Went to the zoo and saw a baguette in a cage
The zookeeper said it was bread in captivity.
28 years of people are lazy
Thought this also belonged here
And poof, she’s gone
Today is my Birthday. This is me. Say hello to me
What do you call a super soaker that shoots blood?
A plasma gun
Relationships are a lot like algebra….
You look at your X and wonder Y.
I’m reading a horror book written in braille.
Something bad is going to happen. I can feel it.
When a dad drives past a graveyard: Did you know that’s a popular cemetery?
Yep, people are just dying to get in there!
How to summon tech support
Bilbo was surprised to wake up one morning and find a supermarket had been built in his garden.
It was an unexpected item in the Baggins area.
Guy wanted to take his wife duck hunting
She'd never been hunting so they prepared the night before. She made breakfast and lunch for the trip while he got all the hunting stuff clean and got his dog, Butch, ready for the trip. They went to bed early. The next morning, the guy got up and went to check on everything. It was nasty out, 28° and a freezing rain. He got his wife up. She looked outside and said, "There's no way I'm going out in this weather, forget it." He said, "Well, you promised, so if you back out now at the last minute, you have to either suck my dick or let me put it in your butt." She thought it was waaaay too early for butt sex, so she decided to blow him. She starts off nice and slow, but then lifts her head and says, "What the hell? Your dick smells like shit!" He said, "Yeah well, the dog didn't want to go either."
Spotted on English lecture
Classic boomer nose humor.
What do you after an Apple turns bad?
You open windows.
I thought yall would like it lol
They are the backbone of this nation.
A priest, a doctor, and an engineer were waiting one morning for a particularly slow group of golfers.
Engineer: What's with these guys? We must have been waiting for 15 minutes! Doctor: I don't know but I've never seen such ineptitude! Priest: Hey, here comes the greenskeeper. Let's have a word with him. Priest: Hi George. Say George, what's with that group ahead of us? They're rather slow aren't they? George: Oh yes. That's a group of blind fire fighters. They lost their sight while saving our club house last year. So we let them play here anytime free of charge! (silence) Priest: That's so sad. I think I will say a special prayer for them tonight. Doctor: Good idea. And I'm going to contact my ophthalmologist buddy and see if there's anything he can do for them. Engineer: Why can't these guys play at night?
this whole time I’m like why does it keep downloading it as an html
I like my women how I like my Corona viruses
Easy to get, quick to spread and leaving me out of breath
It’s honest work…
Have you heard about that guy who got his left hand cut?
He's alright now
This one guy I know on Facebook has been pumping out gold.
Christmas music bad
That guilt I feel…
I’ve created an app similar to Tinder but it’s for paleontologists.
I call it Carbon Dating.
Those darn women, always ruining our good time
The vagina has more than 8000 nerve endings
But it’s still not nearly as sensitive as Reddit.
My brother has the heart of a lion.
And a lifetime ban at the San Diego Zoo.
We’ve all been there.
Steam is hot
A man is in bed with his wife when there is a knock at the door. He rolls over and looks at his clock, and it’s 3:30 in the morning. “I’m not getting out of bed at this time,” he thinks, and rolls over.
Then a louder knock follows. "Aren't you going to answer that?" says his wife. So he drags himself out of bed and goes downstairs. He opens the door and there is a man standing on the porch. It didn't take the homeowner long to realize the man was drunk. "Hi there," slurs the stranger. "Can you give me a push??" "No, get lost! It's half past three. I was in bed," says the man and he slams the door. He goes back up to bed and tells his wife what happened and she says, "That wasn't very nice of you. Remember that night we broke down in the pouring rain on the way to pick the kids up from the babysitter and you had to knock on that man's house to get us started again? What would have happened if he'd told us to get lost?" "But the guy was drunk," says the husband. "It doesn't matter," says the wife. "He needs our help and it would be the Christian thing to help him." So the husband gets out of bed again, gets dressed, and goes downstairs. He opens the front door, and not being able to see the stranger anywhere he shouts, "Hey, do you still want a push?" And he hears a voice cry out, "Yeah, please." So, still being unable to see the stranger he shouts, "Where are you?" And the drunk replies, "Over here, on the swing."
Why couldn’t the bicycle stand up on it’s own?
it was two-tired
A woman who is 3 months pregnant falls into a deep coma. Six months later, she awakes and asks the doctor about her baby…
Doctor: You had twins, a boy and a girl, they are both fine. Luckily, your brother named them for you. Woman: Oh, no. Not my brother, he is an idiot! What did he name the girl? Doctor: Denise Woman: Not exactly my choice, but that isn't so bad. What did he name the boy? Doctor: Denephew.
Except the white ones
If I ever opened a car repair shop, I would call it “Auto-Correct”.
Then I'd paint the floor with those red squiggly lines…
When I die, I have but 2 requests.
The first, I want my remains to be scattered around Disneyland. The second, I don’t want to be cremated.
My wife found out I was cheating on her after she found all the letters I was hiding.
She was absolutely furious and said she’s never going to play scrabble with me ever again
Dad fell through a shop window.
Now he's in pane.
A man with no arms and legs was sun baking on the beach.
A gorgeous blonde was walking past him, stopped for a second with a tang of pity in her eyes. “Have you ever had a hug?” She asked. “No.” So with an “aww”, she gave him a big hug. Two minutes later, another beautiful woman was walking past the man. “Aw look at you honey. Have you ever been kissed?” “No.” He says. She leans down and gives him a passionate kiss. Another few minutes pass and another stunning lady walks past. “Oh you poor thing…Have you ever been fucked?” “No.” “Well you will be soon, the tides coming in.”
A Scottish man walks into a bar..
.. There's usually an Irishman & Englishman in this joke but they're still at the Rugby World Cup.
A girl once said about me “He’s the one!”
Granted I would have preferred she didn't say it in a police lineup. But you have to take what you get.
To the guy who stole my trainers and high-vis jacket…
…you can run but you can't hide!
I dared a guy to fill up his piggy bank with one penny every year for one hundred years.
He said he wouldn’t do it. Cause it would take a cent-ury.
FULL BRIDGE RECTIFIER
A platypus walks into a bar owned by a duck.
He finishes his drink and asks for his check. Duck billed platypus.
Oh the horror
Just thought you people might enjoy my Halloween costume last year more than my friends did
How does Bill Gates count to ten?
1, 2, 3, 95, 98, NT, 2000, ME, XP, Vista, 7, 8,10.
Got thrown out a Strip club last night for using monopoly money
I don’t see why I should pay real money to see fake boobs.
How do you think the unthinkable?
Thteer it thtraight into an itheberg.
Hey Bob, do you shower after sex
Hey Bob, do you shower after sex? Well, of course I do. Great, could you please get laid more often?
Sums it up.
I’m opening a new gay club called “Garage Sale”
Because one man's junk is another man's treasure!
A US senator died and went to heaven.
When he gets to heaven Saint Peter is waiting for him at the pearly gates. Peter says: "Oh a Senator huh? Well we have a special deal for you! Since you spent your life trying to reach across the aisle to both parties we give you 24 hours in both heaven and hell and at the end of 48 hours you get to decide where you want to spend eternity." The senator looks a bit bewildered and says "why can't I just go into heaven?" Peter replies:"sorry rules are rules, where do you want to go first?" The senator replies:"let's get the hard part out of the way first. I'll go to hell to begin with." Peter points to an elevator: "press the button and go all the way down." The senator walks over presses the button and starts heading down. Going down nothing changes everything seems the same as when he got in and when he hits the bottom it opens up to reveal a sandals resort-esque layout. As soon as he walks out a woman clad in a bikini gives him a mojito and he is greeted by three of his old friends. They walk over to a golf course and have a grand time catching up and talking. Then the devil walks up. Except no horns, nor hoofs, but rather a white linen suit. He smiles and starts cracking jokes and the Senator has a blast. At the end of 24 hours he gets back in the elevator and goes back up to the pearly gates. Peter greets him and asks: "how was it?" The Senator responds "amazing!" Peter raises an eyebrow quizzically and then directs him to the entrance of heaven. The Senator goes in and enjoys chilling on cloud furniture relaxing and enjoying himself but he is lonely and it just isn't the same without his friends. So at the end of the 48 hours he goes back to Peter. Peter asks him: "have you made up your mind? The Senator replies: "I have. Never thought I would say this in my entire life, but I would like to go to hell." Peter looks at him aghast. "Are you sure? Because once you make the choice it is irrevocable." The Senator replies "yes i'm sure." Peter again points to the elevator and replies: "May God have mercy on you." The Senator goes and gets into the elevator. This time as it goes down it starts getting warmer to the point where the elevator feels like a furnace. The elevator stops and opens, but this time it’s different. The Senator sees fire and caverns with devils chasing people with pitchforks and everything is well…hell. He walks up to the devil who this time has horns, hoofs, and wings. He says “When I came here the other day it was like a tropical beach resort, now it’s well hell. What happened??” The devil looks at him and says smiling: “well you see the other day we were campaigning, but today you voted.”
Finally they On the same side
My cousin called and asked if I would loan her £300.00 to help her pay her rent.
I told her to give me some time to think about it and I would call her back. Before I called her back my aunt called, told me that my cousin was lying and not to give her the money. She goes on to say that the real reason my cousin wanted the £300.00 was to get her boyfriend out of jail so she “could be under the same roof as him for his birthday”. I was mad when I heard that, but I thought about it for a minute …decided to give her the £300.00 because we all need help at times. So, I called my cousin told her to come get the money. A couple of hours later, I get a call from the Correctional Facility. It was my cousin crying, screaming & asking why I gave her counterfeit money. My response…so you and your boyfriend could be under the same roof for his birthday!
When you don’t know the full capabilities of the libraries you’re using
RIP to his back. Looks like he got a tattoo of a bum who lives near a basketball court.
Thank you Pete for your efforts in stopping the Pete campaign!
I was playing chess with my friend and he said, ‘Let’s make this interesting’.
So we stopped playing chess.
daaad it’s for important studies
I can cut a piece of wood in half just by looking at it
It's true I saw it with my own eyes
Wife got mad when I told her I must hang out with the guys once a week.
She hates my mandates.
If the Internet had a boat, where would they park it?
In Google Docs.
My Wife and I were watching Disney+ and it started to lag.
My Wife: Is it frozen? Me: No, it’s Wreck It Ralph. She’s 19 weeks pregnant, I can feel the dad joke wit rising!
How’s your Work From Home Going?
Guy walks into a bar with his dog and the bartender says “I’m sorry sir, we don’t allow dogs in here.” Guy says “This is no ordinary dog. This dog can speak.”
Bartender says “Sure… If you say so. Now please leave.” Guy says, “No really I can prove it.” *turns to dog * “Dog, what is on top this building?” Dog goes “Roof.” Bartender says “Very clever. Now I’ll ask you again: will you please leave?” Guy goes “No no seriously! Listen to this: Dog, what is the texture of sandpaper?” Dog goes “Ruff.” Bartender says “This is the last time I’m going to tell you!” Guy says “Wait wait please. Dog who is the greatest baseball player of all time?” Dog replies “Ruth” Bartender: “Get out! I’m calling the authorities!” Guy and dog leave. Outside dog turns to guy and says “Jeez. Maybe I should have said Barry Bonds.”
I dont know what OP was expecting
I showed my damaged luggage to a lawyer, and said, “I want to sue the airline!”
The lawyer said, “You don’t have much of a case.”
Really need this super powerful computer!
What’s the difference between a filthy Greyhound terminal and a lobster with breast implants?
One is a crusty bus station, and one is a busty crustacean.
The love of my life was right in front of me the entire time
Why did the student not learn anything at Sandpaper Class?
The class had just scratched the surface!