Hmmm…Tough Choice ahead for America
How to scam a billion Indians to get a million likes
How to scam a billion Indians to get a million likes
I think my family is racist
I've been nervous for weeks, but I finally decided to introduce them to my Spanish girlfriend My kids refused to talk to her and my wife started crying and told me to pack my things
Son/Daughter: Hey I got a haircut! What do you think?
Dad: Looks like you got them all cut.
Itâs almost December at the White House, and Donald Trump orders his aides to put up a nativity scene on the lawn…
After working for a few hours to set one up, the aides step back to look at their work. âIt looks pretty good,â says the first one. âYeah, but Iâm not sure the boss will like it,â says the second. âWhat do you mean?â âWell, look at these three wise men. Three wise men? That sounds like Ivy League elitists to me. Plus, Frankincense and myrrh? I bet these guys are Arabs. The president wouldnât like this at all.â The other aide agrees he has a point, so they take out the wise men and chuck them over the fence. âDo you think itâs ready now?â says the first aide. âNot really,â says the second one, âLook at Mary and Joseph – theyâre refugees! I bet theyâre bringing drugs and crime to Nazareth.â So they take out Mary and Joseph too. âOk, I think weâre ready,â says the first one. âNot yet,â says the second, âlook at the baby. His parents came from Egypt just so he could be born in Nazareth? Sounds like an anchor baby to me.â So they chuck out Jesus as well. Proud of their work, they head back to the Oval Office to let the president know theyâve finished. âWell?â He asks, âhave you finished the most bigly tremendous decorations? Weâre going to make Christmas great again.â âYes, Mister President. Weâre sure youâll be very happy with it. We took out the wise men, Mary and Joseph, and Jesus.â âWell,â Trump asks, âwhatâs left?â âItâs just the way we thought youâd like it sir. One jackass and a whole bunch of sheep.â
I had a vasectomy so my wife wouldn’t get pregnant..
..but apparently all it does is change the colour of your baby.
A father and his young son go to a restaurant and to keep him occupied, he gives the boy three pennies to play with. Suddenly, the boy starts choking and his face starts turning blue! The father realizes the boy has swallowed the pennies and starts slapping him on the back…
The boy coughs up two of the pennies, but keeps choking. Looking at his son, panicking, the father starts shouting for help. A well dressed, serious looking woman, in a blue business suit is sitting at a nearby table reading from her laptop and sipping a cup of coffee. At the sound of the commotion, she looks up, puts her coffee cup down, gets up from her seat and makes her way, unhurried, across the restaurant. Reaching the boy, the woman carefully drops his pants, takes hold of the boyâs testicles and starts to squeeze and twist, gently at first and then ever so firmly. After a few seconds the boy convulses violently and coughs up the last penny, which the woman deftly catches in her free hand. Releasing the boyâs testicles, the woman walks back to her seat at the coffee bar without saying a word, but keeps the penny. As soon as he is sure that his son has suffered no ill effects, the father rushes over to the woman and starts thanking her saying, âIâve never seen anybody do anything like that before, it was fantastic. Are you a doctor?â âNo,â the woman replied. âIâm with the Internal Revenue Service.â
I looked up opaque in the dictionary
But the definition is unclear.
A snail was told he would go faster if he took his shell off………
…… but it just made him more sluggish!
Guy walks into a bar and asks the bartender, âwhatâs the WiFi password?â
The bartender replies, âyou need to buy a beer first.â So the guy buys a beer, and asks again, âwhatâs the WiFi password?â The bartender replies, âyou need to buy a beer first, all lowercase, no spaces or punctuation.â
Why are communist jokes so funny?
Everyone gets it.
Me after finishing an introductory lesson on HTML pretending to understand the posts here
https://ift.tt/33XO0oi
“I heard you slept with my woman,” said this guy in the pub.
"You've got the wrong person," I replied. "So you didn't sleep with her?" "No, I did. I'm just saying you need a new girlfriend."
A man walks into his bedroom and sees his wife packing a suitcase. NSFW
A man walks into his bedroom and sees his wife packing a suitcase. He asks, âWhat are you doing?â She answers, âIâm moving to London. I heard prostitutes there get paid ÂŁ400 for doing what I do for you for free.â Later that night, on her way out, the wife walks into the bedroom and sees her husband packing his suitcase. When she asks him where heâs going,he replies, âIâm coming too I want to see how you live on ÂŁ800 a yearâ.
I’m so disappointed in this generation
These days, people will click on anything even if it's nothing more then a catchy title
Which is heavier, the collected works of Shakespeare or a prison full of inmates?
The prose outweighs the cons.
A professor is sent to darkest Africa to live with a primitive tribe. He spends years with them, teaching them reading, writing, math and science.
One day the wife of the tribe's chief gives birth to a white child. The tribe is shocked, and the chief pulls the professor aside and says, "Look here! You're the only white man we've ever seen and this woman gives birth to a white child. It doesn't take a genius to figure out what happened!" The professor replied, "No, Chief. You're mistaken. What you have here is a natural occurrence, what we in the civilized world call an albino! Look at that field over there. All of the sheep are white except for one black one. Nature does this on occasion." The chief was silent for a moment, then said, "Tell you what. You don't say anything more about that sheep and I won't say anything more about that white child."
My penis is so large…
…when I lay it across the keyboard it stretches all the way from A to Z!
My girlfriend is a star on pornhub.
And she'll kill me if she finds out.
dad, Is battleship a fun game?
Itâs hit or miss
In Alabama, there is no Reverse Cowgirl
You don't turn your back on family
I don’t mind breakfast in bed
…but I prefer it in a bowl.
A Nun is very distraught…
A nun walks into Mother Superior's office and plunks down into a chair. She lets out a sigh heavy with frustration. 'What troubles you, Sister?' asked the Mother Superior. 'I thought this was the day you spent with your family.' 'It was,' sighed the Sister. 'And I went to play golf with my brother. We try to play golf as often as we can. You know I was quite a talented golfer before I devoted my life to Christ.' 'I seem to recall that,' the Mother Superior agreed. 'So I take it your day of recreation was not relaxing?' 'Far from it,' snorted the Sister. 'In fact, I even took the Lord's name in vain today!' 'Goodness, Sister!' gasped the Mother Superior, astonished. 'You must tell me all about it!' 'Well, we were on the fifth tee…and this hole is a monster, Mother -540 yard Par 5, with a nasty dogleg left and a hidden green…and I hit the drive of my life. I creamed it. The sweetest swing I ever made. And it's flying straight and true, right along the line I wanted…and it hits a bird in mid-flight !' 'Oh my!' commiserated the Mother. 'How unfortunate! But surely that didn't make you blaspheme, Sister!' 'No, that wasn't it,' admitted Sister. 'While I was still trying to fathom what had happened, this squirrel runs out of the woods, grabs my ball and runs off down the fairway!' 'Oh, that would have made me blaspheme!' sympathized the Mother. 'But I didn't, Mother!' sobbed the Sister. 'And I was so proud of myself! And while I was pondering whether this was a sign from God, this hawk swoops out of the sky and grabs the squirrel and flies off, with my ball still clutched in his paws!' 'So that's when you cursed,' said the Mother with a knowing smile. 'Nope, that wasn't it either,' cried the Sister, anguished, 'because as the hawk started to fly out of sight, the squirrel started struggling, and the hawk dropped him right there on the green, and the ball popped out of his paws and rolled to about 18 inches from the cup!' Mother Superior sat back in her chair, folded her arms across her chest, fixed the Sister with a baleful stare and said.. 'You missed the Goddamn putt, didn't you?'
What do a hot potato and a thrown pig have in common?
One is a heated yam, and the other is a yeeted ham.
A man who is driving a car is stopped by a police officer.
The Officer: "You were going at least 75 in a 55 zone." Man: "No sir, I was going 60." Wife: "Oh, Harry. You were going 80." Officer: "I'm also going to give you a ticket for your broken tail light." Man: "Broken tail light? I didn't know about a broken tail light!" Wife: "Oh Harry, you've known about that tail light for weeks." Officer: "I'm also going to give you a citation for not wearing your seat belt." Man: "Oh, I just took it off when you were walking up to the car." Wife: "Oh, Harry, you never wear your seat belt." Man turns to his wife and yells: "Shut your damn mouth!" Officer turns to the woman and asks, "Ma'am, does your husband talk to you this way all the time?" Wife: "No, only when he's drunk."
Color Blind
I have recently been diagnosed with color blindness. It really came out of the purple. Donât hurt me.
I asked my Chinese friend what it’s like living in China
He says he can't complain.
Oral sex using telekinesis
Mind blowing
I have a friend who keeps trying to convince me heâs a compulsive liar…
…but I donât believe him…
A man was walking home alone late one foggy night, when behind him he hears:
BUMP!⊠BUMP⊠BUMP⊠Walking faster, he looks back and through the fog h e makes out the image of an upright casket banging its way down the middle of the street toward him. BUMP⊠BUMP⊠BUMP⊠Terrified, the man begins to run toward his home, the casket bouncing quickly behind him FASTER⊠FASTER⊠BUMP⊠BUMP⊠BUMP⊠He runs up to his door, fumbles with his keys, opens the door, rushes in, slams and locks the door behind him. However, the casket crashes through his door, with the lid of the casket clapping… clappity-BUMP⊠clappity-BUMP⊠clappity-BUMP⊠âŠon his heels, the terrified man runs. Rushing upstairs to the bathroom, the man locks himself in. His heart is pounding; his head is reeling; his breath is coming in sobbing gasps. With a loud CRASH the casket breaks down the door. Bumping and clapping toward him. The man screams and reaches for something, anything, but all he can find is a bottle of cough syrup! Desperate, he throws the cough syrup at the casket⊠and, [Wait for it…] The coffin stops.
Iâve been training for months to achieve the world record title of âFurthest Ejaculationâ.
I canât believe how far Iâve come.
An on-duty police officer is staking out a particularly popular bar right before closing time hoping to catch anyone trying to drink & drive
As the patrons start exiting the bar at closing time, he sees one guy who seems particularly drunk. The cop watches intently as this guy stumbles off the curb, trips over his own feet and tries his car keys on 4 different cars before ultimately finding his own. Once he finally finds his car and gets in, the man spends another couple minutes fumbling around with his keys in the front seat before finally getting the car started. At this point, all the other patrons have already left the bar and drove off. The cop, waiting for the guy to pull out of the parking lot, pulls him over right afterward. Since heâs seen enough already, the cop makes the guy take a breathalyzer right off. The guy obliges, takes the breathalyzer test and looks on at an incredulous cop now looking at a result of 0.0. Astounded, the cop demands to know how thatâs possible after what heâs just seen. âOh that,â the man says. âWell, tonightâs my night to be the Designated Decoy.â
Reverend, Have You Been Drinking?
Reverend: Just water officer. Police: Why do I smell wine? Reverend: Good lord heâs done it again
My christmas plant has lost it’s leaves,
now it's a disapointsettia.