Hmmmm.
A voyeur goes to a restaurant…
The maitre d seats him at a table next to a table of four women, one particularly attractive. The waiter comes to his table and says “Welcome sir would you like to hear our specials?” “Uh, yes,” says the voyeur. “Today we our soup du jour is a white gazpacho with avacodo, chilled almonds, and olive oil. We have an appetizer special of artichokes casino tender artichoke hearts baked with jumbo lump crab meat. Lastly our entree specials are pan roasted moscovy duck breast with a rhubarb relish, vanilla balsamic vinegar reduction and roasted potatoes, and filet mignon au poivre, which pan seared with cracked peppercorns in a cognac cream served with roasted potatoes.” Distracted by the table next to him the voyeur responds “Yeah, I’ll have that.” “Which entree sir?” asks the nonplussed waiter The voyeur replies, “Umm…, the steak.” “How would you like your steak?” The voyeur is staring at the other table. The waiter gruffed “Sir?!” “Oh, uh, rare.” Waiter replies “It comes with salad, what dressing would you like?” spoken in a sort of stern tone.” Voyeur is staring at the other table again, startled by the waiter drops his silverware. Waiter: “Would you like Caesar dressing?” Voyeur awkwardly picking up his fork says and looks at the waiter confused. “See her dressing? Why yes that sounds lovely.”
Two scientists are playing Minecraft.
Two scientists are playing Minecraft. One is new to the game and doesn’t know much about it. At some point, he crafts a pickaxe, but doesn’t know what to do with it, so he asks the more experienced scientist. Scientist 1: Bro, what should I do with this pickaxe that I crafted? Scientist 2: Br.
I’ve made a website for depressed tennis players…
The servers are currently down…
My wife is pregnant and my doctor asked me if I had ever been present at childbirth before….
I replied, "Yes just once." The doctor asked, "What was it like?" I said, "It was dark, then suddenly very bright."
Only one person can stop LeBron
That's LeBrain….
Just saw a guy running down the road with a cape on, so I shouted, “Hey! Are you a superhero!?”
He yelled back, "Nah, I didn't pay for my haircut!"
What type of practice is Dr. Pepper?
A fizzician…
They say make up sex is the best
Which is lucky, because all my sex is made up
A coworker named Celsius recently retired at my work, so they hired a guy named Kelvin to replace him.
He's the new temp. Seems like a cool guy.
My wife asked me to get some of the pills that would help me get an erection.
So I got her some diet pills.
Dogs can’t operate MRI machines
But catscan
What is muffins spelled backwards?
Exactly what you do when you take them out of the oven.
Dad: Son, what be a pirate’s favorite restaurant? Son: Arrrrby’s! Dad: Correct! And what be a pirate’s favorite animal? Son: Arrrrmadillo! Dad: Right again! But what be a pirate’s favorite body part? Son: Easy. The arrrrrm!
Dad: You'd think it would be the arrrrm, but he's rather fond of the booty!
Two cannibals were eating an entitled kid
One says to the other," Does this taste a bit spoiled?"
In my career as a lumberjack, I cut down exactly 82,546 trees.
I know, because I kept a log.
18 year old: Dad I turn 18 today!
Dad: great, I'm taking you the strip club tonight. 18 year old: No, I already said I didn't want that. Dad: Nicole, someone needs to work in this house.
My Dad made the best (or worst) Dad joke at our Christmas Dinner
Cousin: I really want a dog this year. Wife: What kind do you want? Cousin: I’m really wanting a poodle. My Dad: Just wait until it rains. There will be plenty of “poudles” around. Everyone else : 🙄
Tried to grab the fog this morning
unfortunately, I mist.
3 rednecks were working on a cell tower…
Cooter, Ronnie and Donnie. As they start their descent, Cooter slips, falls off the tower and is killed instantly. As the ambulance takes the body away, Ronnie says, 'Well, shucks, someone should go and tell his wife.' Donnie says, 'OK, I'm pretty good at that sensitive stuff, I'll do it.' Two hours later, he comes back carrying a case of Budweiser. Ronnie says, 'Where did you get that beer, Donnie?' 'Cooter's wife gave it to me,' 'That's unbelievable, you told the lady her husband was dead and she gave you beer?' 'Well, not exactly', Donnie says. 'When she answered the door, I said to her, "you must be Cooter's widow." ' She said, 'You must be mistaken. I'm not a widow.' Then I said, 'I'll bet you a case of Budweiser you are.' Rednecks are good at sensitive stuff.
People treat me like a god
They ignore my existence unless they need something
I asked a girl to rate me out of 10 the other day
She said "you're an 8 on a scale of 10" I still don't understand why she wanted me to urinate on a skeleton
What do sprinters eat before a race?
Nothing, they fast.
I said “Waiter, how long will my spaghetti be?”. He said …
“I don’t know we never measure it”
What do you call calculators with knives attached?
Texas Instruments of Torture.
A guy knocked on my door asking for a donation to the local swimming pool.
I gave him a glass of water.
How do you know when a Reddit user has left their hotel?
Their username checks out.
The hospital that my son is staying at got the Avengers to visit him.
He’s also going to see Stan Lee next week!
That’s a nice ham you got there…
Be a shame if someone put an S in front of it and an E behind it.
Post Malone has canceled his tour.
Does this now make him Postpone Malone?
If Trump really wanted Hillary to be locked up…
He should have hired her!
Yesterday, I was washing the car with my son.
He said: ‘dad, can’t you just use a sponge?’
My friends asked me why I’ve mysteriously been hanging grapes outside to dry.
I told them, “I have my raisins.”
Today I thought of a color that doesn’t exist…
but then I realized it was just a pigment of my imagination.
Barney Rubble’s previous wife was very weak
Which might explain why she was called "Vulner".
I once swallowed a dictionary
It gave me thesaurus throat I've ever had.