a joke?"
Earlier, I was driving behind an ambulance when a cooler fell off the back. I stopped and opened it up to find a foot inside..
So I decided to call a toe-truck.
My friend went to prison for something he didn’t do.
He didn't wipe the fingerprints off the gun.
![Hi Welcome to Cher (Chili’s) Vine [20 views]](https://jokejet.com/wp-content/uploads/2018/10/no_image_card-63-400x247.png)
What do you call it when Batman skips out on church?
Christian Bale.
[Introducing My girlfriend to my family]
Me: This is my girlfriend Janine Janine: Hi Wife: What the fuck
I told my 3yr old daughter “I’m tired.”
"Oh. I thought you were daddy!" I've never been so proud.
Why don’t skeletons go trick or treating?
Because they have no body to go with.
I’m best friend’s with 25 letters of the alphabet
I don't know why
How do snowmen like to travel?
By icicle!
It’s a young blonde genie’s first day on the job…
It's a young blonde genie's first day on the job. After returning to genie HQ from her very first charge, she is clearly distraught. The other genies, concerned, ask her what's wrong. She tells them of the young man who's wishes she granted. For his first wish, he asked for a truckload of money. Easy enough, *poof* I provide him with a huge truck, filled top to bottom with cash, and he appears very happy. For his second wish, he wants to be adored by hundreds of beautiful women. I Grant him this wish as well. All the women who are walking by smile and wink at him. One of her fellow genies says, " well, that all sounds great, why are you so upset?" Our genie replies, the last wish is what I just don't understand. He seemed so happy with his first two wishes, why with his third did he wish to be hung like a black man?
Courtesy of my 6 year old – Where did fozzy bear take his dog?
For a walka walka walka
Why did the anti-vaxxer’s 4 year old son buy a corvette?
He was having a midlife crisis.
I just got accepted into the most popular anger management group.
It’s all the rage.
Why couldn’t the Mexican archer use his bow?
He didn’t habanero.
I can always tell, just by looking, when someone is lying.
I can also tell when they're standing.
My neighbor got busted for growing weed…
Apparently my property line isn’t where I thought
Just called the tinnitus hotline
It didn’t stop ringing
What do you get if you put a duck in a cement mixer?
Quacks in the pavement.
A man is staying in a hotel.
He walks up to the front desk and says, “Sorry, I forgot what room I’m in, can you help me?” The receptionist replies, “No problem, sir. This is the lobby.”
Do you know what’s cool?
Winter.
What weighs less than blue ?
Light blue
A dad was washing his car with his son.
The son asked why they couldn't just use a sponge.
I told my wife I wanted to name our unborn son Obvious.
She said, "That's a stupid name." I said, "Now you're gestating the Obvious."
A person asked me, “Hey, aren’t you the guy who always brags about weird stuff?”
I chuckled and shook my head, "No, I'm the guy who takes the longest baths in the city!"
How do you fix a broken pumpkin?
With a pumpkin patch!
You know what I said to the salesman today who tried to sell me a coffin?
That's the last thing I need.
I just got hired at a company that makes bicycle wheels!!
I’m the spokesperson
What did the hat say to the scarf?
You hang around here, I’ll go on ahead.
COVID spelled backwards is DIVOC
which is fitting cause I have no idea what DIVOC is going on
Pronounciation is important…
The sentence "Use Chemicals to remove the Polish" could mean either a botched Manicure or Hitler's return
You can tell Monopoly is an old game…
…because there's free parking, a luxury tax and rich people can actually go to jail.
Why did the Mexican take Xanax?
For Hispanic attacks.
You hear about the wizard that dropped out of Hogwarts?
He couldn’t spell. Edit: J. K. Rowling has just notified me that this wizard was also gay. I’m not sure why that was relevant & I though the joke was good on its own, but she really wanted to clarify.
NSFW – A mother was walking down the hall when she heard a humming sound coming from her daughter’s bedroom. When she opened the door she found her daughter naked on the bed with a vibrator.
What are you doing?" she exclaimed. The daughter replied, "I'm 35 and still living at home with my parents and this is the closest I'll ever get to a husband." Later that week the father was in the kitchen and heard a humming sound coming from the basement. When he went downstairs, he found his daughter naked on the sofa with her vibrator. "What are you doing?" he exclaimed. The daughter replied, "I'm 35 and still living at home with my parents and this is the closest I'll ever get to a husband." A couple of days later the mother heard the humming sound again, this time in the living room. In there, she found her husband watching the Super Bowl on television with the vibrator buzzing away beside him. "What are you doing?" she exclaimed. He replied…………"Watching the game with my son-in-law."
“No one under FBI investigation should be able to run for president!” – Trump, 2016
https://ift.tt/38wtaz4
