Hmmm
My wife just threw away my favourite herb.
She's such a Thyme waster
What do serial killers and fat girls on tinder have in common?
They both know how to hide their bodies.
One day, a wife came home early and found her husband in their bedroom making love to a very attractive young woman. Naturally, she was very upset.
âYou are a disrespectful pig!â she cried. âHow dare you do this to me! Iâm a faithful wife, the mother of your children! Iâm leaving you. I want a divorce right away!â The husband replied, âHang on just a minute love, so at least I can tell you what happened.â âGo ahead,â she sobbed, âbut theyâll be the last words youâll say to me!â So the husband began, âWell, I was getting into the car to drive home, and this young lady here asked me for a lift. She looked so down and out and defenseless that I took pity on her and let her into the car. I noticed that she was very thin, not well dressed and very dirty. She told me that she hadnât eaten for three days. So, in my compassion, I brought her home and warmed up the enchiladas I made for you last night. The ones you wouldnât eat because youâre afraid youâll put on weight. The poor thing devoured them in moments! Since she needed a good clean-up, I suggested a shower, and while she was doing that, I noticed her clothes were dirty and full of holes so I threw them away. Then, as she needed clothes, I gave her the designer jeans that you have had for a few years, but donât wear because you say they are too tight. I also gave her the underwear that was your anniversary present, which you donât wear because I donât have good taste. I found the sexy blouse my sister gave you for Christmas that you donât wear just to annoy her and I also donated those boots you bought at the expensive boutique and donât wear because someone at work has a pair the same.â The husband took a quick breath and continued, âShe was so grateful for my understanding and help that as I walked her to the door, she turned to me with tears in her eyes and saidâŠâ âDo you have anything else that your wife doesnât use?â
My friend complained to me that her new Saab 9-5 was having engine problems.
I told her I didnât want to hear her Saab story.
My wife and I got in a big argument over how she wanted to give birth.
It was our first midwife crisis.
âJesus loves youâ is a great thing to hear in church…
Itâs a terrible thing to hear in a Mexican prison.
A woman in labor suddenly shouted, âShouldnât! Wouldnât! Couldnât! Didnât! Canât!â
âDonât worry,â said the doc. âThose are just contractions.â
Iâm really sad that someone stole my front door.
I need closure.
My sister asked for me to bring her something hard to write on
I don't know why she became so mad. It's pretty fucking hard to write on sand.
OC boomer comics are now limited to Sundays. If it’s satire, it belongs on r/antiboomershumor
This decision was based on feedback from both users and moderators.If you have any feedback or comments on how the sub is doing, or how it’s being run, please comment below.phone bad
What do you call a musician in the army?
A tambarine! Thank you! Thank you very much!
[Serious] Just a reminder to be careful when telling jokes that may be offensive.
A few days ago I was talking to some friends, and friends of those friends, at a bar. I decided to break the ice with the new friends with a few jokes, most of which went down very well…until I decided to tell a few more offensive ones…and picked the worst possible one to start with. Here's the joke I told: "What do you do if you see an epileptic having a fit in the bath? Throw your washing (laundry if you're American) in." One of the new friends instantly became enraged and swung for me. When I asked him what the hell his problem was he replied that his younger brother was epileptic and died in the bath many years ago. Obviously I felt mortified as I didn't know about it, and said "I'm so sorry to hear that. Did he drown?" "No," replied the guy. "He choked on a sock."
Apple is releasing what they call the iKnife
It's cutting edge technology.
A Jewish businessman in America decided to send his son to Israel..
…to absorb some of the culture of the homeland. When the son returned, the father asked him to tell him about his trip. The son said, "Pop, I had a great time in Israel. By the way, I converted to Christianity." "Oy vey," said the father. "What have I done?" He decided to go ask his friend Jacob what to do. Jacob said, "Funny you should ask. I too sent my son to Israel, and he also came back a Christian. Perhaps we should go see the rabbi and ask him what we should do." So they went to see the Rabbi. The Rabbi said, "Funny you should ask.I too sent my son to Israel. He also came back a Christian. What is happening to our young people? Perhaps we should go talk to God and ask him what to do." The three of them prayed and explained what had happened to their sons and asked God what to do. Suddenly a voice came loud and clear from Heaven. The Voice said, "Funny you should ask, I too sent my son to Israel…"
Why didn’t the skeleton cross the road?
Skeletons are incapable of movement since they are inanimate objects
Why do pornos always end with the guy coming?
Because it sure as hell can't start with the guy leaving.
You don’t want me to treat you to a bespoke outfit from my tailor?
Fine, suit yourself.
By the time you realize you’re not in shape
it's too far to walk back.
Coronavirus has been copying the Black Death
Plaguearism
I dropped some tortilla chips and some cheese the other day.
My wife asked if I needed help to clean it up. I said don't worry it's nacho problem.
I just pooped in the elevator
And i took that shit to the next level
Not to brag, but Iâve satisfied every waitress thatâs ever served me.
With just the tip.
I Can swear, I’ve seen someone who did the last one, and complained it didn’t work!đ
https://ift.tt/2NaXfvM
Never start a pillow fight with Death…
…unless you're sure you can handle the Reaper cushions.
Why donât blind people skydive?
It scares the shit out of their guidedogs.
Germany is now advising people to stock up on cheese and sausages.
They are calling it the wurst kÀse scenario.
A straight tree and a gay tree lived next to each other for 60 years
The straight tree was always making fun of the gay tree. One evening a storm comes along and lightning hits the straight tree and it shatters into hundreds of pieces. The gay tree bust out laughing and says "look who's a faggot now"
A Viking named Rudolph the Red looks outside, then tells his wife “It’s going to rain”…
Wife asks "Why do you think that?" He replies "Because Rudolph the Red knows rain, dear…" (Not mine, my dad found it somewhere and was very proud of making the family groan…)
A trucker stops at a red light and a blonde catches up to him.
She knocks on the window and says, "Hi, my name is Heather and you are losing some of your load." The trucker just ignores her, the light changes, and he proceeds down the street. At the next light, the blonde again catches up and says, "Hi, my name is Heather, and you are losing some of your load." He ignores her again and continues down the street. At the next red light the blonde catches up, all out of breath, knocks on the window and says, "Hi, my name is Heather and you are losing some of your load." The trucker looks at her and finally, he says, "Hi, my name is Kevin, it's snowing, and I'm driving a salt truck."
What’s an atom with a bad sense of humor?
Not a laughing matter.
What did the big traffic light say to the little traffic light?
Donât look while Iâm changing!
The oyster shucker at Red Lobster is on sick leave…
He pulled a muscle.
A duck is standing next to a busy road, cars zooming past while he waits for a break in traffic.
A chicken walks up to him and says "Don't do it, man you'll never hear the end of it.
I own the chewed pencil that Shakespeare used to write his famous works.
He used to chew on it so much that I canât tell whether itâs 2B or not 2B.
Educated people are hot
Because the have got more degrees ! ( Read this one in an old book ! )